


Lucky Project

by lazy_lou



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternative Universe - No Island, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Mioda Ibuki/Tsumiki Mikan, Minor Sonia Nevermind/Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham, No age gap, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 50,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26533870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazy_lou/pseuds/lazy_lou
Summary: Hajime is working on the Kamukura Project, a program which aims at creating the perfect humanoid android... and he hates it. Enters an enigmatic college student who promises to change his view of himself... but what could be the secret he hides so deeply and how much will it affect Hajime in the end?
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 39
Kudos: 126





	1. The Android and the College boy

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone.
> 
> Before we begin, just a heads up that Nagito will say some slightly out of character things in the beginig. There's a reason for it and it will be explained in later chapters. Just didn't want to scare you off so soon.
> 
> Alright, have a good read :)

Hajime, Fuyuhiko and Soda weren’t kids anymore. They simply couldn’t meet up whenever and wherever they wanted. With that said, they were still really good friends and liked to hang out as much as possible. Going out during the week was impossible, they all had jobs after all, and Sundays were tricky since both Fuyuhiko and Soda were in relationships. “Sundays are date days. You have to save them for your lady and demon lord”, would Kazuichi often remind Hajime. That left out Saturday, the only day the three of them were free. It was established they would meet every Saturday at a local café at three p.m. to catch up and today was a Saturday.

-Kaz is late again.

-When is he not? – complained Fuyuhiko.

It was true, Soda had little to no respect for arranged time. He would always come up with an excuse on how busy college professors were and on how it wasn’t his fault for being late. Hajime still couldn’t understand how he managed to date both Sonia, one of the strictest people he knew when it came to being on time, and Gundam, a very organized man from what he was told. Thankfully he arrived shortly after through the door. 

He sat down quickly next to the other two men and intensely stared at Hajime with gleeful pink eyes and a playful smirk. Hajime didn’t answer this suspicious invitation to a conversation knowing nothing good could come from it and instead stared at his coffee like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Ignored, Kazuichi talked:

-Gooood afternoon, dear friends!

-You’re late. – Fuyuhiko side eyed him.

-Things such as time do not matter before the good news I bring you.

-Your lovers are really are taking a toll on your vocabulary. – Hajime joked finally looking up from his cup – I’ll bite. What are this good news you bring us?

Soda’s whole face lit up and got closer to Hajime’s. Uncomfortably close. So close he expected Kaz to whisper. Such did not happen. 

-I, Kazuichi Soda, have gotten you, Hajime Hinata, a date this Monday! – he announced proudly to the small table of three like that was his greatest achievement.

-You WHAT!? – Hajime couldn’t decide if he was mad or insulted. First of all, he didn’t ask his friends to get him dates. Second of all, he didn’t WANT his friend to find him dates!? And last of all, he didn’t even consult him on the actual date!? He wasn’t all that desperate! What made Soda think that was a good idea?

-So, I was at my office yesterday and this student walks in.

-Are you trying to hook Hajime up with a kid? – asked Fuyuhiko slightly amused at the situation. 

-No, that’s the thing, he’s basically our age. I though he was another teacher at first, but no. So anyway, comes into my office and tells me he’s a psychology major.

-Run, Hajime, those are always freaky.

-Oh, shut up. – Hajime said remembering his days as a Psychology major and getting slightly invested in what his friend had to say.

-I tell him to come in and he tells me that for his final thesis he wants to do a paper on the Kamukura Project and would like to talk to Sonia.

Hajime straightened on his chair. He didn’t like to talk about that. The Kamukura project was a non-government project aimed at creating the perfect android. Not only was he to possess all human characteristics but he was also to possess greater knowledge that anyone before. A Vitruvian man in all aspects. The project’s runner and founder was none other than Kazuichi’s girlfriend and Hajime’s old friend: Sonia Nevermind. She was the reason Hajime didn’t like to talk about it. Right after they had all finished college Sonia immediately started working on Kamukura. At first it was only her, Kaz and a couple of friends trying to make a robot but as the project grew it gained attention from the media and its endgame also changed. That’s when Sonia approached Hajime. She said that for Izuru, the soon-to-be android’s name, to be perceived as human he had to think like one, and for that to come true, they needed someone on the team who understood the human mind. At the time, Hajime was flattered to be invited to work on the project but as time went on, he started to think he didn’t deserve the spot. That his course had been more focused on philosophy than on psychology itself, and for that, maybe he wasn’t the right fit for the job; that he hadn’t even been the best in his class and that there were so many other, more qualified, people to take his place; that Sonia only asked him to do it because they were friends and he was unemployed back then… and so many more reason. But it was too late. He had taken the job and he was working on the Kamukura project. No turning back now. Still, it twisted his stomach to be asked about it when it felt so unworthy.

-Now, I was fine with that and was about to help the dude, when it hit me! I could set him up with Hajime! – Kazuichi was proud of himself, raising his voice in all the crucial moment of his story – So I tell him “Maybe you should talk to the head of the psychologic department, it has more to do with your major. Besides, Sonia is just the coordinator, I don’t know if she’ll be much help” – he turned to Fuyuhiko very serious – I lied there. She is very professional and knows all the details on the project, I know this because every night at dinner she infodumps me and Gundam about it.

-I don’t doubted it. – he responded, apprehensive. 

-Anyway, he goes on to ask me if I could arrange for you to meet, I say yes, he greatly thanks me and now you have a date.

Soda finished his little story with a bid grin on his face. Hajime and Fuyuhiko had no answer but a confused silence. That didn’t sound like a date.

-That doesn’t sound like a date. It sounds like an interview. Also, I have work on Monday.

-Oh, dear Hajime, you underestimate me. I immediately texted Sonia for your schedule and made the best judgment. Your date is right here at this café at five p.m., yes, my lovely girlfriend will let you leave one hour earlier.

-So she knows too. – Soda shook his head in agreement – Still, that doesn’t erase the fact that this sounds like an interview.

-But that’s the beauty of it all, an interview is what you make of it. Plus, the dude is definitely your type. You know, skinny and pale, looks like they’re one step away from dying? Yeah, that’s him.

-Can you at least tell me his name so I don’t look stupid Monday?

-Nagisa… Nagomi…? I don’t know, I don’t remember, but you’ll recognize him immediately. His looks are striking!

Hajime didn’t bother with more questions. He was already compromised so it’d do no good cowering now. Besides, they couldn’t allow Kazuichi to keep talking. Lord knew that if they didn’t intervein he would take up the entire conversation. 

• 

The Kamukura project had, over the years, gained a great amount of money. Said money had been invested solely on resources and in sponsors. One year after the project took off Sonia bought an entire building for them to work on with the pretense that when Izuru was complete they would establish themselves as a fully functional company specialized on androids manufacturing. It wasn´t an all that fancy building but it did the job. 

Hajime’s department was located at the very last floor. He didn’t really have any assistants of the sort, since he preferred to work alone in fear of being outed as the fraud he was, and only had to turn in his notes once a week so they could be turned into code. For that reason, he worked in a studio with other three people: the physical team, aimed at figuring out the perfect athletic performance a Man could do. He would have been fine working on an office alone, but they pitied him and almost forced him to work with them.

He was getting on the elevator when a shaky voice yelled at him to keep the door open. A young woman with poorly trimmed purple hair was running towards him in a most stressful manner, almost tripping on her own shoes trying to reach him.

-Good morning, Mikan. – He greeted her as the doors closed.

-Good morning, Hajime.

-You know, I would have held the door. You didn’t have to sprint. – he joked.

-Haha, yes, you’re right, sorry.

Mikan was the first member of the physical team. She was a nurse and her job was essentially to answer any question about the human body that seemed relative and help the team figure out if what they were going for was or wasn’t peek healthy activity. Hajime thought she was rather annoying when he first met her. So apologetic and passive. However, he soon came to the realization that she was just a very misunderstood person who just wanted to avoid conflict and be as helpful as possible. Of course, there were many more layers to her than just that, but Hajime didn’t know her life well enough to make any other judgment. 

They reached their destination. Their team worked on an open spaced room only decorated by machines and old desks. The machines, all for Mikan to evaluate heart rates and all other sorts of medical equipment and the old desks and boards for Hajime to spread his ideas on. The other two members of the team were already there.

Behind one of the desks and messing on his phone was a tall and strong man, Nekomaru Nidai, the team manager. He organized all the work that was done by both Mikan and the other team member and sometimes he even helped Hajime organize his schedule. He was, overall, a really helpful guy and Hajime was actually really glad to work with him now.

The last team member was an incredibly athletic woman already warming up in a corner of the studio. Her name was Akane Owari and she was the live specimen the project used to figure out what could be possibly done by the human body. There was no physical stunt she couldn’t perform. Hajime had seen it. One time she had run across a wall for five seconds without falling to the ground just to prove she could. Needless to say, that was written down as one of the things Izuru would have to be able to achieve. Hajime would say that her only flaw was not remembering people’s names to save her life.

-Hey, good morning, Haruma. – he waved back at her.

-You two are early today. 

-I left something unfinished Friday and was hoping I could finish it before having to turn in my progress. – Hajime said. Mikan by his side just giggled as an answer.

-Always the hope guy. – Nekomaru joked.

Hajime just laughed and took a seat at the nearest desk knowing that if he needed a second opinion, he always had those three. They too got up and started working. It was a quiet day, and Hajime was used to working with the background noise of people chatting and machines working. An hour into his writing Sonia walked in unsuspected in their workplace.

-Good morning, everyone! – she said happily looking directly at him. His colleges stopped what they were doing to look at her – I bring you important news!

-Is it a new menu on the cafeteria? – asked Akane, jokingly.

-No, but food will be part of my announcement. We have a new sponsor! The prestige Togami family has decided to support the Kamukura project! Isn’t it exciting? 

They celebrated in agreement. Any sponsorship was gladly welcomed and even if they weren’t who could turn down such an exited Sonia.

-In celebration, me and the two beautiful loves of my life have decided to host a dinner ball at our house. – Akane shouted a victory scream into the hair – Bringing a date is mandatory. – Sonia winked at Hajime. 

-Wait, what? Why?! – he protested knowing damn well she only said because Kazuichi spoke to much.

-Because I said so.

-Alright then. I’ll bring Akane as my date.

-Good idea, and I’ll bring coach Nekomaru as my date. – they spoke pointing to each other.

-Hum, Ibuki isn’t touring right now, so I’ll bring her, if you don’t mind. 

-Splendid idea! We haven’t met your girlfriend yet. Oh, I can’t wait. – Mikan blushed in response to Sonia’s excitement – Oh, and that’s right! You guys haven’t met Gundam yet. This is wonderful, he will be home this weekend.

That was true. No one, besides Soda obviously, had met Gundam yet. All Hajime knew about him was that he worked with animals and went aboard frequently for research, that he saw himself as some sort of evil overlord or something and how him, Sonia and Kaz started dating. Soda wouldn’t get bored of telling that story. To put it simply Gundam and Sonia met at some occult shop by chance and went on a few dates after that but poor ol’ Kazuichi was devastated and decided to face the guy. How dare he steal his potential girl? However, when he actually met Gundam he realized “Oh no, this dude is actually really cute”. After some time had passed, they were actually all great friends and everything else escalated from there. It was a scandal at first. The head of the Kamukura project and a college professor on a polyamorous relationship? Impossible. But the shook quickly went down after a much bigger scandal took place, around the same time, involving some important politic. 

-We’re finally going to meet the guy that tarnished Sonia Nervermind’s reputation.

-Very funny, Hajime, but comedy does not give you a free pass on the whole date thing. Anyhow, I'm sure you are all very busy so, instead of boring you with tales of my love life I will let you work. See you next Saturday, two week from now, at eight. I hope you didn’t have anything prearranged for that day. – everyone went back to their stations and she got closer to him to whisper – Good luck on your date, Hajime, I’m just here to remind you not to give the guy any confidential info, ok?

-Look, I don’t know what Kaz told you, but it’s not a date. It’s an interview.

-And buying tarot cards wasn’t supposed to be a date either and now I have two boyfriends. – Hajime sighted knowing he wouldn’t win that battle – Just have fun, ok? I love you. Bye.

She tipped toe to the exit making eye contact with him the whole time and mouthing the words “Good luck”. “Luck”, he thought, “Like that’s much help.”.

• 

His “date” wasn’t late, Hajime liked to think. Fifteen minutes wasn’t late. Besides, he was a college student. God knows when he was still in college, he was never on time either. It was no problem. He had a muffing and his phone to keep him company. He unblocked it and noticed a text from his roommate.

Chiaki <3  
Dude, Miss Goldenberg, our neighbor, DIED!!  


He replied:  
NO WAY! She was the one with the cats, right? That’s crazy.  


Chiaki was quick to answer:  


Chiaki <3  
Yeah, the cops are here. She fell down the stairs or whatever.

Hajime didn’t reply to that. He heard the door of the café open. He lifted his head to the entrance ready to see just another ordinary costumer but something told him that the person that had just walked in was different. The man was slender and tall. His unique elegance was fast to draw attention to himself. He looked around the room for someone with shinny curious eyes. Hajime almost hoped it wasn’t him. He could never live it down to Kazuichi that the date he sat up for him was actually beautiful. But then the man noticed him and smiling brightly approached him.

-Good afternoon, doctor Hinata. My name is Nagito Komaeda. Professor Soda arranged for us to meet. – he extended his pale hand to him and Hajime took it in a handshake.

-Yes, yes, he did. Well, why don’t you go grab a coffee for us to start?

-Yes, thank you, I will do that.

He turned around and went to the counter. Hajime only suggested that for him to leave for a second. Damn it! How dare Kaz be right?! The dude was his age and hot. He couldn’t do that interview. He looked at him one more time. Maybe he just had to get used to being around him. He felt like he was sixteen again. “Keep it together, Hajime! This is strictly professional.”. Still, he looked back. His hair was a soft mess, in the sense that Hajime didn’t know if when touched we would find a collection of nots or white cotton. He wanted to find out. He cringed at that idea. “Professional, Hajime! Jesus.” Nagito returned with a coffee in hands and sat across the table from him.

-Doctor Hinata, first…

-Please don’t call me doctor. – he said apologetic.

-Oh, my apologies, I won’t. But still first allow me to thank you for having me today. I can’t wait to learn more about your work. – he spoke while taking some books and pens from his bag – Still, I must apologies again, for being late that is. You see, my neighbor died. As I was leaving my apartment the police intercepted me in the hallway. I had to answer a load of question. 

Hajime though it was a hell of a coincidence that his neighbor had also died but didn’t mention it. Instead he just said it was fine. 

-So, shall we begin? – Hajime nodded – All right then. So, tell me mister Hinata…

-Really, Hajime will do fine. – he hated hearing his last name. Made him feel old.

Nagito blushed softly and correct himself. Hajime, for one, thought it was extremely adorable and hated himself for it.

-So, tell me… Hajime, what is exactly you job at the Kamukura project?

-I have to figure out how morals and the human conscience work so that Izuru, the android, not only can comprehend them too, but also use them. Basically, I need to make him human.

-Morals and conscience, I see. And what about emotions?

-That would also be me, but its not really a priority at the moment.

-Sounds to me like you’re making his soul. Tell me, have this components been inputted on Izuru yet?

-In theory they should be there, but we haven’t really talked, per say, with the robot. Not to worry, in case of faults, human or not, the code his safe to be injected again. 

Hajime noticed, as every word Nagito spoke or wrote a gigantic amount of excitement excluded him. He had a genuine interest in the Kamukura project, not only for its original and new characteristics but for admiration maybe. He wasn’t just someone who saw the announcement of the Kamukura project on the news and thought it would make a good essay. No, he truly cared. His enthusiasm almost made Hajime forget he hated the topic of conversation, however, his next question made him remember.

-I heard you work alone, and refused the offer of a team. Is it because you believe you are the most qualified to do this work? 

He didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want to lose the atmosphere previously made of excitement. Why did this pretty boy had to touch is only wound? He intended in answering calmly but his voice must have let pass some discomfort.

-I just work better that way!

-Oh, I'm sorry if I offend you, I didn’t mean…

-It’s fine, look…- he went quite for a while staring only at his food for comfort. He couldn’t lie to such an honest soul. And it wasn’t like he could get him fired. After all, even Sonia knew why he didn’t have a team – Look, truth is I don’t think I’m the best choice. I was never top of my class; I didn’t graduate with flying colors and I don’t work well with other people because I know they’ll surpass me. 

-I don’t think you should say that. To work with so many other talented people and to be the head of your department, you must be just as qualified as anyone else if not more. 

-I was just lucky.

-And what’s wrong with that? Even if you only got the position by luck, I doubt you would have been able to keep it with just that. 

Nagito sounded almost mad at him. And determined to convince him of his worth, and by any means too. Hajime almost believed him. He smiled at him in appreciation.

-Oh, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted…

-It all right. You had good intentions. Look, why don’t we call it a day and I give you my number so we can talk again? I promise I’ll help with your paper.

Nagito thanked him and they left the coffee shop after paying (Hajime’s courtesy). Already outside they said their goodbyes and Nagito started to walk way, but guided by some unknow force Hajime stupidly called out for him.

-I could give you a ride if you want. I saw you walking towards the bus stop.

He smiled and took the offer. It was simple trip. Hajime drove and made small talk and Nagito told him where to turn. As time went on Hajime started to think that the roads he was driving on were more and more familiar and when they reached they destination Hajime was surprised to find out they lived on the same building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So... did you like this first chapter? I'm trying to make them longer since some people didn't like the 1000 word format i had in my last fic but please tell me if these longer ones bother you. Anyway, I hope you have a nice day and keep reading this. I'm sorry if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes, also. English isn't my first language so im always scared no matter how much i reread mu stuff it will always have mistakes. But I guess we're all human after all.
> 
> bye <3


	2. Stupid weird week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. I hope you're enjoying the story. This chapter is pretty much still just fluff with some hints of foreshadowing but don't worry, we'll get to the angst and the hurt/confort very soon. Enjoy

Hajime waited for five minutes inside his car. For some stupid reason he didn’t want Nagito to know they were neighbors. How had he never seen him? Maybe his friends were right and he did walk staring at the floor but still! He sprinted inside of his apartment and into his roommate’s room. Didn’t even bother with knocking. He knew he would just find her gaming anyway. He was right. The lights in the room were dim and she had her back turned to the door. Even with her headset on Chiaki heard him come in and slowly turned around.

-What? – she asked unbothered.

-My date, the guy I was meeting today?! LIVES IN OUR BUILDING!?

-You’re joking right? That’s hilarious! How did you find out?

-I gave him a ride home and ended up here. 

-So what did you tell him. – Chiaki’s tone changed – Wait, what does this guy look like?

-I didn’t tell him of course! – Hajime didn’t seem to have heard her last question and kept on rambling – I don’t want him to know we’re neighbors! I don’t know why I don’t want that but I don’t.

He heard a ringing at the door. Thinking it could be the police asking about his other neighbor, the dead one, he left Chiaki’s room.

-Hajime, wait! – Chiaki tried to follow him but he was faster than her and she did lose quite some time pausing her game. 

Hajime open the door, ready to be faced with a load of question about knowing the deceased and whatnots but instead he was the one who was suddenly filled with question. 

-I’m sorry I’m late Chia… Hajime? – Nagito questioned, confused, from the hallway.

-Hello?

-I told you to wait! – Chiaki appeared behind him.

-What’s going on? – Nagito intervened again.

-I’ll summarize before you collapse. – Chiaki said, passing through Hajime and pulling Nagito inside, closing the door behind her. Only then Hajime realized Nagito was holding a box… of cherries? He was dying for Chiaki’s summarize – Nagito lives on the floor below us. We went to school together. Sometimes he comes by when you’re at work and we play games and eat snacks. – he lifted the box like that helped clarify anything - The end.

-That can’t be the end! That doesn’t answer most of my questions! 

-I’m sorry to interrupt but, why are you here Hajime?

-I’m Chiaki’s roommate!

-What!? Chiaki, why didn’t you ever tell me?

-I didn’t think you were interested. – she shrugged.

-And Hajime, why didn’t you tell me you lived here when we arrived? – Nagito sounded guilty. Like it was his fault Hajime didn’t say anything.

That was a good question: why didn’t Hajime say anything? Fear? In that case of what? Rejection? Of getting closer to Nagito? Maybe it was anxiety of knowing he was so close to him. But he didn’t have time to dwell on that question. He didn’t have his books and his notes to analyze his behavior. He had to improvise.

-I thought it would make you uncomfortable to live in the same building as me. – “what a terrible excuse” he thought as soon as the words left his mouth.

-Oh, but I don’t. I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable. I’ll move if you want me to!

-Enough with the drama. We’ll upset the neighbors with all the shouting. Are those cherries? – Chiaki asked taking the box from Nagito – Good. Let’s take a seat.

They sat down at their dinner table and Hajime left to make some tea. What an odd day that was being. He went back to the table calmer and with chamomile.

-Alright. So… - Chiaki returned to her thought process – you two are looking at this from the wrong point of view. From what I gather you’re working together, right? – both said yes – In that case, you can just work here. Instead of meeting at the café, Nagito can just come by later, when you’re done from work. Boom, fixed.

That was a smart idea. One any of them could have gotten to if they hadn’t panicked. Hajime thanked God for Chiaki. Nagito left without gamming for a while with Chiaki and asked Hajime a bunch of times if it was fine for him to come by the next day (the answer was yes). Hajime felt a weight leave his shoulders as he closed the door. His roommate turned to him with a mocking attitude.

-Way to be obvious about your crush, Hajime! What are you, twelve?

Hajime blushed and went to his room. What a weird day that was! 

• 

The rest of the week Nagito came by every day at eight o’clock. Him and Hajime would sit down at the dinner table, Nagito would ask questions, Hajime would show him some of his notes. It’s was great. Sometimes Nagito would even help him figure out some ideas he couldn’t crack.

Hajime wasn’t as overwhelmed by his presence as much either. He still though he was beautiful, but he could hold a conversation that hadn’t to do with work without sounding like a teenage boy. Good think, because it was inn those moments of simple conversation that he thought were bringing them closer. For example, he had noticed Nagito had a dark sense of humor making a lot of jokes about death and other tragic affairs. He still hadn’t figured if he knew those were inappropriate or not. He preferred cold weather and was a cat person. He would sometimes miss social clues and say the wrong thing at the wrong but anyone could see there was no malicious intent on his words. He would sometimes go on rants without really noticing the other person was silent. Hajime didn’t mind, in fact, he believed he could listen to Nagito talk for hours. It was clear to him that yes, Chiaki was right, and maybe he had a crush (he wished he didn’t use that word but referring to those feeling as love so soon just made him feel sick) on him. Still, he would not act upon it. He was just helping him with school, nothing more. And speaking of school, something kept bothering Hajime about Nagito still being in college. From what he could put together they were both 26. If he had entered college when he was eighteen, he would have graduated at 22. Hajime knew this was his last year so that meant he would have got in at 22. Another thing peculiar about him was that although he would tell him stories about his childhood, and often grim stories for that matter, he would never speak of his teenage years and certainly would never speak of those four years where he could have been taking his bachelor’s. He tried confronting Chiaki about it but that turned out to be a bad idea.

-I just want to know a little bit more about him.

-Then ask him about it. 

-He won’t tell me. Come on, Chiaki. Where was he? Did he go on an adventure in Europe? Did he join a gang? He didn’t join a gang, right?

-Hajime, I’m not going to tell you anything! – Chiaki could be really scary when she wanted to and this was one of those moments. Her voice excluded seriousness of the greatest kind – It’s not my place to tell you his pass. If he wanted you to know, he would tell you. Now, please leave my room.

Hajime left still bitter at the lack of an answer but smart enough to know that she was right. He wouldn’t pressure the issue.

Saturday came. He knew he had to face Kazuichi at the café. What to tell him? That his plan failed and that the interview didn’t turn into a date? Boost his ego and reassure him that he was right and Hajime had actually fallen for the guy? He was ordering his coffee before he could figure out an answer. Thankfully, Soda was late.

-So, how did it go with the guy? – asked Fuyuhiko seemingly curious but also just looking for a reason to tease his friend. 

-In all honestly, not even I know.

They turned their head in sync. Kazuichi was approaching their table in small excited jumps.

-My friends, do you hear what I hear? The… church bells?

-Nice try, Kaz. It was a complete failure. – Hajime said.

-WHAT!?

-I’m kidding. It was… alright.

-Alright? What do you mean all right? I made sure I got you a perfect match!

-It was an interview. Besides, things got weird. – both of them looked at him expecting an explanation – He’s sort of my neighbor. – they gasped. Hajime asked them to quiet down – It’s no big deal. He lives on the floor beneath me. We’ve been talking. 

-So, it’s working. Those are dates, right? I’m a master match maker, right? – Soda was leaning on the table.

-We’re actually going on a date today. – Hajime said looking away and grabbing the back of his head.

And like in a rehearsed scene the door of the café open and in was Nagito Komaeda, already searching the room for him. Kazuichi gasped loudly and theatrically pointed to his friend. 

-Hajime, you dog! – he lowered his voice – What happened to bros before hoes?!

-The moment you got not one but two partners and Fuyuhiko got married! – he winked at them both and stood up.

Fuyuhiko wasn’t even mad. Just impressed he managed to play them both. Soda was still shocked, wondering if he should be mad or proud. Hajime was out the door.

-Good afternoon, Hajime. So, why did you ask me out today?

Hajime jumped a little hearing Nagito’s statement. Of course he would use that expression and fill him with hope of that being a real date and not just one in his head.

-I had to go to the library and though maybe you would like to come too. You don’t have classes on Saturday and seeing some of the books I use in my research might help. – Hajime had trained how to deliver those lines on the mirror. He didn’t actually have to go to the library. He had the internet for Christ’s sake! But he heard Nagito say how much he liked the library he visited back at his home town and though he would like to go to the one in the city. It wasn’t the most original idea considering that college students go there a lot but he didn’t want that to be an obvious date.

-Oh, I would love to go! Thank you for inviting me, Hajime. – after saying that he lowered his head and hid his smile, like he had realized a horrible secret – I’m sorry if I’m being a bother. I’m sure you have a lot of work to do.

-Nagito, don’t say that! If I didn’t like your company, I wouldn’t have asked you to come in the first place. – something grew inside him. He didn’t want Nagito to feel like a burden – I really want to help you and besides… I was hoping we could be more than this. – Nagito’s eye widened and Hajime couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad reaction. Stupid! Why would he say that? – I mean, we’ve talked about other things from work before. Being friends wouldn’t be so bad.

“Good safe!” Hajime thought. How was he always letting his emotions getting the best of him. For someone with a degree in understanding the brain he let his heart out too much. Nagito blushed and quickly tried to hide his face in his scarf. It was getting colder.

-Being friends sounds nice. I mean, I told you my parents died. I think that proves our friendship. – Hajime laughed, knowing that was a joke.

-Please, don’t remind me of that awkward conversation. – when Nagito told him that so casually one week after they had known each other Hajime thought he was hallucinating. There was a lot to unpack in such a small sentence which led to some solid ten minutes of Hajime saying “sorry” and Nagito, very calmly, telling him “It’s no big deal”.

-But you know… - he talked like it was taking all his courage to pronounce every word - …if we’re friends, you should tell me more about yourself.

Hajime though that was the perfect opportunity to discover the truth about those mystery years. That he could play some sort of “I’ll tell you this if you tell me that” move. But the distance voice of his roommate echoed in the back of his head. He wouldn’t evade Nagito’s privacy.

-Well, it’s not as exciting as yours. My parents are accountants. They live in America now, moved three years ago. I don’t have any siblings or pets. I meet Chiaki when I was looking for a roommate but if someone asked me who my best friend is my answer would be her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I still have the same friend group I had in college. – Nagito kept nodding at his words. Mentally annotating everything he heard – What’s your friend group like in college? I’m surprise you didn’t want to go out with them today.

Nagito giggled, nervously.

-Ah, well… I don’t have many friends right now. I think you and Chiaki may be the only ones.

Hajime felt sorry for him. What a horrible felling pity is. He wanted to tell him something, even though he wasn’t sure what though. The big door of the library faced them. Nagito smiled and without noticing grabbed Hajime’s hand leading him inside. He probably didn’t even notice the turmoil of emotions that caused the poor boy. He had noticed Nagito didn’t really like to be touched. Not even Chiaki, his childhood friend, he would hug. So for him to hold his hand so casually!? He couldn’t believe it. 

Once inside though, all those thoughts disappeared. He caught himself unable to drift his eyes from Nagito. The way he softly smiled at all the shelfs; the gleam in his eyes when he found a pretty book he liked; or how when they finally sat down to read Hajime’s oh-so-needed book he would sometimes just close his eyes for some seconds and take in all of the little sounds the library produced. The quiet steps, the turning of pages, the rare cough from an old man far way, the hitting of keyboards… Hajime knew he had to pretend to be reading but he just couldn’t focus! He was in love. Oh no, he was in love. He couldn’t be in love! He only met the guy a week ago how could he be in love?! “Stupid, Hajime, you’re so stupid! And your stupid friend Kaz is too!” He drowned himself on those thoughts until they left. He once again gave him a ride home, this time leaving the car at the same time. Already at Nagito’s door he spoke.

-Thank you so much for today, Hajime. I had a lot of fun. And I’m sorry if I distracted you in the library. I know you didn’t read much. But I just get so excited in that environment. Anyway, I’m sorry. Goodbye. See you tomorrow. 

He closed the door. Hajime wanted to hide. Dig a grave and bury himself in it. He had noticed. He noticed him staring at him. He didn’t notice the love but it was still so embarrassing. He went back to his appartement and ran to Chiaki throwing himself on her bed dramatically.

-Chiaki, I’m so STUPID!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again guys. I'm sorry if Hajime falling for Nagito is happening to quicly, but the focus of this story isn't really slowburn. Still, I'm doing my best for things to go naturaly. I hope you liked this chapeter. Next one is one of my favorites so far so i hope you'll stick arround for that much ;) 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I'll see you later


	3. Raindrops under the moonlight

Saturday was quickly approaching and Hajime didn’t have a date. Truth be told, he didn’t have many friends he could invite, and those he had already had a date. Of course, he could always go for Nagito but not only would that be admitting defeat to Sonia and Kazuichi it would also make him combust. After their “date” to the library Nagito kept coming to their house for work. He seemed completely unaware that Hajime was quickly falling for him. His attitude was left untouched. Well, almost untouched. Since his promotion from stranger to friend Nagito had started touching him more. He would poke his arm if he had a question, rest his hand on his shoulder while making a joke, and there was this particular day when he touched his face. “You have some dirt on your cheek” he said before rubbing his thumb on it. Hajime could swear he had melted but Nagito displayed no reaction.

Usually Hajime would think nothing of this behavior, he acted the same way with his friends after all, but Nagito was different. Chiaki was, from what he could tell, his best friend, and even when they sometimes would play video-games he would do any gymnastics necessary not to go as far as lean towards her. The max physical contact he had seen him do would be handshakes. Why did he act more relaxed with him? A whole degree in psychology and Hajime still couldn’t figure it out.

It was Friday. He needed that date urgently. 

-Hey, Chiaki. Want to go to a dinner with me?

-Sure, when is it? – she didn’t sound excited. It was as if she was agreeing as part of some unspoken friendship obligation. She was watching robot fights on the TV, boxed ramen in hand, unfazed by Hajime’s words.

-Great! – this was perfect. He didn’t have to take Nagito and Chiaki didn’t like parties: they could leave earlier – It’s tomorrow at eight.

-Can’t.

-What!? What do you mean “can’t”?

-Nintendo Competition in Nevada? I’ll be out the weekend. I told you.

-That’s this weekend!? I though you meant the next one. – she shook her head – Shouldn’t you be catching a plane then?

-Tomorrow morning. And, yes, a ride to the airport would be appreciated.

Hajime sat next to her. Some blue robot with a flame-thrower was fighting a small robot made out of blades and nightmare fuel. “Yes, Hajime, distract yourself with robot fights. You don’t have to think about Nagito, you don’t have to…”

-Why don’t you ask Nagito? I’m sure he’d be delighted. – Hajime turned his head so fast he feared his head would pop of – Don’t give me that look. You would never ask me out to a dinner if bringing a date wasn’t absolutely mandatory. I know I was your last call.

-I can’t ask Nagito. I might scare him off.

-You took him out on a date and he didn’t notice, what’s the problem this time? 

-Last time I asked him out with a work excuse.

-Is this a project related dinner?

Hajime silent gave way the answer. Chiaki exhaled loudly and closed her eyes. Her roommate was a handful. Maybe she should hurry up the process. All the pining she had to witness every night for the last two weeks was driving her mad. There was a knock on the door. There was only one person who that could be. Chiaki was closer to the door and against Hajime’s pleads from a distance she open the door before he could stop her. Poor Nagito wasn’t even given a chance to talk.

-Do you want to go to a dinner party with Hajime tomorrow night? 

-What?

-CHIAKI!

-My work is done. I’ll be in my room.

She left calmly, disappearing in the hallway. Hajime welcomed Nagito in and closed the door.

-So, what was that all about? – he asked confused and just a tad scared of the answer.

-Oh, it’s just… - “no point in running know” he thought and with all the courage he could muster said - …Sonia, the projects runner, is hosting a dinner party tomorrow night and Chiaki thought you would like to go. I agree. There will be a lot of people you would like to talk to for your thesis there, I just didn’t want to bother you on a Saturday night.

He lied a little but just a little. His heart wouldn’t let him say the right excuse as to why he didn’t ask him sooner. Nagito was looking at the floor with a perplexed smile and red cheeks.

-Hajime… it would be an honor for you to take me but really, you don’t have to be so considerate of me… all the help you’ve given me so far is so much more than enough…

This was great, Hajime could tell him he was right and maybe he shouldn’t go. That they’d talk later. The perfect opportunity had presented itself. All he had to do was take it.

-Don’t say that. Nagito, I’ve told you before, I like helping you. You would not be a burden and I’m sure my colleagues would love to meet you. You should come. If not focused on your work then… as my friend.

Stupid heart always speaking when he’s not needed! But he did well. Something twisted in his stomach every time Nagito said something along those lines. Was that just his polite way of turning him down? Did he genuinely think he was a nuisance? God, he hoped none of those options were true. Nagito bit his nails, stressed. 

-If you really wouldn’t mind having me then… I guess I’ll take your invitation.

Hajime smiled. He didn’t really know why, since his plan failed but… he couldn’t help but to smile. It had come to that point. Where doing anything at all with Nagito became exciting. Suddenly, he couldn’t wait for next night. 

• 

It was the next night. The day had flown by him in a flash. He didn’t even meet his friends at the café as a distraction (Soda was too busy helping Sonia to go anyway). And now it was happening. Oh no, it was happening. Should he treat that as a real date? Should he do things professionally as he had done until now? Should he ditch both Sonia and Nagito and just stay in his house? Those were the only thoughts his head could generate the entire day. He had taken Chiaki to the airport, texted all his friends to NOT mention anything about dates or something of the sort to Nagito and contemplated what to do next. But now he was wearing a cheap black suit and was standing at Nagito’s front door, no time left.

He was going to knock. He was. He had to. He had been standing on the hallway for five minutes now, it was starting to get weird. He had to knock. He was going to. 

The door opened. Nagito jumped when he saw him.

-Oh! Good evening, Hajime.

-Oh, hi, Nagito. I just got here. I was about to knock on the door.

-That’s great. I was starting to think you had changed your mind and left already so I was going up to your apartment to check. – he laughed. Hajime just thought that was a sad idea.

Nagito was wearing a brown suit. It almost looked like a school uniform but he guessed that would be in line with what a college student would wear. He looked cute, in the sense that it looked good on him but at the same time seemed so out of character for him to dress in anything remotely formal.

They got to the car and Hajime drove in silence. No small talk this time. For some reason he was scared. Scared he was going to do something idiotic and push Nagito away. He didn’t understand why he got attached to him so quickly but now that the connection was there, he couldn’t stand losing it. He was already parking when Nagito spoke in a sad low voice:

-I’m sorry if I sometimes say things that make you uncomfortable, Hajime. I don’t mean to. – and with that he left the car. 

Hajime didn’t find the right words to say. He didn’t understand what he meant, which worried him. He overthought everything and couldn’t be there for Nagito like he wanted to. Was it so hard to help him? Could he help him? Did he even need help?

They walked together to the entrance of the mansion. Yes, mansion, because Sonia was extremely rich. Her parents were part of some tiny country's royalty and held a fortune. It was thanks to that fortune the Kamukura project had come to be. After walking in they were guided by a butler, most likely part of the catering team, to the main hall. Hajime was dumbfounded with the luxury they found. A wide room decorated with golden chandeliers and glass statues. Tables filled with the most intricate of dishes and guests dressed like Kings and Queens. He hoped there weren’t any actual Kings and Queens there, but you could never know with Sonia. And speaking of which, there she was, in a caramel dress, waving at them.

-Hajime, I’m so glad you came! And who is this? – she asked excited.

-Nagito Komaeda. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Nevermind. I’m a big fan of your work. – Nagito reached his hand for his standard handshake, but unaware as Sonia was, she reached for a hug. Nagito stepped back, smile gone. His eyes regretful as if that offended Sonia.

-Oh, I’m so sorry. I overstep myself. Forgive me. – Nagito relaxed but his eyes still betrayed him with regret for making her apologize – Gundam is the same. Not very touchy with strangers. And speaking of the devil you must meet him. Nekomaru!

She called out to the man, who was standing close by one of the tables with Akane. He approached them with a big grin.

-Nekomaru, you remember Hajime talk about mister Komaeda. – they introduced each other – Please make sure he meets everyone of interest. – Nagito was about to protest, probably with a classic “you don’t have to be so considerate of me” but fierce Sonia didn’t give him a chance – No “buts”! It is of the most utter importance to me you do well in your studies. Now, Hajime, lets us go.

She pulled him by the sleeve to one of the corners of the ballroom. All he could do was mouth Nagito a “sorry” from far way and watch him take it with a shy smile.

Soda was leaning against a wall, talking with dreamy eyes to a tall man. Gundam, Hajime presumed. He would have never expected that to be Kaz and Sonia’s type. Not that he looked ugly or anything but he gave off a scary aura. Messy and highlighted hair swung in front of his face. A nasty scar ran across his left eye. He looked kind nevertheless, but maybe it was just because he was talking to his boyfriend. Sonia grabbed his arm and kissed his cheek turning the man to Hajime.

-Gundam, love, this is Hajime. Head of the psychological department.

-Ahhhh, I see. So this shall be the soul of our new god. 

Hajime was caught off guard. Of course, he expected someone weird. He knew his friends. But still, that was beyond eccentric. Calling his work Izuru’s soul? Calling Izuru a god!? How could he give him an answer?

-Haha… Yes… That’s me… - he tried to handshake him but the only thing he got was confirmation that Sonia was speaking the truth: He was not touchy with strangers. 

-Yo, Hajime, where’s your date? – chimed in Soda, putting his arm around Sonia, clearly jealous from the lack of attention.

-Nekomaru is showing him around.

-Poor guy. – Sonia hit him gently with the back of her hand.

-Don’t say that. He is the most qualified person to help him meet the rest of the staff. Even I wish to speak privately to him later.

-Please don’t scare him off, Sonia.

-Nonsense! Our Sonia would never prosecute an innocent gentleman. That is, if he is innocent. Is that the fellow you came with? – Gundam pointed to Nagito, on the other side of the room, talking happily with some people from the programing team.

-Yes, that would be him. – Hajime confirmed, uneasy with what he could possibly mean.

-I sense a great deal of guilt surround him. A dark energy follows him, creeps behind his mind! Tell me, noble Hinata, has your friend ever shed the blood of another man?

Hajime didn’t know how to react to that. Was he asking him if Nagito had ever killed someone? He didn’t think so. Could he have? No. Impossible! But there were all those years he knew nothing about? Could he have been to jail? No, he would have been locked up for longer for murder. Nevermind that, what did this Gundam Tanaka know about him? He had to stand up for Nagito, had to say something.

Sonia’s hand knocked the back of Gundam’s head. As a warning, nothing brute.

-I will not have anyone insult one of my guests. Gundam, please apologize to Hajime.

-You are right. I lost myself for a second. Forgive me, noble Hinata. I’m sure your date is a great man. - Hajime thanked him bitterly. It was still hard to believe he would say something like that so casually.

-We are wasting time here! Hajime, there’s more people I would like you to meet. Gundam, Kaz, have a most pleasant evening. I’ll see you both later. – she kissed them both and pulled him way – Please don’t think badly of Gundam. He doesn’t mean harm. He’s just missing some… social filters…

He understood. Nagito would act the same way sometimes. Not that there was anything wrong with that but it made him so sad to see his reaction after he realized he said something inconvenient. He was sure he struggled with that a lot, and the comment he made as he was leaving the car solidified that. Hajime wanted to reassure him he didn’t mind but, how could he tell him?

Sonia passed him a glass of champagne. He drank it all in a sip. That was a party after all. Might as well make use of it. Sonia introduced him to the future head of the Togami family and their representative for the night: Byakuya. A young man with a proud posture. He also met Hiyoko Saionji, the heiress of the Saionji clan, a very influential family. She was a stuck-up girl who didn’t hide the fact that she wasn’t enjoying the ball. The only person, Hajime was actually happy to meet was Mikan’s girlfriend: Ibuki Mioda. She was an enthusiastic guitarist and a loud girl. The complete opposite of Mikan which might explain why they worked out so well. They balanced each other. As the night progressed Hajime saw Ibuki many times take Mikan to the dance floor and leave her more at ease in that chaotic atmosphere, and Mikan, on her part, made sure her girlfriend didn’t go too crazy in front of anyone or tried to go up to the band’s stage. It was funny to see their interactions. So care free and full of love. He craved that. 

He talked to many other people, always guided by Sonia who just seemed to want company to perform such act of socialization. He wouldn’t lie, talking to so many rich people was making him sick. He wondered what Nagito was doing. It had been a while since he last saw him. He missed him.

Just as the two of them were walking from a table to other something touched his shoulder. He turned around meeting a camara to his face. 

-Hello, Sonia. Missed me?

-Mahiru, it’s been so long. – the two women hugged. Mahiru was a talented journalist who would frequently go to their quarters to write articles about the project. Her specialty was photography, but as she would always tell them “for such an important achievement, I would write an entire book”. Another fan of the still unfinished Izuru – But I thought you were sending your intern to make the report today.

-She had a last-minute emergency call. Something about her sister, I didn’t quite understand what she told me to be honest.

-Well, I hope they’re alright. – Sonia offered.

-Oh, you just have to meet her. I’ll have to find a day to send her to you. What an amazingly clever woman. Can you believe she was working for a fashion magazine before I found her? Writing about what the best type of hats were?

-Well she looks like a very smart person. What’s her name?

-It’s…

Hajime didn’t hear the rest. From the corner of his eye he saw Nagito heading to the balcony. Alone. He decided to follow. Said a quick goodbye to Sonia and Mahiru and left. Outside it was much colder. The sound of the band playing was nearly gone and the stars provided most of the light.

Nagito was leaning against a wall, gazing lovingly at the moon. Hajime wanted to just look at him, forever. He got closer until their shoulders almost met. Nagito only noticed him when got that close anyway.

-How has your evening been?

-Good. All your friends have been really kind to me. I just needed a little break.

-That’s good. You did well.

They stayed in silence. It felt nice. The pale moonlight and the calm breeze kept them company. It was peaceful. The mix of the fading violins inside the mansion and the cicadas that lived in its garden created the perfect song. And having Nagito so close to him was just the cherry on top. But he wasn’t as pleased. 

-I’m sorry for what I said in the car. I didn’t want to upset you…

-Nagito, it’s alright. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.

-But I might embarrass you, I’m sorry…

-Nagito. – he looked at him in eyes for the first time since joining him outside. They looked beautiful. He looked beautiful – You don’t embarrass me. You are not an embarrassment, or a burden, or a bother. Don’t think of yourself as one. 

Nagito looked sad. Like he so desperately wanted to believe Hajime but something was holding him from it. Hajime had nothing to lose. He had set his mind on an insane plan and if it all went wrong he could blame it on the one miserable glass of champagne he had. At least, maybe, he could make Nagito laugh.

-Do you remember when we meet at the café for the first time? – Nagito nodded – Soda, the professor, you know, well… he set it up as a date.

-He did? That’s funny. – he smiled and turned his head away from Hajime for a second. He had to breath – Was that day at the library a date too? – Hajime didn’t even think of the consequences of his answer and said yes – I noticed… you don’t want to date me, Hajime.

-Why not?

-I’m not that good of a person.

-Who says?

-I do. I know myself better than you. You barely know me.

-Still, I’d sell a kidney to date you.

-Stop. – he chuckled – You’d regret it.

-How could I ever regret loving you?

There was the word. That big scary word that had shoved Hajime around for the past two weeks. And that word made Nagito look at him with so much sincerity. So much vulnerability. So much… hope. He wanted to be loved, why didn’t he let himself? 

-Nagito, may I kiss you?

It was now or never. He was ready for a no. As soon as he heard it, he could leave. Have his heart broken and start again. He just needed that no. That slap to the face. That punch to the gut. But he didn’t get it. Nagito’s head signal him a yes. Was that real? Did he interpret that correctly? Was he making fun of him? No, he would never. Then, could he really? Was he allowed so close? He looked so fragile, would he not break? 

And he gets closer and closer and… Their lips touch, and his mind is white light. Nagito’s lips are cold and sweet from the champagne. They’re soft and scared. And they’re brave at times. They kiss slowly but don’t shy from going further. Hajime strokes his cheek. Nagito shivers at the touch and brings his hands closer to Hajime’s chest, up to his shoulders. It feels wrong to be so close to him and yet, with his eyes closed it’s in his arms he feels the most protected. Hajime’s lips are warm and acid from the champagne. They’re caring and bold. And they’re vulnerable at times. 

They stay like that, slowly kissing under the moonlight until tiny drops of water fall on their faces. They seek shelter inside the ballroom again. It’s getting colder. It’s about to rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... we're here! Forgive me if all the love love parts are happening to fast but again, this isn't slowburn and i nevertheless tried to make their relationship go as smothly as possible.
> 
> More importantly, we are now full on angst territory. Hurt and confort baby! Tears and sadness but also love and rainbows when needed. Now, the fun begins. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter and i can't wait for you guys to read the rest. Bye, have a good day <3


	4. “You need to let someone care for you”

They stepped inside. Hajime wanted to run way with Nagito. Find an empty room, a secret passage, somewhere they could be alone. He wanted to kiss him again. And look right into his beautiful eyes. He wanted to tell him he loved him again. He could do that now. But his boss always kept her promises and meets them as soon as they walk in.

-Hajime! Komaeda! I hope you didn’t get too wet. The weather is ruthless this time of the year. Nagito… you mind if I call you Nagito? No? Awesome! So, Nagito, would you come with me? There are some things I would like to discuss with you. Thank you.

Sonia dragged him away, but unlike Hajime, Nagito didn’t look back. That was alright. No overthinking this time. He made it. Or so he thought. Hajime spotted Soda at a table and joined him. With everything that had happen he hadn’t eaten yet.

-Where are your lovers?

-Sonia is kidnaping your date and Gundam is giving pet advices to some of the guests.

-Fuyuhiko and Peko didn’t come?

-No, they said they already had a dinner planned. Marriage anniversary. – Hajime hummed and grabbed something from the table. By the looks of it, it was either a very small toast or some square yellowish fruit – But tell me, how has your date been going?

Could he tell him? I mean, it was only fair to tell the match maker he was correct but something felt off still. He shouldn’t celebrate just yet.

-Progress is being made, if that’s your concern.

They kept talking. About the project, about the food (which was delicious might be added. Work of one Teruteru Hanamura. Hajime didn’t recognize the name but he had to admit, he was good), about work, anything that popped into their minds. 

Less than half an hour later Sonia and Nagito were back. He looked exhausted. Hajime pulled him aside.

-Do you want to go home? – he asked worried.

-Yes, thank you.

Hajime said goodbye to all his friends and took Nagito home. The rain was getting stronger. Once again there was no talking during the journey, but nothing worrisome. Nagito was tired, he wouldn’t want to talk, Hajime thought. He was wrong.

As he was dropping him off at his apartment Nagito asked him inside with a melancholic tone. Hajime took it, curious as to what that could mean. It was the first time he went inside his home, if it could be given that name. There was no decoration on the furniture or walls. No useless souvenirs or family pictures. Nothing that could give that house personality. Nagito went into the kitchen and made them some tea asking Hajime to wait in the plain living room. When he returned, he sat distant from Hajime, on the other end of the grey sofa.

-I’d ask you to please not interrupt me while I speak, please. – Hajime agreed, starting to get scared of what he could possibly say – I’m sorry I kissed you. I shouldn’t have given you that kind of lead I… I don’t think you should date me. It would only cause you problems.

Hajime knew he wasn’t supposed to talk yet but something was wrong. Why was he only talking about Hajime? The consequences it would bring him? That undoubtedly made Nagito very sad but he refused to acknowledge it. He wouldn’t bring it up yet but he wouldn’t just stand and watch.

-How can you be certain?

-Because everyone that I get close to either get hurt or regrets meeting me. I’m not supposed to say this but it’s true. I wasn’t made to be loved.

-How can you say that? – Hajime instinctively got closer to him – How can you think that? Of course you can be loved!

Nagito smiled. A smile made of pity for Hajime’s foolishness.

-Tell me about your pass relationships, Hajime.

That was a quick change of subject. But Nagito appeared more relaxed so he took it. 

-Well, I dated this goth chick in my second year of college. Wore tons of white face paint every day. One time she gifted me a dead rat. To this day my friends tell me my type are the sick and dying.

-Does professor Soda think I look sick and dying?

-What? No! It’s just a joke, really. You’re not sick. Or dying looking! You’re very pretty. It’s just…

-Hajime, I was kidding. – he laughed briefly and grabbed his hand, drawing invisible lines over Hajime’s palm – I have never actually dated anyone before. I have no silly stories of love and… dead rats.

-Wait, was that your first kiss?

-More or less. – Hajime’s face dropped in anguish. He probably ruined Nagito’s first kiss. He didn’t know how but he felt like he did – Don’t worry. It was a great first kiss. My point is… Although I have never been in a romantic relationship before I have had friends close to me. And they never end up well. One of two things happen: all parties get emotionally or physically hurt or… they leave. They get bored of me and stop reaching out. Not that I blame them. I just wish I hadn’t wasted their time.

-Well, if all your friendships are so horrible then what’s Chiaki to you? 

-In all reality, Chiaki and I were not really close in school. We only started to talk more when I moved here. – he paused there, unsure if he was capable of passing the right message through Hajime. They rain was thickening outside. The sound of the water hitting the window was nice. It was a distraction – I won’t blame her when she asks me to stop coming over.

-She would never! And neither will I! 

-I don’t think you get it. – his voice was the perfect contrast against Hajime’s anger. Nagito transpired acceptance. He was sad but he knew the consequences of getting close to people. He was trying to protect him – I… don’t want to tell you everything that happen before I went to college. Chiaki told me you were curious, and I appreciate you not being too forceful about it… I just can’t tell you yet. But there’s things I need you to know. I did something bad. One time, I… I made a very bad mistake. I was with a friend and… You never think someone is going to get hurt. You never think it will get that far. But something went wrong and I almost… I… I hurt someone. Badly. – Hajime didn’t respond. He just grabbed his hand tighter. Showed him he was there. There was no reason for fear. Nagito’s eyes were forming small puddles of tears. He wasn’t crying. He wouldn’t allow himself to cry before he told Hajime all the facts. – I had to see a therapist for a really long time. I… lost touch with the few friends I had. I couldn’t get close to people, I still can’t to a certain degree. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was completely lost. And then my therapist told me that I could go to college. Start fresh. And here I am. I’ve tried to make connections in the past. I know they don’t work. I won’t try to make them anymore. For your sake.

The rain had reached storm levels. Sonia’s dinner was probably dipped in chaos between people scared of lightning and people who couldn’t get to their cars. Their tea was cold, abandoned in the old coffee table. Nagito was finally crying. He barely made any sound. The tears just rolled down on their own. The power went off in the apartment. Their only source of light came from the curtainless window. None of them moved. 

-I’m sorry, you didn’t have to hear all of that…

-No. No, it’s alright. I’m glad you would share that with me. – Hajime wasn’t that smart. He would sometimes forget he had a whole degree in understanding people. But it still came in handy in moments like those – But I stand with my initial statement. From what you told me, what happened wasn’t your fault. You should not blame yourself. And on top of that, it affected you too! You were also the victim in that situation. Again, I don’t know what happened, and you don’t have to tell me, but you need to forgive yourself. If people abandoned you, it’s their problem. You don’t have to worry about wasting their time. And if someone gets hurt it’s just part of forming relations with people. 

-After everything I told you, could you still love me?

Hajime took his face in his free hand and looked at him with the most sincerity he could find in himself.

-You need to let someone care for you too, Nagito. And I already love you.

Nagito wanted to cry even harder now. He didn’t want that. He wanted Hajime to leave. To get somewhere safe. Far from him. He didn’t want his love… And that’s why it hurt the most to be so happy to have it. Hajime was so easy to reach. To touch. He never scared him. He loved him too.

He was crying. He wanted to be alone. He told himself he had to be alone. He had to tell Hajime to go. To leave him. But his throat was closed. All his efforts to scream ended in pathetic sobs.

In that helpless position Hajime’s hand left his face. Maybe he didn’t have to say anything. Maybe he had finally understood. It wasn’t too late. Nagito was used to being left alone. This was just like all those times. More painful, but essentially the same. He was used to misery. He deserved it. It was fine. It was fine. It was fine. It was…

Hajime’s arms took him. Pressed him close. Kept him warm near his chest. He kissed the top of his head. Told him he wouldn’t leave. Nagito lost. He wanted to be loved. Who doesn’t? He grabbed his shirt and just cried. He wanted to crawl inside his ribcage, hide behind his heart. He just wanted to be safe. Just once. And Hajime was so nice. So warm. Nagito couldn’t remember a time he had felt so secure. 

Hajime was silent, absorbing the sound of the rain and Nagito’s yelps. Vowing to himself to be the first person who wouldn’t leave him. Making that his very own project. 

• 

Nagito woke up on his own bed. Dressed in his dinner suit, minus the jacket. Hajime was nowhere near. He didn’t remember falling asleep. He didn’t remember getting to his bed. Maybe it had all been a dream. Maybe Hajime just realized how big of a mistake he had made and went home. “Good. This is good. This is what I wanted after all.”, Nagito lied to himself. He didn’t want that. He wanted Hajime back. He wanted another hug. Another kiss. 

Too late for that. He got up and dressed himself in something more comfortable. He wasn’t hungry but he knew he just couldn’t mop around all day. He probably had homework. He entered the kitchen, fixated on just getting a coffee. When he stepped inside, he was faced with Hajime, by the counter, cooking something.

-Good morning, Nagito. I hope I didn’t wake you up. You seemed really tired, so I was letting you sleep. I’m making breakfast, though.

-You didn’t leave.

Hajime turned off the stove and walked in his direction, staying just far enough that if Nagito wanted to came closer he would without hesitating. 

-I told you I wouldn’t. – Nagito blushed and looked at his feet.

-So… what are you doing?

-Right! Yes… - Hajime turned around and grabbed a tray – We should go to the living room. I’ll show you there.

He complied. The first big difference he noticed walking in was that the tea he served the night before was gone. Hajime must have cleaned it. They sat down. This time Nagito didn’t shy from seating close to Hajime. Close enough their legs were touching. Hajime blushed lightly. It was cute.

-I made coffee and plain toast, because I didn’t know if you liked to have anything on yours. I also went up to my apartment and bought some jam and cookies because I couldn’t find any in your cupboards. 

Nagito almost let slip a “you didn’t have to” but stopped himself at the last minute. Hajime was doing that because he wanted to. He wasn’t pressuring him. It was alright.

-You wouldn’t find any… jam or cookies. I usually don’t buy them… What happened last night?

Hajime put down his cup and adopted a more serious look.

-We talked. We cleared some things up. And you cried and I hugged you because I can’t stand seeing you in that state.

-I… remember that.

-You fell asleep on my… on the couch. I took you to your room and cleaned the place. You know, the tea cups and such. I also fixed the electric panel, went back to my apartment to change. And came back here to check on you.

Hajime was going to say Nagito fell asleep on his arms. He was glad. He wished he could fall asleep around his arms every day. He held his hand. Hajime probably hadn’t slept all night form what he told him. He did it for him. 

-Thank you… for worrying. I guess you didn’t change your mind, then.

-Absolutely not. In fact, I’m only surer of my decision. I wouldn’t advise you to try to change my mind, you would be speaking to the wall. I would know, you see…

He kissed his cheek and laughed. Hajime went quiet and blushed harder than Nagito had ever seen him. He was trying. He was trying for him. Perhaps he wouldn’t leave him. Perhaps he would be the first not to get hurt. He would hold onto that hope. 

Still a feverish mess Hajime asked:

-About the dinner, what did you and Sonia talk about? I hope she didn’t stress you. She is an amazing woman but very extra sometimes.

-Oh no, she was lovely. She just wanted to ask me… something. – Hajime stared at him waiting for more – She invited me to join your team. As an intern! I wouldn’t be taking your job whatsoever, please don’t worry!

-Nagito! That’s incredible! I’m so happy for you!

-But, I thought you wanted to work alone?

-Well, you’re right. The idea of working with someone else does scare me. But when I think about it, you’ve been helping me already. I have made some really good progress thanks to you. And… it would be really selfish of me not to face my fears as well. - Nagito understood what he meant. He squeezed his had a little. A sign of appreciation. Trying to deflect the attention from him Hajime continued – And imagine all the possibilities! Interning at the Kamukura project while still in college!? Workplaces are going to love you! I mean, it’s going to be really difficult to do both school work and work work, but I'm here for you and I’ll help with anything you need.

Nagito kissed him again. He liked to see him flustered. Things were going his way. They really were turning for the better. And when things start to go too well, all they can do after is destroy everything around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're in it now, boys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had a great time writing it. Now we go onto the darker stuff BUT WITH OUR HEAD HIGH! YEAH!
> 
> Anyway, have a good week guys. Kiss kiss (fall in love)


	5. Two steps forward; one step back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: meal skipping

-Nagito and I are dating.

-Finally.

Chiaki’s team had won the gaming competition. Hajime had gone to pick her up from the airport. She was tired and no matter how much she wanted to be happy for her friends, she wanted to sleep more.

-Is that your only reaction?

-Oh, I’m sorry, did you want a cookie? – Hajime pouted and she sighted. No need to make him sad – How’d it go?

-Great! – his good mood immediately returned and his voice pitched. “Oh, to have his energy”, Chiaki thought – I mean, it did get a bit sad for a second but we went on a date today.

-Sad does sound like Nagito. What did you do? 

-We went to the park. You know, simple yet good? It was fun. He knows a lot about trees somehow. He told me all of this cool facts. It was pretty cool.

Hajime was about to rant about his feeling. Chiaki was too tired for that. She rested her head against the window. Sleep took over her while Hajime spoke.

• 

It’s raining again. Nagito likes the rain. He is seating by his window contemplating it. The rain is unpredictable but never harmful. The rain can be spontaneous in a way that doesn’t hurt him. And the rain brings in the cold. He doesn’t actually like the cold, he’s just used to it. When it’s cold he stays all day in bed. He can pretend someone is there besides him. 

But there might be someone very soon. It’s midnight. Monday, already. Some hours ago, he was on a date. A real date. He had never been to one of those. After they had breakfast Hajime proposed they went to the park. It was drizzling but they didn’t need an umbrella. Nagito was feeling brave. He walked the entire day with his arm tied to Hajime’s. Of course, the only thing that crossed his mind during that time was stress. But he had to do it. He promised Hajime that he’d try, and he was. He info dumped him a little too much, as distraction, about tree knowledge he’d pick up when alone in a library but Hajime reassured him it was alright and he chose to believe him. It had been years since he last saw his therapist but he liked to think he’d be happy with him finally making progress. 

It was decided Nagito would still go up to their appartement every day after either work or college and that Hajime would go down to his more often. Sunday would be date day, no matter what. Even if their date consisted of doing Nagito’s homework they’d be together.

When they were saying goodbye, ready for Hajime to go pick up Chiaki, Nagito nervously kissed him. A real kiss. On the lips. It went horribly. It was too fast. They barely touched. Hajime smiled anyway and kissed his forehead. Every time he got close to Nagito his brain exploded in joy. For a time, the concept of kissing Hajime was a mere fantasy. A child’s dream that is doomed to fail. But now he could just do it. Pull him close and kiss him anywhere he wanted to. 

It was almost embarrassing how happy Nagito was. He felt his cheeks heating up and left his seat. His bed was cold, but it might not be for much longer. He is happy, he doesn’t know for how long, but he is glad he has that small moment of happiness.

• 

Fuyuhiko  
“You’re KIDDING”

Kaz  
“Hajime, you’re the man!! I knew I made the right choice I just knew it! BAAM!”

His friends were over reacting. He had a boyfriend, so what? Actually, could he say they were boyfriends? Was it too soon? He had already told him he loved him but maybe there was a different etiquette for that. He didn’t have much dating experience either. 

He replied:  
“yes, whatever. Also, he’s going to intern at the project. Exciting, right?”

Fuyuhiko  
“yeah, man, I'm happy for you”

Soda was taking some time typing. It was concerning to say the least, seeing Kazuichi write so much.

Kaz  
“Oh boy that’s a bad idea! Hajime, bro, listen to me: you DO NOT date the people you work with! It does not work out. Look at me. When me and Sonia started dating, I left the project. That stuff never plays out like you want.”

Fuyuhiko  
“You’re overreacting. Me and Peko work together and we’re happily married.”

Kaz  
“Please don’t say stuff like that, you sound like an old lady. And you don’t actually work together. She’s just your company’s lawyer! That doesn’t count as working together. But anyway, I’m just saying, I don’t think that’s a good idea, but you do you Hajime.”

Hajime understood, and appreciated, his friend’s concern but he would make it work. He promised he would. He turned off his phone and went to bed. Technically it was already Monday. One in the morning. He hoped Nagito was already asleep but still texted him “Good Night”. Tomorrow they would see each other again. All was good. 

• 

When he woke up, Nagito panicked Hajime would be mad at him for not answering his massage. He had been kind enough to send him a good night text and he didn’t reply. He was already asleep. What could he have done? Hajime was going to yell at him. He would. Or maybe he wouldn’t. He said he loved him. That must have been a lie. “STOP!”. Nagito scream echoed in his head. “He is not going to yell at me. He’s not like that. I need to trust him!”. Making progress was difficult. He wanted to trust Hajime with his whole heart but old habits die hard. He skipped breakfast. He wasn’t hungry.

His classes only started in the afternoon. This was as a good time as ever to go talk to Sonia. He was going to take her offer. He had never been inside the building where they worked. He didn’t even know if it had a name. Did it? Normally people just call it the Kamukura building, but would that be their whole brand after they finished him? A problem for later. He entered the elevator after asking security where miss Nevermind worked. A strong woman followed him inside.

-Yo, Nagisa, right? How are you, dude?

-Good, thank you. – Nagito didn’t correct Akane. Nekomaru had told him at the party it was useless.

-Came to visit, Hajime?

-No, I…

-Oh, you have to go see him. He’s already here. Arrived twenty minutes ago or so, I saw him come in but I was eating by the cafeteria so I didn’t chase him. You two dating or something?

Nagito froze. Was he allowed to tell people, no, not any people, Hajime’s friends, that they were dating? Would he be embarrassed?

The little voice inside his head verbally slapped his brain. He was doing it again. Doubting his word. He said he wasn’t embarrassed. They went on a date. It was fine. Breath. He won’t mind. You can say it.

-Ah… yeah. We are.

-Cool. Congrats, man. And sorry. Hajime can get so grumpy sometimes. – she laughed but Naito didn’t understand the joke – Oh, look, we’re here.

-I’m going up one more floor…

-Noooo! You need to go see your man. It’s cool, don’t worry.

Akane jokingly picked him up and took him into their workplace, only dropping him when the door closed. His vison blurred. Everyone was already there. Mikan, the nurse if he remembered correctly, Nekomaru and… Hajime. He looked surprise. Oh no. He didn’t want him there. He was ashamed of him. Nagito made a mistake. He should leave. He was feeling sick.

-Akane, why would you do that?!

Hajime’s arms found him and walked him outside. Oh. He was concerned… for him. He sat him on the floor. Nagito was more than grateful. He felt like if he stood up for a second more, he would collapse.

-I’m so sorry Akane picked you up. She’s just friendly, please don’t think badly of her. I’m so sorry.

He checked his temperature and hug him. 

-It’s alright… I was just a little overwhelmed.

He kissed his forehead and held his face. For a moment Nagito forgot why he was ever worried in the first place. Mikan’s shaky head peaked through the door.

-It’s e-everything alright-t? Do you-u need a-anything?

-No, Mikan, thank you.

-I just felt a little sick. I didn’t eat that well this morning.

-If you-u tell me what you ate I-I could tell you what’s w-wrong.

-I had nothing.

Hajime’s eyes widened. He was angry now.

-Nagito, you can’t do that! Mikan, tell Nekomaru I’m leaving for a bit. Come on.

He helped Nagito up. He was leading him to the elevator. He didn’t have to do that. He was taking him way from his work. He couldn’t be that selfish.

-It okay, Hajime, I do this a lot.

-Well, you shouldn’t!

-Are you angry?

-No, I… - Hajime sighted - I’m worried. We’re going to get you breakfast.

-I can go alone. You don’t have to leave your work.

-Thanks, but I’d rather make sure you don’t pass out in the hallway. 

His serious look shut down anything Nagito could say. Hajime bought him a croissant and a coffee at the cafeteria Akane had previously been in. He didn’t talk until Nagito finished. Had to make sure he ate everything. Nagito wasn’t used to having so much food in the morning but he was sure he wouldn’t be sick. 

-New rule. I’ll go down to your apartment every day and have breakfast with you. And no, you don’t a have choice. – Nagito finished his coffee. He wouldn’t argue, even though it felt like he was getting too much attention – So, what brings you here, today? Surely you didn’t come just to see me.

Hajime’s sly smile brightened Nagito’s mood. His brain might have been processing everything that was happening but his heart was just delighting himself on Hajime’s presence. 

-I came to talk to miss Nevermind. Tell her I would like to intern here.

-That’s great. I can take you there if you want. 

Nagito thanked him and once more they were on the elevator up. He spoke up.

-I’m sorry I didn’t text you back yesterday. I was already in bed. I hope I didn’t make you angry.

-What are you talking about? – Hajime giggled and grabbed his hand – I wouldn’t get mad from that. I don’t think I could get mad at you at all. It’s okay. – Nagito was relieved. Hajime hadn’t lie. He loved him – Nagito, if I ever make you uncomfortable please tell me. I want you to be as relaxed with me as possible, alright?

-Could… Could you tell me you love me again… just so I can be sure?

Hajime lifted his hand and kissed it.

-I love you, Nagito. 

• 

-I’m really glad you accepted my proposal, Nagito. Really, we needed more people in the psychological team and I’m sure you are the perfect choice.

Sonia’s office was small yet elegant. Very bright and colorful. Her desk was decorated only with her computer and pictures of her and her boyfriends… and their hamsters. She had some papers in hand. Even though it wasn’t one, that situation still felt like a job interview. Nagito just shook his head to everything she said.

-And I’m also sure Hajime must be delighted knowing he is getting you as an assistance. – she accentuated the word “you” in her speech and winked.

-Thank you, miss Nevermind…

-Oh please, call me Sonia. And no “miss”! Kaz bored that word for me. – she laughed. It no longer felt like an interview. Sonia was too welcoming.

-Well, I really appreciate the offer mi… Sonia. I’m incredibly grateful.

-Oh, it’s my pleasure. Now, I wanted to discuss some more serious matters with you. – her smile dropped. Nagito’s stomach sank. He knew exactly what she was going to mention – Your college sent me a lot of papers. I see you are a top tier student, that’s very good. However, they sent me some… other filles. Some of them with rather concerning topics.

Nagito interrupted her. His heart was picking up. He couldn’t let her continue. He knew those filles way to well. He didn’t want to be reminded. He didn’t want people to know. He didn’t want him to know.

-Please don’t tell Hajime! If you don’t want to employ me, I completely understand, but please… don’t tell him.

-Nagito, it’s alright. Calm down. I still want to hire you. I was just going to say that I wished you had told me this in person and I didn’t have to find out like this. I am to be your boss after all.

-Of course. Forgive me.

-I won’t tell him. I think that is something for you to do if you see fit. But, please tell me if there is anything else on this subject, I need to know.

-Of course.

-Changing topics. – her cheerful tone returned as she picked another paper from the desk - I also received your class schedule and already made you a time table with when you have to come in. I hope you like it.

It was good. He worked Monday morning and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in the afternoon. Friday and weekends were free. He thanked Sonia once more for the opportunity and left, still shaken up. Horrible memories crossed his mind but he quickly turned them off. He couldn’t let Hajime found out. He couldn’t lose him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Sonia or Nagito won't tell you about his dark past I WILL... later... but soon still... don't worry. 
> 
> Again, I hope you liked this chapter, it was more on the filler side, but trust me: it's necessary filler. I know, just bare with me.
> 
> Moving on, I also hope you have a fantastic week. See you in a couple of days.


	6. Nightmares and dogs are omens of the end

A lot of time passed. Two months to be exact. Hajime was still working at the Kamukura project but his brain no longer did a full one-eighty every time people asked him about it. Nagito was still interning for him. His college life was more difficult than ever since he had a job now but Hajime was always there for him. Sundays, which were supposed to be their date days, were usually spent inside, studying together. Nagito was slowly accepting that as well. Help with no second intentions besides a make-out session after.

Obviously, not everything was perfect. Since his conversation with Sonia, old nightmares had been invading Nagito’s sleep. He’d wake up in a panic, scared and alone. And so cold. He didn’t tell Hajime anything. He was sure they would disappear soon. He didn’t have to worry him.

They were finishing some papers. It was late. They should have left hours ago but were having too much fun. Hajime was smiling while typing something on his computer. A glow in his eyes you wouldn’t find some months ago. Turns out working with the people you love does help your mood. 

-I’m getting a little tired. Should we go? 

-Maybe that’s a good idea. I don’t want to face the janitor. He yelled at me the other day for some dirt on my shoe.

-Yeah, he’s like that. When we first moved in the building, he would go up to everyone and ask us to keep everything as clean as possible, even if it meant working less. Still, a good guy. Wished me a happy birthday last year. – Hajime checked his phone while cleaning up – Hey, what if we went on a date? – Nagito looked at him dumbfounded - I mean, we’re already late. And you don’t have classes tomorrow. We could go for a walk.

-You have to wake up early in the morning.

-I’ll manage.

He gave in. He did want to go on a date that didn’t involve textbooks. He grabbed Hajime and walked next to him to the exit. They got in the car and drove to the park. It was closed, of course, since it was almost midnight, but they could still walk around it. It was freezing outside but nothing unbearable when next to each other. Nagito was just the slightest taller than Hajime but that didn’t stop him from stretching his neck the impossible to rest his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. He looked silly doing that, but Hajime would never mention it. First, it made him the happiest person in the world to know Nagito was so at ease with him, and second, there was no need to stress him. It was a pleasant evening all thing considered. Not many people around and not many broken street lights. They didn’t talk much. They didn’t have to. They were content with just the other’s presence. 

Nagito’s eyelids were weakening, however and he was starting to yawn.

-Let’s go home.

-Nooo… Let’s stay out longer. – he spoke in a sleep drunk voice.

-Sorry, we’re going home.

Nagito complained but whatever he said was incomprehensible. He did follow Hajime to the car obediently, but only because he was too tired to do anything else. He briefly fell asleep during the ride, forcing Hajime to carry him to his apartment. Nagito’s apartment, since he now possessed a key as well. It was given to him so he didn’t have to knock every morning when they had breakfast. When he dropped him on the sofa Nagito woke up.

-Go put on your pajamas.

-Don’t want.

-Fine, sleep in your jeans, tell me how comfortable that is tomorrow.

Nagito stoop up upset and went in his room to change. Hajime went into the kitchen to make them some tea. The place had changed a lot. Partially because their relationship was also advancing so easily. The walls were covered in polaroids. Chiaki had bought a machine and now everywhere you looked you could see pictures of the three of them. There was also more food in the shelves. Hajime was scandalized when he first discovered what Nagito’s diet consisted of (barely nothing). He started to, very subtly, bring things over. Some pasta, some candles, some cookies, some fake plants. Overall, it was starting to feel like a home. He met Nagito in the living room but he was already passed out on the couch again. He was way too tired for what was considered normal and usual. “More wasted tea.”

Hajime lifted him up. He loved to have Nagito in his arms. A selfish part of his brain made him happy Nagito needed him. It was horrible that he felt that way. His endgame was to make Nagito happy on his own, obviously, but it was nice to know he was good enough for something… good enough for someone.

As he was lowering him to bed when Nagito pulled his sleeve and spoke:

-Don’t go.

-Nagito…

-I don’t want to be alone. 

Hajime laid next to him, with the intent of only staying until his boyfriend fell asleep, but Nagito immediately curled up to his chest.

-I don’t want to sleep. – his voice trembled, afraid of something that only visited him in his dreams – I don’t to see her. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t…

-Shhhhh. It’s alright. I’m right here. You’re not alone.

He pressed him close. The amount of times when hugging him was the only comforting thing he could do was sad. He stroked his hair and kissed his head until all he heard was peaceful breathing. He couldn’t leave now. That wasn’t how he imagined his first night sleeping at Nagito’s house to go but he was glad he could be there to calm him down. 

Nagito had his first night without a nightmare in two months. 

• 

When Nagito woke up Hajime was gone. In his place was a tray with cold coffee, a sandwich and a note waiting for him on top of the kitchen counter.

“Sorry I can’t have breakfast with you today. I didn’t want to wake you up. I’ll see you later. I love you.”

It was late. Nagito had slept well. He felt more refreshed than ever. He didn’t remember how, or why, Hajime slept with him, but he did remember falling in his arms. His favorite place. He didn’t have classes that day but he did have work later. Maybe he would go up to Chiaki’s apartment for the time being. They hadn’t played anything in a while.

• 

-Hey, Hajime? Doesn’t you boyfriend come in now?

-Yeah, he must be a little late.

As Nekomaru finished his question a rushed Nagito busted through the door.

-I’m so sorry I’m late. I was with a friend and we lost track of time. 

-Sound like Chiaki. – Hajime said, making room on his desk for him.

Akane got closer and high-fived him. She learned her lesson from the “lifting Nagito up” incident but handshakes were just too formal for her. Mikan, on the other hand, was too scared to even get close to him, but they still had formed what could be probably called a friendship. He sat down next to Hajime, discreetly kissing him on the cheek.

-How’s your writing going? – Nekomaru asked.

-Pretty good. I just want to check some things with Sonia before we move on…

-Have you called for me, dear Hajime?

Sonia strolled in the door. Wearing a proud smile for an accessory she jumped on their table, crossing her legs as she sat.

-I was looking over your notes with the coding team and I think we’re done.

-Wait, really!?

-Yes, Nagito my boy, you get to go on vacation! 

Their eyes shined enough to compete with the sun’s light. They were done? All their work paid off? Hajime hugged Nagito on instinct. God, if it hadn’t been for him, he would still be mopping around, procrastinating starting his next paper. He owned him so much but could only pay back in cuddles.

-I’d say finish whatever you’re working on now, take two weeks off, and when you came back you start working on emotions. What do you say?

-I… I knew this day would come but… I could never picture it.

-Four years, Hajime. We’re almost there.

Hajime felt his weight being pulled from his feet. Akane was spinning him on the air.

-This is amazing! Dude, congrats. And you too, Nelly. – Nagito thanked her with a smile.

-Congratulations on the good work. – Mikan chimed him.

-Oh, this weekend we need to celebrate! Dinner is on me!

-Well said, coach!

Nagito grabbed Hajime’s hand. His face fully red. He couldn’t believe he had helped. Two months. It wasn’t that much time compared to Hajime’s four years. Two months ago he would have shrugged that victory aside. He’d say he didn’t do enough. He’d put himself down. Not now. He would take that small achievement and wear it with pride. He was pulled away from this thought by a kiss to cheek. Hajime was looking at him with the most love drunk eyes. 

-You still have to come in tomorrow. I know you it’s not in your schedule, Nagito, but I’ll pay you the hours if you want to help with the last morality paper. – suggested Sonia.

-Unfortunately, I can’t. I have a really important exam tomorrow. – he seemed devastated.

-Oh, that’s unfortunate. But let’s think positive! You’ll be here for the entirety of the next stage. This is your last year of college, right? – Nagito was caught by surprise. Sonia couldn’t mean… could she? – You are more than welcomed to stay here and work full time after you graduate.

Nagito wanted to cry. Only one person before had given him such a big opportunity. He didn’t know how to show gratitude. All he could do was hide his mouth with shaky hands. Hajime rested his own hand on his shoulder and whispered to him while the rest of his friends celebrated for them: “Congratulations. You deserve this.”

• 

-Hajime, you don’t have to do that.

-But I want to.

-It’s too difficult. Let it go.

They went on a date. Early celebrations for a job well done. They visited a new promising restaurant next to the Kamukura building, walked around for a little and stopped at an arcade. After walking in Hajime noticed a particular claw machine and decided to try it. It was becoming obvious Hajime wanted a very specific item because he was always positioning the claw in the weirdest positions. It was his fourth try with no success and no matter how amused Nagito was it was starting to get pathetic. 

-Why don’t you try a different machine.

-I want this one. – Hajime responded focused.

-I remember you saying you were the claw master. – fifth try, no prize – What happened to all of that? – Hajime kissed him for a minute. Nagito didn’t question why and kissed back. He took any chance the world gave him to close the gap between their lips gladly. But he was still forced to tease – That won’t distract me from your failure. 

-I needed a good luck charm. 

He winked in his direction and luck did strike. Sixth try and a prize was received. And it must have been the one Hajime wanted because his excitement was unparallel. He took it out. It was a white dog plushie, and a small one for that matter. He handed it to Nagito, who took it with caution. 

-What is this? – he asked.

-A couple of nights ago you told me about your dog and I thought about it when I saw this.

-Wait, you are giving this to me?

-Well, yes. It’s a present. I hope you like it.

Like it? Nagito loved it! Not only had Hajime remembered something he told him, which in itself was already a reward, but he couldn’t remember the last time someone gave him something just because they liked him. And it was such an adorable plushy! He knew he probably resembled a child, looking at the floor, all blushed. He thanked Hajime, softly, and shook his head.

-My turn!

-Be my guest, but let me tell you, the claw machine will only submit to its master. You’d need a level of skill that passed those of the Gods and…

-I got something.

Hajime opened his mouth and Nagito laughed as he picked up his reward. It was a keychain in the shape of a four leafed clover. He gave it to Hajime.

-Now you have your own lucky charm.

-Noooo… - he whined – I prefer the kisses.

And as he said it, he kissed him between smiles. Kisses that tasted like happiness and carefree attitudes. They went home in this state. Not surprisingly, Hajime ended up sleeping over again, just this time they fell asleep over cuddles and smooches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, guys.
> 
> Sorry this chapter took a little longer to come out. I'm kind of in a writing slump because of all the things i have to do for school. Not to worry, however, i will finidh this fic.
> 
> I'm really excited for you guys to red the next chapter. As you might have guessed from this chapter's title things are about to go down. It will really be the turning point of the story and mark the midle of it. Really exciting stuff. I hope your ready.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you had a great week like i instructed and i wish you a good weekend now. Have fun guys. Love you all.


	7. Ghost of mistakes past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicide attempts; suicide mention; self-harm; emotional abuse; manipulation; negligent parents; sexual assault; stabing
> 
> Yeah, I know, thats a lot of TW's but I don't want anyone to have a panic attack over my fics. All I can tell you is that if these bother you to an extreme level you should leave and come back when you feel ready. This is the only chapter that will have this ammount of worrying stuff in it so after this we'll go back to our usal level of angst. 
> 
> And on that note, this is a big boy of a chapter so I'd reccomend you guys go get yourselves a nice drink, maybe some snacks and get ready.
> 
> Be safe everyone,  
> Love you

Hajime went to work. Last day on morality. Nagito couldn’t be there but he would be from now on. They had breakfast and watched tv before he left. A domestic atmosphere was blooming in that apartment. Maybe it was time Hajime took some of his stuff into Nagito’s house. He could stay over more. Besides, sleeping in his shirts and jeans was staring to get to him. He wasn’t a teenager anymore.

Sonia had promised them some days off after they were done with that work stage. He couldn’t wait. He wanted to take Nagito somewhere. Someplace where they could be alone, far away from everybody. He wanted that. That was Nagito’s last exam for that semester so he could probably afford to miss some classes. And he had just scored a job; college really wasn’t that important right now.

What selfish thoughts Hajime had. The only thing that made him a somewhat decent person was realizing after how horrible they were. Of course he wouldn’t force Nagito to miss classes! What was that all about? He closed his eyes and reflected. Maybe he wasn’t a good boyfriend. Every time Nagito crossed his mind the first thing that popped in his head was how they affected each other. Why couldn’t he just simply love him? 

He was pulled away from his imagination by Sonia.

-Hey. How’s that going?

-Good! I might have to stay a little longer than expected but nothing too much.

-Awesome, no problem. I’m so excited. – she grabbed his arm and shook it. A gesture with little to no meaning but that really made Hajime feel her excitement – Listen, Mahiru’s intern is coming by. I told them we were done with this first phase so she’s coming up here to talk to you about it. Is that ok?

-Yes, yes, sure. I’ll be waiting.

-Great! Oh, and by the way, Nekomaru is booking a restaurant for us tomorrow. Nothing fancy, not many people, don’t worry. Just us, Nagito, obviously, and my boys if you don’t mind.

-It’s fine by me.

Sonia shook his arm again and left. Hajime went back to his work and retrospective thoughts, but not for long. Someone came in.

At the door stood a young woman. Her posture spoke respect and authority. She presented herself as powerful. Her clothes called the attention of the eye and screamed “supremacy”. Everything in that room was now at the control of her red painted fingertips. She skimmed the place with hungry blue eyes, grinning as soon as she spotted Hajime. She tightened her ponytails and walked towards him. A sick feeling invaded his stomach. She was intimidating to a whole new level.

-Mister Hinata, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m miss Mahiru’s intern. I’ll be interviewing you today. My name is Junko Enoshima.

She extended her long pale fingers to him. He felt her pointy nails dig his flesh during their handshake. He invited her to sit down and she took his miserable old office chair as a throne made for her. The interview began. She asked almost all the same question’s Nagito had asked him but… these didn’t comfort him. Nagito spoke from the heart. Junko, however, she was cold, calculative. He didn’t know why she was there but it wasn’t love for her work. She wasn’t satisfied with just that.

-Hinata, I have to ask, and this is completely off record but… is it true you work alone? Why is that? – that sounded like a trick question. She didn’t really want to know that. She wanted to dissect whatever Hajime’s answer was and find a flaw. Her twisted dark sense of humor, he guessed.

-I did, yes, for no reason at all. But I do have an assistant now. 

-Oh really? Who are they?

-Nagito Komaeda, but he’s just interning I doubt you would like his interview…

-Excuse me? – her eyes glowed with second intentions. They sucked all of the heat from the room and made Hajime feel desolation. Who was this girl? – Could you repeat his name?

-Nagito Komaeda? 

-Oh, forgive me. I thought you said another name.

Hajime wasn’t convinced that was an innocent question on its own but elected to ignore it. He wouldn’t figure out what was going on inside her head that easily. They finished their interview and Junko left. Hajime felt like he could finally breath. Mikan approached him.

-Was that Mahiru’s intern? – he confirmed – P-pretty but… She was scaring me-e. What did-d she want w-with Nagito?

-Nothing, she mistook him for someone else. 

And speaking of Nagito, he should text him, warn him he would be late. He was looking forward to see him again. It was decided, he was going to change his behavior. He was going to put Nagito first. 

• 

Nagito collapsed on his couch when he got home. His exam had been harder than he expected it to be. Still, for the first time, he was hopeful he would succeed. He always had good grades but he feared it was just luck helping him. But with Hajime’s help and his new job he really had gained some proudness on his achievements.

He grabbed his phone. A text from Hajime warning him he would be late was displayed on the screen. No problem. He could wait any time in the world for him, although he wished he could just be there already. He didn’t have any nightmares again and it was obvious why. Maybe they should just move in together. “God, what am I saying?” he laughed to himself. The small dog plushie sat next to him. Nagito hugged it. It was a mall gesture but it made him so happy to have it.

There was a knock on his door. Certainly, it wasn’t Hajime but Nagito’s little heart jumped when he heard the sound. Maybe he managed to come home earlier. Maybe the text he got was meant for Chiaki. He ran to the door opening it with the biggest smile… a smile that died as soon as he saw who stood outside. A ghost from his past. A monster. Despair itself: Junko.

His voice stopped working. He wanted to close the door but his whole body ignored him. All he did was step back in fear. That couldn’t be real… She wasn’t there... No…

-Hello, Komaeda, dear! Did you miss me? – she said in a cheerful tone.

Nagito wanted to run way. To hide. That couldn’t be happening.

-No… You’re not real… I’m hallucinating… that’s it…

-Oh no, sweety, I’m real. Real as dawn!

-You can’t be here… I… I… You couldn’t find me…

-You know, I’m a journalist now. Always loved the drama and gossip I guess, and I was interviewing someone from the Kamukura project and found you. The things people tell you for a bit of fame. Told your boss I wanted to interview you and she was kind enough to give me your contact info. Did you know the yellow pages still have people’s addresses in them?

He didn’t hear the rest. Junko was walking in, locking the door behind her. Nagito’s eyes unfocused. His ear ran static. He was cold. And scared. No, not scared, terrified. And his face probably showed it because Junko laughed. And with that laugh, Nagito was gone into darker times.

• 

Considering the family Nagito was born into, no one would have expected his life to turn up the way it did. His parents were wealthy and happily married, lived on the countryside in a comfortable small mansion. Had servants, a dog and nice neighbors. A perfect family some would say.

All of that didn’t stop Nagito from growing up a lonely child. He wasn’t allowed to leave the house often, and when he did, it was to accompany his parent to important meetings. He didn’t know any other children his age and wasn’t paid much attention by his parents or babysitters. Even at a young age he understood he was an annoyance.

One of the few childhood memories Nagito still had was from the day his parents left him. The first time he was really abandoned. Seven-years-old. He screamed and cried for them not to leave him. Beg to be taken as well. He held to his mother’s leg, tried desperately to make her stay… and she kicked him way. 

-God, Nagito, stop it! You are being a horrible son right now! Jesus, why do you have to behave like this!? You’re not good for anything!

He stopped crying. His mother was furious with him. He realized there he didn’t want to make anyone furious like that. Didn’t want to hurt anyone he cared for. She turned around. Didn’t look at him one last time. Didn’t hug him or kiss him goodbye. Just left. His father was already inside the cab, ready to leave. The last time he saw his son was the night before, at dinner. They were going to live off the country for job reasons. Bringing a child was just too much needless work. They didn’t promise to visit during the holidays so they didn’t. 

He enrolled in school. He wasn’t the best at making friends. Living in a small village everyone already knew each other. But he didn’t know anyone. He didn’t want to disturb any of the other kids so he didn’t talk to them. The teachers tried to put him up with other children but they wouldn’t really want to play with him. 

His dog died. He got home one day and one of the employees his parents had left behind to take care of him informed him. The body had already been buried. He didn’t get to say goodbye. 

Nagito found peace in reading. While all the other kids played football during recess, he would go to the school library and pick up random books. It was lonely but a loneliness he could control. Afterall, that way, no one got hurt.

Primary school was over. To go to school now, he had to take the bus to town. He sat at the front, right next to the driver who would make small talk with him from now and then. His new classmates weren’t the calmest of students but they all seemed very close. One girl, however, didn’t seem to have many friends either. She approached him one day.

-Do you like Sonic?

-Excuse me?

-Sonic. The game? I bought the new game and there’s a double player option.

The girl standing before him was short and chubby. She was holding a game console like her life depended on it. Nagito was tempted to say yes, to accept and play with her, but something held him back. He had heard stories like those. People who pretended to be your friend to humiliate you later. That could be one of those instances. 

-Pardon me, but who are you?

-My name is Chiaki Nanami. I’m two seats in front of you in class. I always see you alone so… I thought I could ask you to play Sonic with me.

He considered the offer. Even if she was doing that to get a laugh out of it later, he would be doing something good. She would be happy with that. He didn’t mind being laughed at. It was better than being yelled at. He played games with Chiaki for some time but she never tried to embarrass him. She was always so kind. It was odd. No one ever talked to him the way she did. But he didn’t know how to talk to her. What is the appropriate answer to a compliment? If there is such a thing! Maybe that was Chiaki’s way of getting to him. Lying. Tell him he was good for something. 

Chiaki made new friends. Friends that actually made plans together and went out. Not friends that you talk to for thirty minutes a day. When she got those friends, she tried to keep in touch with Nagito. Ask him out as well. But what would he do in a group of people he didn’t know? He would just be taking valuable space. After some time, Chiaki stopped trying and Nagito didn’t blame her. Chiaki would one day would regret that decision, but she was young, and young people don’t know any better.

Fifteen years old. Chiaki and him changed classes. They no longer saw each other. He was alone again. Understandable, he was just a stand in for when Chiaki made real connection. She didn’t need him anymore so she threw him away. It was the right thing to do.

It was then she appeared. Junko Enoshima was a phenomenon. She was glamour and sadism. She was sugar and ambition. She was new in the school and she already owned the place. Everyone feared her and wanted to be her friend. She talked to the older kids like they were her pets. She was a master in manipulation and not even teachers were exceptions. She went to parties and kept good grades. If God had a face it had to be hers. She didn’t keep many people close to her, however. The only one she would have constantly by her side was her sister. A quiet girl with murderous eyes. She did everything Junko told her and followed her everywhere. Besides her, Junko would talk to her friends, but she didn’t depend on them.

Nagito wouldn’t say he admired her. To admire someone, you must admit to wish to be like them and he would never deserve the attention she got. She was so superior. He venerated her. She had so much control. All the power he never had. He would gaze at her during class, discreetly look at her in the hallways. To be so close to such magnanimous entity felt like blasphemy. To allow his good-for-nothing-self to be close to her. If for once he allowed his selfish desires to run free, he would talk to her, just one time, if only just for a second. 

Foolish dreams one can have in ignorance. She approached him one day. He was standing in a corner, counting the seconds to go back to class. She looked at him like he was a new shiny toy. Christmas had come earlier and she found the best present one could wish for. She spoke, as she was ordering a dog around:

-Who are you?

Nagito looked up. His muse was talking to him. An illusion, perhaps. No way Junko would ever get close to trash like him.

-Excuse me? – he asked.

-God, are you deaf or something? I asked “who are you?”. I’m Junko, this Mukuro. I wanted to know if you had plans for tonight. Me and a couple of friends are going to the club and I have an extra fake i.d. Figured you might want it since you’re always so miserable.

He answered, half of his brain still denying that was happening. Not only was Junko talking to him she was also inviting him to hang out with her friends? It must be trick. Oh, but to be tricked and used by her? It would equate a miracle! He took the bait. They met at a local club. Junko was dressed up to party and had a cult of followers behind her.

-Hey, Komaeda! You’re here! Cool. We’re going in. If security asks about your picture just say you came with me. Have you ever had a shot? You got to try it. Come on. 

She marched inside. He followed suit, knowing that even security she was able to bride. It was way too loud inside and the lights hurt his eyes. He was scared down to his bones when Junko grabbed his arm and pulled him to the bar. She touched him so casually. God wasn’t disgusted by him. She bought him a shot, wasted her money on scum like him.

-Drink up! It’s a Black Russian. Vodka and coffee. It will keep you up. – Nagito stared at the small cup. He had never done anything like that before. But he wouldn’t let his muse down! He wouldn’t disappoint her. He took it all in a sip. Junko shouted from excitement – You took it down fast! Dude, I’m going to get you another one!

The night proceeded. Nagito drank many more shots. So many, part of that night would become a blur in his memory. But he remembered receiving stupid orders from Junko’s friends and their laughs after he obeyed them. It was pathetic to obey them. But then he would notice Junko from the corner of his eyes and she would be smiling. She was enjoying his misery. That he could face. For Junko, who had been so kind as to approach him, talk to him, and bring him to a party, he would suffer any amount pain necessary. If that would make her happy, he would die. 

He didn’t feel well the next day. His servants immediately recognized the hangover but didn’t mention it to anyone, only advised Nagito to stay home that day. He didn’t listen. He had to see Junko again. When he got to school, she laughed in his face.

-You look horrible. If a teacher sees you like that you are so getting detention! – she stopped for a moment, considering something malicious by the looks of it – If you do something for me, I’ll get you out of detention.

-Of course, anything! – he didn’t care about detention, he just wanted to do what Junko wanted of him. Fulfill her every wish.

-Meet us behind the school after classes.

He did. He spent that entire day waiting for that moment. He watched Junko talk to every teacher before class began and noticed how they looked at him after. She was wasting her talents on him, the least he could do was do whatever she wanted. He found Junko and Mukuro at the agreed place in the agreed time. Mukuro looked angry but Nagito didn’t ask why. She didn’t seem to like him.

-Oh, good, you’re here!

A small pocket knife dropped at his feet. Junko’s sister had thrown it. He picked it up, confused and eager to know why he would need it.

-I want to see you cut your arm. – his shock was immense. He wasn’t afraid to do it, to say so, but he didn’t know if he was able to do so, physically – Don’t worry, I don’t want you to became an amputee. I just want to see you do a small cut. I’ve never seen someone do it and I’m curious. 

In did she was. Her eyes glowed with pure anticipation. Nagito’s pain was the peak of her day, if not her week. She was looking forward to it, fixating her gaze only on him. Nagito warmed up. He had all of Junko’s attention just for himself. She needed him, if only just for entertainment. His dream had come true. He smiled and slowly, as to not cut more than he wished for, drew the blade across his arm. A burning cold sensation ran through his body but he didn’t mind. Junko’s giggle was enough to cure his pain. 

-That was so cool! Do another one! Do another one!

Nagito drew two other cuts before Mukuro complained that she was bored.

-God, you’re such a pain! Fine! Hey, Komaeda. Keep the knife. Don’t use it unless I tell you to. Don’t want you to run out of space without seeing this a couple more times.

They left. Nagito was abandoned again but this time he didn’t feel alone. Junko said she wanted to see him again. His arm was itching. Blood painted his skin. It didn’t hurt so bad, and even if it did, it wouldn’t stop him. Junko liked it. And he liked to see Junko happy. It was his only purpose. 

That cycle continued. Junko would meet him behind the school building and he would perform some harmful stunt for her. Be it with the knife Mukuro gave him, lighters or simple rocks they found on the floor. Most of his servants noticed this damaging behavior but didn’t care. He did, however, overhear a conversation on the phone between the butler and his mother one day.

-I don’t care. He’s not a baby anymore. If he wants to do that sort of thing let him.

-Miss, I believe he is harming himself. It may not be the best image for the family.

-He could become a junkie for all I care! If he can’t take care of himself I sure as hell won’t! And when it comes to the family that’s to his father to decide! I honestly don’t understand why you called me, really!

She hung up. Nagito went to his room. He didn’t cry. It was fine. His mother didn’t care. If she didn’t care she wasn’t getting hurt. That was good. He wasn’t hurting anyone besides himself. He could do that. He deserved it even! He ruined his mother, he worried his teachers, he held back Chiaki. Small cuts weren’t enough to pay for all those sins.

Junko added him to her group of close friends. Meaning: Him and Mukuro. It was such an honor! He followed her around school, she would show off his scars to her friends like he was a dog. She laughed. He smiled. She also took him to many more parties. Nagito hated those the most. It was too loud and Junko would get him drunk. She’d pass him around to her friends. Girls would touch him everywhere. He didn’t like to be touched, but they would grab him and press their hands to his body… and laugh. He ended every nigh dizzy. He felt disgusting. He got home. Sat in his tub. The water was cold. The house was dark. Why did they touch him? A guy lifted his shirt. A girl licked his neck. No matter how much water he used he could never feel clean. But then he would remember Junko driving him home, and laughing when everyone touched him and… he felt better. He’d fall asleep happy. 

Seventeen. In a month he would be eighteen. Junko was still his friend. Him and Mukuro still didn’t talk much but he considered her his friend nonetheless. One day, when they were supposed to meet behind the school building, he only found Junko. 

-Good evening, Komaeda! How are you?

-I’m good, thank you.

-Look, I have something different planned for today. I figured “Wow! We graduate this year! That’s crazy!” so we might as well go out with a bang, don’t you think? – she didn’t let him answer – So, anyhow, do you have your knife? Fantastic! Take it out, get ready and good luck.

Before he figured out what all of that meant; before he could figure out why she took him to the middle of the nearby woods; before he could figure out why he would need luck for a game; before all that someone grabbed him from behind and held his neck.

-Did you know Mukuro wants to go to the army after graduating?

The pressure around his neck got stronger.

-She’s been training real hard too! Already knocked out two guys in illegal fights.

And stronger.

-But there was always something missing from those fights.

Stronger.

-I guess what I’m saying is that I want to see you guys fight to the death.

She cheered and with the little air Nagito had left in his lungs managed to kick back, just an inch, his opponent. He turned around. Saw Mukuro unharmed but ready to strike back. Ready to kill. He didn’t notice how quickly he turned. He didn’t take in consideration the adrenaline filling his body. He forgot about the knife in his hands. He didn’t want to hurt anyone but himself. But he did. And in a swift movement Mukuro’s neck was slashed. A river of blood flooded from her throat to her chest. She was gasping for air, holding her flesh together with her hands, but still trying to move forward to get to Nagito. He petrified. What had he done? Junko wasn’t laughing, but had a wicked grin painted across her face.

-Look at what you’ve done, Komaeda, to my poor baby sister!

-I… I didn’t… I

-Run. – he turned to face her. Mukuro had collapsed on the floor, dyeing the grass a new color – Run or die, before the cops arrive.

And so, he did. He ran. He ran until his legs gave out. He let himself be guided by instinct alone. He was deep inside the forest when he finally stopped.

-What have I done? What have I done?

He killed Mukuro. He killed his friend. How could that have happened? He didn’t… Did Junko meant for that to happen? No… she liked him. She talked to him… took him places. And what had he done? Killed her sister. How could he?! Useless excuse of a person that can’t do anything right and hurts everyone. His mother hated him. His father didn’t care about him. Chiaki probably resented him. Mukuro… Mukuro was dead. He felt sick. He wanted to throw up, cry, scream, die!

Die? He noticed the knife in his hand. He hadn’t dropped it. It’s was bloody. Mukuro’s blood. “Run or die”, Junko told him. It did no good to run. He could never forgive himself. And what could he do anyway? He was below trash. He was the lowest scum on earth. Surviving for that long was a sin itself. He griped the knife harder. He had nothing to live for. He had no one to live for. Whatever made him think he could be a good person? “You’re so stupid, Nagito. No one loves you. Why did you try?”

A sharp pain in his stomach. And another. And another. A freezing sensation took over his limbs. He fell to the floor. No one would find him there. The pain was getting stronger. His eyelids grew weaker. He cried because he knew no one else would cry for him. He cried because of what he had done to Mukuro. He cried because it was the only thing he knew how to do. A picture of his mother flashed in his brain. She hated when he cried. Maybe his death would be the only good thing he could do for her. He was sure his mother would be happy. Junko too. He hoped Junko would be happy. Maybe he should have done that earlier…

He woke up on a hospital bed, handcuffed. His head hurt and he couldn’t move without being taken over by waves of agony. He didn’t understand what was happening until a man in white coat got close to him. He failed. His lawyer met him after a while. Bearer of bad news.

-Komaeda, I’m glad you’re okay. Doctors say it was pretty lucky they found when they did. A little longer and we wouldn’t be talking.

“Lucky”. Funny thing that was. Every lucky thing that got to him felt like a curse. He was lucky to have wealthy parents. He was lucky to meet Junko. He was lucky he didn’t die. But she did wish him good luck. He didn’t answer any of his lawyer’s questions.

-And it also really lucky that the girl made it. I mean, manslaughter isn’t that fun to bring to court. – so, Mukuro was alive. A height left Nagito’s shoulders. He hadn’t killed his friend. But of course, not everything was perfect – It’s still a shame you mutilated her so bad, though. Apparently, you got to her vocal cords. They don’t think she is going to be able to speak again. But enough with her. I talked to your parents. Unfortunately, you have been cut off from having any relations with your family. You are not to contact them of inherit any of their businesses. However, you will still have access to your bank account and, I hear, it’s generously full. I’m also working on a really nice deal with the defense so you don’t have to worry about anything. 

What a deal that was. Thanks to his attempted suicide, and underage nature, Nagito was sentenced to just one year in a metal hospital facility. He didn’t question their decision. His life was over anyway. It wasn’t a bad hospital in anyway, but it was just a waste to use all those resources on him. Broken glass can never be put back together again. On his first day hospitalize he got a visit. He hadn’t seen either of them in court. For the first time in a while Nagito felt happy. Junko was seating in front of him with the biggest smile. Mukuro stood behind her, bandages around her neck.

-Nice hotel, Komaeda! I got to say, I’m kind of jealous. – Nagito absorbed all the words she gave him. A puppy who just reunited with its owner – But I bring you bad news, dear. This is goodbye. You are no longer of use to me. Locked in here and all, you know?

-Wait… what? Junko, you… you’re leaving me?

-Oh, please Komaeda. Did you think I wouldn’t? Yes, you were my favorite toy for a long while but… I always mange to break my toys.

-No, please, I… I did everything for you. I love you, Junko, you are my everything.

-Oh my God, Komaeda! You are even more pathetic than I thought! This is great! – she laughed. A laugh filled with hatred and mockery. Sadist. Wicked. She got closer to him and held his face in her hand. With a disgust filled expression she whispered – You are nothing, Nagito Komaeda. No one loves you. No one ever will. 

She left. Mukuro looked at him before following. Nothing behind her eyes. No grudge. No sympathy. Nagito was alone again and forever. Junko’s laugh ringed in his ears. The last memory of his idol. 

What was supposed to be a year turned into four. His release date kept being postponed. Afterall, he almost killed himself five other times while hospitalized. Hanged himself with his sheets. Stored his pills and tried to overdose. All those times the doctors would tell him he was lucky he made it. He didn’t feel lucky. He felt miserable. When he went to bed all he heard was Junko’s laugh. Whenever someone touched him, they gained her face. That was his punishment. And he hated it. Why wouldn’t they let him die? He deserved it. “Let me die” “Let me die” “Let me die” “Let me die”.

The only thing he hoped for during three years was death. Around that time a new psychologist was hired to the hospital. Nagito started to see him. At first, he was just another doctor but something changed. Slowly, he made Nagito want to open up. Slowly made him realize that maybe he deserved, if not anything else, to live. After two more years, Nagito didn’t want to die anymore. He was still wary of everyone but… he was just a little bit better. They couldn’t keep him forever. One month before being discharged his doctor mentioned:

-What do you plan on doing when you get out?

-I don’t know, really. Get a job?

-You’re still young, Nagito. Your life isn’t over. You could go to college.

-What would I even study?

-That is up to you to decide. But if you allow me an opinion, I’d say psychology. Whenever we have a session you express grand interest on the subject. Call me biased but I think you would really like that. – Nagito considered it. It was true he was really interest on the subject. He had read, multiple times, all the books the doctor borrowed him on it. But, could he really start over? – You still have time to think about it but when you come to a decision come talk to me. I can help you get into a good school.

Nagito thought about it and then thought about it again. He was going to do it. Give life another chance. His psychologist helped him on the entire process. He moved into a decent apartment near his school. By law, he had to warn all his neighbors he had a criminal record. When time came to knock at the final door a familiar face opened it.

-Nagito! It’s been so long!

Chiaki appeared. A surprise yet to show itself as good or bad. The first impression wasn’t good, however. She moved forward to hug him. It had been literal years since they last saw each other, it was an understandable action. As her arms touched him Nagito pushed her away, heavy breathing. The twisted smile, the hungry eyes, and to top it off, that disconcerting laugh. Not even Chiaki was an exception to the curse that fell on him. She immediately apologized and welcomed him in for tea. It was good to catch up. Chiaki already knew of the incident. It had been all over their town’s papers back then. The name of the victim hidden for privacy. Thankfully, the news hadn’t been big outside of their small town, Nagito’s parents made sure of that. He told her about his time at the hospital. She told him about her gaming addiction. She also told him about her roommate and reassured him he didn’t have to know. His name wasn’t on the building contract. Nagito thanked her and they promised to see each other more often. 

Time went on. Nagito got better. Junko’s voice slowly faded from his memory. Her face was still everywhere but he didn’t fall asleep to laughter anymore. College was amazing. He loved the subject and all his teachers treated him well. Of course, they held his criminal record along with his school files and knew all about what he had done, but never treated him differently from the other students. It was more than he deserved, but he didn’t complain. 

His last year of college. A very popular project circulated all media types. The Kamukura project. Nagito found it fascinating. He scored an interview with the head of its psychology department. A young handsome man. Probably his age. Nagito liked to meet him. He answered all of his questions, gave him all sorts of interesting details and then stopped for a second or two to decide if he was allowed to tell him that. It was cute. Suddenly he told him he only got the job because of luck and Nagito got inexplicably sad. He didn’t understand why he didn’t trust his abilities. Guided by some power inside of him, some primitive wish to not see a brilliant mind go down his path of self-destruction, he spoke: 

-And what’s wrong with that? Even if you only got the position by luck, I doubt you would have been able to keep it with just that. 

The look Hajime gave him. Utter trust. Just like that, that fast, that man trusted him. A new feeling grew inside his chest. The interview ended. He got home. He had to tell Chiaki. Had to tell her something was off. Why was this guy different from all other strangers he met? He rushed to her place and saw… him. Hajime was Chiaki’s roommate?! How had he missed him for all this time?

They talked more and more after that and something weird happened. It was a late afternoon. Nagito was making a silly joke and his hand moved up to touch Hajime’s shoulder. He didn’t even notice it at first but, when he did, his shock wasn’t born from panic. Hajime kept his face. He didn’t turn into his ghost when he touched him. Hajime wanted to help him. Hajime tried to understand him. Hajime… kissed him. And held him as he cried. Hajime was willing to risk everything for him. Hajime loved him. And without wanting to, Hajime had sold him to the devil.

Junko Enoshima stood in his living room. The dream was over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, everyone.
> 
> So... did you like this chapter?
> 
> I'm sorry I hurted Nagito so much but I kind of need him to suffer to justify... well, everything about his behavior. Besides, I introduced my favorite ship - Nagito x Therapy
> 
> Yeah, I'm rambling, but anyways! I do hope you enjoyed this. We are halfway through the story and i can't wait for you to see what i have planned next. Also, if you think I missed any triggers on my first notes, could you warn me in the comments, please? This is my first time adding them so i dont really know yet what is and isn't one.
> 
> And if you aren't felling well, or are thinking you'll never be enough, please reach out. There's a lot a people out there who love you and would be devastated if you left. You are loveable, worthy and you deserve your life. Stay strong.


	8. A sadist named Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TRIGGER WARNING!: physical and phycological abuse.
> 
> I don't really know if this should be a trigger because it's just standart Junko behavior in my opinin but yeah... she's messed up and i don't want you guys to panic.
> 
> Have a good read everyone, i'll see you in the next notes :)

Nagito was pushed to the floor. He still couldn’t believe that was happening. His mind was on fire. He bit his nails, looked everywhere but Junko’s face, tried to find a sign that told him he was dreaming. But he didn’t find such a thing. He was getting better! He was trying! Why did she have to appear?

-Get a grip, Komaeda! Are you even listening to me? God, you didn’t change. 

-Leave! Leave me alone!

He tried to get up but a kick to the stomach kept him down. Junko kept her foot on his torso making breathing so much harder, or maybe it was just the anxiety getting to his lungs.

-Now, you don’t talk to me like that, you hear? And here I was trying to catch up, you know, like a good friend! But I guess you’re still just as stupid. Hey, tell me, do you still tell people your parents are dead or are you normal, now?

-We’re not… friends…

-WHAT!? Of course we are! Remember all our good times in school? Sure, I made you do some pretty horrible stuff, but that’s in the past now! I’ve changed! In fact, I came to you with a proposition today! – she clapped her hands.

-You don’t change.

-I do! For example, my hobby isn’t making kids kill each other anymore. I’m much more subtle now. Get up.

She kicked him once more and when Nagito didn’t respond again. He got up with difficulty. His entire body hurt and trembled. 

-So, here’s the plan! I want to destroy the Kamukura project!

Junko celebrated like Nagito was already on board. His eyes lost all color. “No.” What could she mean by that? Whatever it was he had to stop it. He couldn’t let all of his work go to waste. He couldn’t let all of Hajime’s work to go to waste! He finally liked his work. He was proud of it. Junko couldn’t! 

-You see, they might be internationally loved but… they have had their fair share of drama. The founder of the whole thing being in a polyamorous relationship! Scandalous. The questionable team made of her friends? Problematic. And I’m guessing that one more scandal and their founding will be cut off as fast as the head of Marie Antoinette was! And you are going to help me find their skeletons! I mean, you are inside their closet.

-Why are you doing this?

Nagito pleaded. A mistake. Junko fed on fear. She delighted herself in watching him tremble. She got closer to him as a perverted smile grew on her face and whispered disgustingly in his ear.

-Because it’s fun. – Nagito froze and she stepped back, as to watch the horror she created take over him – Think of it this way: When I was younger, I could only play with stupid little children who dedicated their lives to anything that made them feel useful. If you need prove this happens, you just have to look at bands from the mid 2000’s or choir kids. Teenagers are eager to be used. But now? I have influence. I no longer have to convince people to ruin themselves for me. I can do it myself without any consequences. And you’re going to help me.

-No… No, I won’t… I’m not your entertainment anymore, Junko! I won’t help you! I have friends now! People who care for me! Hajime…

He got exalted. He said to much. As that name left his mouth Junko’s eyes got bigger. He covered his face. Fool is the one who gives free ammunition to his opponent.

-Hajime? You mean Hinata? No… This is so much better than what I wanted! – her giggles were poison. Nagito’s heart stopped. “Please… please don’t hurt him too.” – Is this him? – she pointed to one of the pictures on his wall. Him and Hajime. It was a domestic seating. Taken by Chiaki a couple of weeks prior. They were on their kitchen. He was teaching Nagito how to cook something. Not even him could remember what by now – Oh lord, it is! Oh, this is adorable! What’s that?

Only when she asked did he noticed he still had the toy Hajime gave him on his hand. She stole it from him in a slip-second. Desperately, Nagito tried to get it back. He wouldn’t let her take that way. Wouldn’t let her take Hajime way. But Junko was more skillful, and most importantly, she wasn’t panicking. She grabbed his shirt and pulled him inches from her. Instinctively, his face turned to the other side. 

-He gave you this, didn’t him? – no answer. There was no need for one - Alright, change of plans! Here is what’s going to happen. First of all, you are going to look at me when I talk to you. – a slap to the face. Nagito turned his head so fast a bone in his spine cracked. He wanted to prove he was strong. Prove he could look at her. But seeing her so close he couldn’t stop his eyes from forming tears. He wasn’t ready to face her – Good boy! As a reward for being my favorite toy, I’ll give you a choice. You either help me and keep your stupid of a boyfriend or… - she pushed him way and held the dog with both hands, a sharp nail threatening a cheaply made stich on the dog’s head - …you leave him. – the stich broke and a piece of Nagito’s heart with it. She couldn’t mean it… she couldn’t… - You leave him and leave the Kamukura project. You break his heart and became my puppy again. I’ll give you my word I won’t do anything to destroy his work then. 

Nagito disappeared from his body. He couldn’t leave him. He had no one else. No…

-Junko… no… please… don’t make me do this…

Another broken stich. A playful smile dangled across her face, holding in a laugh she knew she would be able to use later. Foam fell form the plushies neck. For a moment, Nagito swore he saw blood. 

-I don’t get your crying. We both win. You protect your beloved; I get to watch you crumble. It’ll be just like the good old days. 

Nagito’s knees felt to the floor. He was exhausted. Lost. Confused. There had to be another way. There had to be. He couldn’t lose him too. It would kill him. 

-I’ll give you a little incentive. If you don’t break up with him, I’ll not only tell him that you’re a murdered I’ll also publish it on my magazine. “Kamukura project hired a criminal! Head of psychology dated him?!”. The hit that would be with readers. Maybe that’s the scandal I need. – she realized she wouldn’t get an answer from him in that state. She broke another stich and violently threw the dog in his face – I’ll come by tomorrow. I hope you make the right choice. 

The sound of the door closing threw Nagito into despair. He collapsed to the floor and just cried. Screamed for anyone to hear him. For God. For Hajime… for someone to save him. He should have known he would hurt him! Why did he kept lying to himself! “You are nothing, Nagito Komaeda. No one loves you. No one ever will.” Junko hadn’t lied to him. He was alone. He reached for the plushie Hajime gave him. He held it like it was the most precious thing he ever owned. It was. After hours of weeping he got up. He had a decision to make. He had to be strong one last time. 

• 

Hajime was exhausted by the time he got to his car but tried to cheer himself up as much as possible for Nagito. He had made him wait for a really long time but it was worth it. His work was done. They made it. He literally ran up his building stairs to get to his boyfriend faster than the elevator could take him. He deserved the best kisses in the world after all his help. He used his key to open the door, happier as he had ever felt.

-Nagito, I’m… Oh my God, what happened?

His eyes were red and his face pale. It looked like he had been crying for hours. Hajime ran up to him but was stopped.

-Please don’t get close to me! I’m… I’m okay. I’m just felling a little sick that’s all.

-Well, let me take care of you…

-Hajime, no! I’m fine. Could you leave?

-What?

-I asked if you could leave… I want to be alone for bit. I’ll see you tomorrow. 

Hajime was caught by surprise but obeyed. He had promised he would make him his first priority and if Nagito needed space, he would give it to him. With his stomach in a knot he walked to the door. Just as he was leaving, he noticed Nagito holding the toy he gave him with the tiniest of strengthen. It looked messed up but he just figured it was his tired eyes fooling him. He smiled and wished him a good night from the door. Nagito didn’t react. Hajime went up to his apartment. He prayed that everything was alright with Nagito. 

He hadn’t been brave enough. When he saw Hajime come in with the biggest smile on his face, he just could break his heart. Because, yes, breaking it was the only option. Hajime was stubborn. Hajime cared too much. He would catch on that Nagito was lying to him. So he had to completely ruin him for him to leave. He tried to sleep it off, but sleep wouldn’t come to him. He laid with the stuffed dog and sobbed quietly. He was ruining himself too.

• 

Hajime woke up and almost had a heart attack. For a brief second, he even forgot he was supposed to be worried about Nagito. Twenty missed calls from Sonia. 20! What could have been so urgent that she had to call him those many times? During nighttime, nonetheless! Had anything happened to his work? Was it wrong? Did they lose it? He immediately dialed her number and waited impatiently for his boss to pick up. Her voice came from the other side, loud, high pitched and angry.

-Hajime Hinata! Why do you sleep with your phone on silent!?

-I don’t know? Sonia, why did you call me?

-It’s Nagito! He texted me last night saying he quits! I tried to call him, to figure out what’s wrong, but he won’t pick up.

-Sonia, I’ll have to call you back. 

He threw his phone onto the bed and left in a rush. He knew something was wrong with Nagito. Why didn’t he stay with him last night! “You’re so stupid Hajime!”. He ran into his apartment worried sick some tragedy had happened. Instead, he found Nagito peacefully making some tea over his counter, looking much better than he had the night before.

-Nagito, are you alright? Sonia just called…

-Oh, Hajime, good morning. Glad you’re where, we need to talk.

Even his voice had changed to a cheerful tone. He settled down his kettle and turned towards him.

-Sonia called and… - Hajime tried stuttering his question but Nagito abruptly interrupted him

-Hajime, I want to break up with you.

-… I was… What?

-You heard me. – Nagito said calmly – I’m breaking up with you. It was fun while it lasted but everything comes to an end.

-No, wait… - Nagito’s statement had shot him like a bulled. Cold words that threatened everything he held dear. He couldn’t mean that… right? – You can’t break up with me.

-Actually, I can. That’s how dating works.

-No, Nagito, you’re not well. You were pretty shaken up yesterday, you don’t want to say that.

-I can reassure you I know exactly what I want. I want you to leave.

-You can’t be serious. Not after everything we went through…

-“Everything we went through”? HA! – Nagito let out a dry laugh that shook Hajime to his core – He haven’t been through anything! We’ve known each other for three months.

-Wat about it? That’s enough time. So, what? Are you saying that my feelings aren’t real? Your feelings aren’t?

-Feelings? Hajime, you didn’t actually think I loved you, did you? All that happened between us was an escape. You found me when I was a little down so I thought you would make up for a good distraction. Nothing more. Did you seriously think I could fall for you? Hajime, you are the most ordinary man I have ever met. You have little to no friends, a job that was handed to you and an old car. Nothing about you is special. You’re one step away from being worthless. As if I would ever fall for you!

The hate that came from his words was what hurt Hajime the most. Icy daggers pierced his chest. All he could do was look stupidly at Nagito. Wait for him to admit he was joking. To say something. Wait for the nightmare to be over. But he got no such thing. 

-Tell Sonia I liked working for her. You know, besides the bad company, it did help a lot for my thesis. I’d ask you to leave now. 

Hajime didn’t know what to say. His heart shattered; his throat closed. Nagito had walked past him and held the door open, pointing him to the hallway. He followed. His brain couldn’t produce any decision for itself. The last thing he did before he left was turn to Nagito and say in the most desperate voice:

-I love you.

The door closed in his face. He walked slowly up to his house. He couldn’t figure out if he should cry or not. He opted for taking to Chiaki, who did her best to offer any good advice.

Meanwhile, right after he closed the door, Nagito sank to the floor.

-I love you, too. – he whispered.

He wasn’t going to cry. That’s not what Hajime would have wanted. From afar, the plushie stand. His last memory of a good time.

• 

Restaurants are too chaotic for Hajime, especially when he’s mad. Yes, because he is mad. The time for sadness had gone and pass. All he wanted now was to figure out why Nagito treated him the way he did. Part of him still told him his excuse was a lie but he had to grab something. Hold onto a truth that gave him an explanation. 

Nekomaru had kept his word. Him and his friends were having dinner at a local restaurant. Even Chiaki went, as support for her sorrowing roommate. The food was good. It was one of those very rustic places where the meat feels real. Actually grilled outside in the sun and not just a basic kitchen. He tried not to think of basic things. What Nagito had told him hit a sore spot for him. He grabbed his phone.

“You could still come to the dinner. You worked on the project as well.”

He never got an answer which made him even angrier. The rest of the table was having fun, he should try to have fun with them. That whole party was for him after all. He tried to get into the mood but from one of the windows at the establishment he thought he saw a heap of soft white hair cross the street. “So I’m already at that stage where I think I see him everywhere. Damn it.”

• 

A morbid childish melody filled the building’s corridors. Heals against floor tiles preserved the rhythm. Junko couldn’t be happier. She found her long lost toy. And he was still as easy to manipulate as ever! Silly boy really believed she was going to stop trying to ruin the Kamukura project. Poor Komaeda. The things he wouldn’t do to help those he loved. It was obvious which option he would take. He simply had to protect his lover and having his secret out into the world was a big no-no. Everyone in his small town was something but having that exposed connect to such an important project? His life would be ruined. Well, it was already. Props to his still very-much-alive parent for keeping that under the radar for so long but… she just had to ruin that fun. Oh, the thrill of destroying not only Kamukura but also Komaeda’s family. How much could they resent him after that? Well, not a pressing issue. For now, she could just focus on torturing him and looking up more dirt from miss Sonia Nevermind.

A harmonious knock was heard inside Nagito’s apartment. That could only be one person. He opened the door, ready to face her. 

-Goooood evening, Komaeda, darling! Broke off the whole dating thing already or should I start writing?

-We’re over, yes, so you can leave. – Junko stopped the door with her foot.

-Non-Non, mon amour. You see, the deal was you joining me again. Remember? And I have plans for tonight. Not to worry, I’m sure you are going to love it. So, are you coming or do I need to put you in a collar?

He followed, upset. He was doing that for Hajime. That’s all that mattered. Or was it? Maybe he cared more about hiding his secret. Maybe breaking things off the easy part. Maybe all he really wanted was to protect himself. He shaken those thoughts out of his head. That was exactly what Junko wanted, but he wasn’t 15 anymore. He would let her get in his head this time. 

It was a chilly night. Winter was a long season there. Junko was jumping in front of him, leading the way to some place unknown. There were many people outside. Nagito didn’t go out at night much so he wouldn’t know. He hoped Chiaki wouldn’t mind he missing their usual hangout. He wondered what she was doing. He wondered if he should ever show up again. 

His phone vibrated. A text from Hajime. He wanted to open it. See what was going on for him to text him. But he couldn’t lose focus. If he let Junko ruin the Kamukura project he lost. He didn’t conjure any hypothesis on what he might have found had he read the text. 

They were passing by a local restaurant known for they grilled meat when Junko stopped humming and said:

-Just so you know, Mukuro doesn’t care that you disabled her. The only thing that made her angry was that you won the fight. She trained really hard! And, sure, she was unarmed, but it was still pretty embarrassing to lose to you. But I guess we all have bad days.

-How is she? – he asked, genuinely concerned for her. He never meant to hurt her. It upset him to have never spoken to her again but… it was the right thing to do if he wanted to stay away from her sister.

-Good as always. Still stubborn about learning how to sign but she’s getting there. It’s not even difficult, I got it in a month or two, but she just likes to play difficult…

-Wait, you learned how to sign for her?

-Well, duh? Got to keep the appearances. Besides, I managed to get my teacher to do coke once and now he’s divorced. Fun, right? Oh, we’re here.

A sadist to the end. They stopped outside a club. The smell of alcohol and burned lights got to him. Only Junko would be cruel enough to take him there. He tried to shove the flashbacks from his head. 

-I figured you might have missed going out. – she lied with a big grin.

A familiar shape stood outside. An athletic woman with short black hair, a mini skirt and leather jacket looked at him form the door. A red nasty scar ran across her neck. Mukuro Ikusaba walked up to him, agitated, but with nothing behind her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to drop Mr Loverman by Ricky Montgomery here and leave before you guys attack me....... I don't blame you though.
> 
> Have a great week guys :) Love you all
> 
> (P.S.: I think Im just going to make my scheadual for updates every saturday, because I've been seeing a pattern and that way you guys aren't caught by surprise when i post. Aright, bye-bye<3)


	9. Winning back old habits

From the other room the sounds of Chiaki streaming were heard. Hajime’s room was dark. All he wanted more than anything was sleep. Maybe everything would be different when he woke up. But his brain wouldn’t let him. Or better, his heart. Nagito never showed up to the dinner, neither did he answer his text. Less than a day and he already missed him. His friends tried to make him feel better. When he met with Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi they did their best to cheer him up. Soda kept changing from “You’ll get back together.” to “I’ll get you a better guy! I know loads of people from phycology”. It was a nice sentiment, but the wrong one. Hajime didn’t want to feel better. 

-You’re so stupid, Hajime.

He whispering to himself and to his pillow. Deep down, he thought he deserved that. He hadn’t been the best of boyfriends. Being alone should be the best option for him. Now that he was calmer, he could see that the reason Nagito gave him for the break up was a lie. But what good did it bring him knowing that? He wouldn’t bring that up to Nagito. Whatever reason he had he didn’t want to tell him, so he wouldn’t push it. “It’s better this way” he tried to convince himself. He couldn’t hurt Nagito that way. Still, it was sad. Nagito’s curse acted up once again. Hajime did get hurt and he did leave.

He turned around, covering his head with his sheets. It was funny. Two days prior he was falling asleep with the love of his life wrapped around his arms. Now he couldn’t fall asleep at all. Chiaki finished her stream. Silence poisoned his mind.

• 

It was cold outside. Nagito could see the condensation leave his mouth when he spoke. Mukuro couldn’t see hers. She had pulled him aside and Junko allowed her. She had friends waiting inside anyway. A phone shoved to his face. Something written in the note’s application.

“What are you doing here!?”

They sat down near broken bear bottles and half-done cigarettes. Nagito explained his situation and she calmed down. It was incredibly painful to see her again and yet, his heart warmed a little. Not every ghost from his past came to haunt him.

-How have you been?

She grabbed her phone and quickly typed her answer. He felt bad making her write everything down. He felt even worse when he remembered why she had to.

“Good. How about you?”

-Same as always.

“So, horrible?”

-Ha. Yeah, sort of.

“How long have you been out for?”

-Three years. I’m in college now.

“That’s good.”

Silence returned. There were so many things he wanted to tell her. So many questions. Why she didn’t join the military. If she still felt pain. If she hated him. Why she still did the thinks Junko made her do. And she sure had some questions as well because she was typing something again.

“Why are you back to being Junko’s slave?”

-I guess that’s what I should be called. – he stuffed his hands in his pockets, unsure if the cold was the real reason for his trembling – I don’t have many things left. I want to protect those that I still do. Maybe that’s how I win against her.

“You don’t have to be a martyr”

-I’m not good for anything else. – she didn’t reply. Maybe she agreed. Nagito was doomed from birth. Maybe dying for those he loved was the only thing he could do now – Mukuro… do you hate me?

She typed her answer and deleted it just as fast. An advantage of writing your thoughts down is that you have time to filter them.

“I don’t hate you. It was an accident. But I do wish it hadn’t happened.”

-If we could go back… would you change having met me?

“I would have changed my dedication to Junko’s madness. But it’s too late for that for us.”

He didn’t understand if that “us” was referring to the two sister or him and Mukuro. He didn’t want to find out. He didn’t think all of his classes could ever help him figure out Junko Enoshima. Figure out why she was so cruel. Was it pure sadism? Was it a defense mechanism against trauma? Was it something completely new in the world of psychoanalysis? A paper on her would be fun to read but impossible to write. 

Speaking of the devil she appeared. Mukuro hid her phone and stood up. Nagito didn’t follow. 

-Alright! Enough of the chit-chat. I gave you plenty of time but I came here to torture Komaeda. Stand up and let’s get you drunk.

It was starting. The point of no return. If Nagito stood up now he would revert to being Junko’s toy. All the progress he had done until that point would have been for nothing. But if he didn’t, Hajime would lose his job and hate him forever. Hard decisions to make in a small frame of time but he didn’t need much. He got up. As things were now, he couldn’t have Hajime but could at least pretend he did. He knew he was safe and soon would be happy again. The hope that Junko would be too distracted with him to hurt anyone else kept him going. That’s how he won against her. By wasting her time. Nagito had ruin himself for less.

Junko smiled eagerly. Life had never been as rewarding. She dragged them both inside. Her reign prospered. 

• 

-We should do something fun for your vacation!

-Chiaki, I’m planning on just staying home for the time being.

It was extremely easy to see through Chiaki’s act. She was way more energetic than normal. It was almost unsettling. 

-Oh, come on! That’s boring. We should go on a road trip.

-Chiaki, you hate road trips. Also, could you calm down a bit? I know what you’re doing. I’m a grown man, I don’t need you to cheer me up.

He might have raised his voice but didn’t apologize. He had barely slept and was tired. Every time his eyes closed Nagito appeared. And he would be kissing him, and holding him, and they would be laughing or simply just looking at each other… like they used to. Not the way Nagito looked at him the last time they saw each other. The disgust. Hatred. Perhaps his mind was simply trying to make him feel better. If Freud could analyze him, he would say he was in denial and displacing. He would answer that thinking about being in denial and displacing was actually rationalization or intellectualization. Freud would then say that their conversation was proof that he was projecting. And then Hajime would punch him because he hated him and his theory. “Good, Hajime, distract yourself with phycology so you don’t have to face the fact that you’re sad.”.

Chiaki talked again, in her normal tone, but clearly a little angry at the way Hajime lashed out:

-I’m your friend, Hajime. I’m sorry if I don’t like to see you sad.

She returned to her room. Hajime knew he deserved to hear that. He didn’t want to bring his friends down with him. He followed Chiaki.

-Hey, why don’t we go out today for lunch? I’ll buy you that new game you’ve been eyeing at the game stop.

She smiled. Hajime would get better. That wasn’t the end of the world. Besides, something was very off about Nagito. That behavior… was too sudden. She knew what she had to do. After their date Chiaki left Hajime and went to pay Nagito a visit.

• 

When you’re not used to drinking even the smallest amount of alcohol will give you a hangover. Nagito had to relearn that the hard way. He hadn’t drunk everything Junko gave him of course. He wouldn’t go to the hospital because of her again. Besides, pretending to have shots wasn’t all that hard. He had gotten just a bit too tipsy, however, and that showed in a horrible headache in the morning. Junko, of course, looked amazing. Not only was she used to drinking she didn’t have that much. Kind of hard to watch him suffer if drunk. She knocked on his door a little after noon.

-Good, you’re wake!

She sprinted past him and jumped on his couch. Something twisted inside him. How dare she stain his home? That was the place Hajime promised to never leave him. It held good memories! Memories Junko was more than willing to tarnish. He controlled himself to not say anything stupid and stayed quiet.

-I’d recommend coffee. 

-Funny, I didn’t ask.

-Feisty today, aren’t we? – she didn’t sound mad, far too aware she would have her fun later – Did you have fun yesterday? 

He would have given her a dirty look if he could look at her… at all. The previous night had been one of the most painful ones he experienced in a long while. Nightmares were one thing, when he woke up, he knew they weren’t real. But that? That was all real. All the people around him could hurt him and they all did. Blaming them was to cruel of course, they didn’t know they bared the face of his abuser when they pulled him to the dance floor. But they did, and it was the scariest thing they could do to him. Nagito could have sworn he dehydrated by how much he cried in a mist of a panic attack when he got home. 

-Sure, keep quiet. See if I care. Anyway, I have work tomorrow, so no clubbing today. However, you no longer have work so I’ll have Mukuro take you.

-Our agreement is that you can do what you want to me. Mukuro isn’t part of this.

-You forget she’s my other favorite toy. Think of it as babysitting. Besides, I don’t even understand why you don’t enjoy this!? Clubbing? And I’m paying? It’s almost funny how you see this as “torture” – she gestured with her fingers – Is it because you have school, because I think you should drop out.

-Dropping out also isn’t part of our arrangement.

-Oh no, you misunderstand me. I’m not telling you to. I was just wondering why take this degree? I mean, no one is going to hire you? I can’t see a clinic employing a criminal or a tribunal? It’s useless.

She was right to a certain degree. He hadn’t yet stop to consider how he would use that degree. “Stop it!”. That thought process was exactly what she wanted. Plant doubt on his head. He wouldn’t let her. He had said so already.

A knock on the door. Nagito walked to it but Junko stopped him, touching her finger to her lips and listening closely to the door. A feminine voice was heard from the hall.

-Nagito? Can you open the door? I know you’re in there.

Nagito recognized the owner of the voice immediately: Chiaki. What she be doing there he didn’t know but he did know he had to make her leave. He wouldn’t let her fall prey as another one of Junko’s victims. 

-Wait in the living room.

-Junko, no, you can’t…

-Go, dog!

He turned around and faced his sofa without seating down. If prayer did anything, he would have prayed for Chiaki to not be hurt.

Junko open the door. Whoever that was they were a friend of Nagito and Junko loved to play with those. The girl she saw was short and chubby. Adorable to an extreme but also taken back by her presence. Cautiously, she spoke.

-Hi. Excuse me, is Nagito home?

-Who wants to know? – she responded, bluntly playing with her. 

-I’m his friend. I’m sorry, who are you?

-I’m also his friend. He’s going through a break up, you know? Came to give my support. He’s well, so you can leave…

-I’m not leaving until I talk to him.

-Or what?

-I’ll call the building security. With all due respect but I don’t know you and I’m worried about my friend. I won’t leave until I see him.

Junko twisted a smile. Persistent and caring. Forcing Nagito to watch her cry would be a beautiful show. She called him, like a farmer would call his pigs for dinner, and he basically ran to the door.

-Chiaki! - he guided her deeper into the hallway, closing the door with Junko inside his apartment as fast as he could – I’m sorry I didn’t come to the door. I was a little busy.

-It’s alright, Nagito, but… who’s that?

-A friend… - he hesitated before answering. Even if it was for Chiaki’s own good it hurt to lie to her or simply call Junko a “friend” - …from college. 

-Cool… - she didn’t buy it, but didn’t pursue the lie any further. Her objectives were different – I wanted to come check on you. See how you’re doing.

Nagito took a deep breath. Making Chiaki worry was against the point and completely useless. He shrugged it off.

-I’m the one who broke up with Hajime. You should be supporting him instead. 

-You’re my friend too, Nagito. 

“Friend”. It was tragic. The moment Nagito finally accepted Chiaki as a real friend he had to pretend to not like her. For now, Junko might have nothing on him to hurt her with but… she would manage. That was Junko’s talent: ruining lives.

-Thanks, Chiaki but… I’m good. – he turned around, to return to his apartment and hopefully kick Junko out but Chiaki stopped him.

-You know Nagito, Hajime might try to ignore it but… he knows you didn’t want to leave him. I know that too. And… I don’t know why you’re doing this but… I’m still here for you. If you need help with anything just come to me. I’m still your friend. You can come by. We can play games. 

-Thank you, Chiaki… - she looked sympathetic and desperate. Nagito pitted her hope in him - …but I won’t come by anymore.

The door closed. He couldn’t face that lost yet. He was still hunted pry. Junko was running her finger through his photos, admiring each one separately.

-She’s not photogenic. Chiaki, right? This polaroid has your names. What does she do?

-She’s a game tester. And she knows. – Junko was little surprised, raising her eyebrows as she removed the picture form the wall – Disappointed you can’t blackmail me?

She giggled to herself as she got close.

-Oh dear, Komaeda… - the picture was bought to his face and ripped in half, separating him from his friends - … I don’t need to blackmail you. - the paper fell to the floor and she strolled to the door – Mukuro will come pick you up.

When she was gone Nagito picked up the ripped memory from the wooden floor. A void grew bigger in his heart as the days went by… and it had only been a day. Those casual actions from Junko were becoming normal again. He taped the two pieces together and took down the rest of the photos. Junko would be back and he wouldn’t be as vulnerable. He placed them and all the things Hajime had given him in a cardboard box, except for the plushie. He had messily fixed the damage Junko had done to it and kept it hidden form her in the back of his closet. That he would keep close. He needed it to fell strong. He needed it if he was going to finally win over her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi, everyone! How are you? Did you like this chapter?
> 
> I just wanted to remind you all that - as the tags say - this fic HAS an happy ending. This isn't a forever breakup. I just wanted it to be a surprise. Besides: angst. 
> 
> I hope you all had a lovely halloween and that you stayed safe. Can wait to see you next week. Bye <3<3<3
> 
> P.S.: If you were curious about all those fancy psychological terms Hajime used I would recomend you watch this video on Defence Mechanisms. It's really interesting and it might help you figure yourself out a bit better. That is, if you are interested in psychology https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v80Nd8w1uts


	10. No angels of hope left

Mukuro didn’t really feel any big changes happen after she lost her voice. She didn’t talk that much before. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to; it was just that Junko would eat up entire conversations and leave no room for opinions. She didn’t have them anyway. For her whole life Junko had been her ruler. She did everything her sister told her. Why use your own head when there’s someone who will do it for you and better? 

Looking back, Mukuro wished she hadn’t let herself be so manipulated. Of course, she loved her sister, but she ruined her. That’s what she did anyway. Why was she surprised she destroyed her? Since they were little, she would watch Junko mess with bugs and small animals for fun. She didn’t kill them but confusing ants seemed to be her biggest hobby. And making Mukuro do the same things was just as a delight for her. As they grew older, Junko realized that hurting people was much more entertaining. She turned her friends into alcoholics, shaped her sister into a weapon. At least she kept her around. She wasn’t stupid. Someday, one of her toys could turn against her and she would need protection.

She remembered when they meet Nagito. 

-I think I’m going to kill him.

-Why?

-He’s been living alone since he was seven. I’m sure his parents hate him. It would be easy. – Mukuro side eyed her - Made our English teacher give me his papers. 

-Do you think you can get away with murder, Junko?

-Murder? Who said anything about murder? – she laughed as she got close to Mukuro – Suicide isn’t murder.

For the first time, Mukuro felt bad for one of Junko’s victims, especially because her sister was so good at what she did. She poised him through praise. Clapped when he hurt himself. Her master plan wasn’t supposed to turn up the way it did. The plan was to scare Nagito enough that he’d kill himself; so that Mukuro was left unharmed and ready to keep fighting. But in the end, the unexpected was what got Junko to the edge.

When she woke up, Junko was by her side.

-Bad news and slightly less bad news, sis. Bad news, you can’t talk. Like, forever. Nagito got to your vocal cords. But it’s cool, I already have a guy who offered to teach us sign language. You’ll be fine. – she spoke as if that was the most normal conversation one could have. Like her sister hadn’t been permanently injured because of her sick death games – The other bad news is that Nagito is still alive and can rat us out to the cops. But I’m pretty sure he won’t. Wouldn’t have ripped open his stomach if that was his intentions.

Mukuro was glad Nagito was alright but understood… it was too late for him. And her. In that moment she understood she was done for. Suspicions that were made clearer when she saw Nagito in the hospital. A broken man waiting painfully for his death. She had dreams that had to be thrown out of the window because Junko Enoshima made part of her life. She would never talk again because of her. But she didn’t have anything to say.

If she could go back, she would make herself stronger and resist Junko’s control… but she couldn’t. So she accepted her fate as a puppet. Nagito’s front door was painted white. White and bright as the future she once wished she had. She knocked once.

• 

Nagito was tired. Junko’s existence back in his life was exhausting. He didn’t want to leave his house. He wanted to stay in bed until some angel came get him. He shook those thoughts out of his head. He wouldn’t let himself die. Wouldn’t give Junko that pleasure. He heard the knock on his door and walked up to it. When had opening his door became scary? Mukuro wasn’t scary, he admitted when he saw her on the other side. Without taking her hands out of her pockets, and with clear disinterest in her task, she moved her head to tell him to follow her.

-Can you come in for a second? I need to finish something before we go.

She complied. Nagito pretended to be looking for a jacket on his sofa before gaining the courage to speak.

-Do you, maybe, want to stay here tonight? I mean, I doubt Junko would find out.

She shook her head and took out her phone to reply.

-You don’t have to write anything. I knew you would say that. – she kept typing – I just don’t get it. Me? Sure, I’m being blackmailed, but you? You could leave any moment. Obeying Junko doesn’t bring you anything. Why do you…

The screen was turned to him.

“I’m done for, Nagito. I’m no one anymore. If I leave Junko I’ll die. Now, let’s go.”

-You could at least try to start over! I tried! I was doing it! You have nothing that ties you to her! Is it blood? Your family relationship? – she stared at him with the same blank expression – Aren’t you going to type anything? Have you got nothing to say? – she shook her head. Nagito laughed. Laughed like he never had. A force from the bottom of his stomach, an anger he had never felt before, overpowered his self-control – You have everything! You could be free and you choose to be her slave!? I lost everything! I have no one left! If I could trade lives with yours I would! And still you have the guts to tell me you can’t leave! How dare you!? Mukuro, how… 

She stopped him form continuing. A small blade had been open on her palm. Nagito giggled when he saw it. She was showing him a new message.

“Your little speech won’t stop me, Nagito. I’m sorry if you were getting better but you should have known what would happen when you got close to Junko. I have a mission. You’re coming with me.”

He ignored the message and asked:

-Is that the same knife? – she gestured a “no” and mouthed the word “police” – Ah, yes, evidence. Should have figured. – he took a second to breath. Calm himself down before he continued – Are you going to behead me if I refuse to go?

Another no. He turned his back to her and grabbed his jacket before leaving with a quick pace. 

Mukuro followed him, making sure she locked his door correctly. He was speed walking in front of her, in the direction of the stairs and not elevator. She could hear faint sniffs coming from his direction. She signed him the words “I’m sorry”, knowing only his back could see her. She didn’t want to torture him. But if she didn’t, Junko would know. She always did. And when she discovered, she would hurt them both. Still, he was allowed his moments of weakness. At least one of them was.

• 

The club, as one would expect, was packed. Nagito was slowly getting use to that environment again, unfortunately. Oddly enough, Mukuro didn’t bother him that much. Gave him some money and told him, well, wrote him, to have fun. Didn’t make him dance, didn’t make him drink. After half an hour or so Nagito went looking for her, fearing that was some foolish rule Junko had given her to embarrass him even more. She was sitting in her car, headphones on. He sat next to her, but didn’t say anything. If he wasn’t allowed to be there, she would warn him… he guessed.

“Had your fun already?” – she wrote, removing her headphones.

-I wanted to come check on you.

“That’s sweat”

The inside of the car was cold and old. He remembered their school days. That had been Junko’s car back then. But back then, the seat covers weren’t ripped, the carpets hadn’t been that worn, and all the light still worked. He couldn’t imagine Junko driving that car as it was, which was maybe why Mukuro had it.

“I don’t want to hurt you” 

-Yeah, I know. – he said pulling her phone way from his face. 

“You don’t have to go back in. If we wait an hour more or so I can take you back home without it looking suspicious”

-Don’t want Junko knowing you’re merciful? – he asked, pretending that was a joke.

“I’m trying to help, Komaeda. I’m not my sister. I don’t want to torture you. But if I don’t pretend, she’ll hurt us both”.

After he finished reading, she blocked her phone, a sign the conversation was over. Nagito knew she was right. Now that he was calmer, he saw that if Mukuro didn’t take him there Junko would somehow discover. Still, something didn’t seat right with him. With a softer voice he asked:

-Mukuro… why don’t you leave. I’m not trying to start another argument but… I need to know.

She took a deep breath and started typing again. A longer text. An answer she hoped wouldn’t have to be repeated. When she was done, she passed him the phone instead of pointing it in his direction. Reading that would take some time.

“The only person who has ever been kind to me has been Junko. She’s cruel, sadistic and straight up evil but she’s my sister. And sure, maybe I was brainwashed by her but that doesn’t erase the fact that without her I'm nothing. I no longer have dreams. I can’t join the military anymore. I know I can leave Junko, and I know I would be better off without her, but I wouldn’t be anything then. It’s too late for me”

Deep down, Nagito understood. Afterall, whether he liked it or not, he had been lucky she got tired of him. For five years he got time to heal. He made connections. He got better. Mukuro didn’t have that time. While Nagito was in therapy Mukuro was learning sign language and helping Junko drug their teacher. She couldn’t leave now. Her phone returned to his face.

“Why don’t you leave?”

He let out a breathy laugh and looked down. 

-I told you already, didn’t I? I have people I have to protect.

“I don’t think that’s why”

-Why don’t I leave then? – he challenged her.

“You’re a coward and a liar.” He shot her a confused look and she type even further “You say you love this Hajime guy but you don’t trust him enough to tell him the things you have done”

-Because he would leave me if he knew. He’d hate me.

“You left him first. Have you stopped to think how he felt when you left him with a bad lie for an excuse? If he truly loves you then he won’t hate you” He took a moment to think and stop his eyes from watering.

-He’d still lose his job. And it would be because of me. 

“You don’t know that” 

-Well, I do! I do because I can never seem to do anything good for the people I love! I can never do things right. I… - his voice cracked. He had never told anyone how he felt on that subject. Maybe Mukuro was the perfect candidate. She was probably the only person who would actually understand him – I’m so tired of hurting the people I love. I embarrassed my family. I worry everyone… I hurt Hajime. He has done nothing but tried to help me and I told him he was worthless! I’m selfish and a coward, you’re right. I did it because I'm so afraid he’ll think I’m not who he thinks I am. I know I can never go back to him. Junko would never let me and I’ve lied to much. But I can still lie to myself and say he remembers me as a good person. I wasn’t made to be loved but… at least, I can try to leave a mark before I die. Even if it’s just holding Junko back for a month. I’d be doing something right… for the first time…

A hand rested on his shoulder. He didn’t bother turning his head to Mukuro. He didn’t want to talk anymore. All that talking just filled him with hope. He should have known there was no hope for him. Until that moment he still told himself there was a chance he could win against Junko. He was wrong. He could never go back to Hajime. Not after he lied to him. Not after he broke his heart.

All he could do now was silently protect him until Junko killed him.

Mukuro’s hand left him, a feeling he was so accustomed to. The car started. Soon he would be alone in his house again. His cold empty house. The white dog was waiting for him. Nagito didn’t reach for it. He didn’t want hope anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mukuro stans, come get ya'll food!!! 
> 
> Yes, I love her. Also, this last supernatural episode definitely didn't influence the naming of this chapter... at all... (GOD! what a trip that was, am I right fellas?!).
> 
> But coming back to this fic, did you guys like it? I sure do HOPE so... haha...ha...
> 
> Well, i got nothing else to say. Have a great week guys. And if you're american, good luck and be careful. Biden might have won but we all know Trump and his stupid "proud boys" are going to be a bunch of babies about lossing. Anyway, be safe everyone. Love you <3


	11. Are all dreams made of smoke?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: smoking, skeaping meals and emetophobia (really light stuff but watch out if you are highly grossed out by these things :))

-I’m worried about Nagito.

-Thank you, Chiaki, I’m completely fine.

She flashed Hajime a bored look. He could be so petty when he wanted to.

-You know exactly what I mean. This sudden change in character… It’s bothering me.

-Well, if it bothers you so much, why don’t you go talk to him. – he spited his words, a bit jealous. He was the one that got dumped after all.

They were doing the dishes. Chiaki managed to get Hajime to cook, make sure he kept his mind busy, and, maybe out of spite, he chose to do something that involved lots and lots of pans and plates.

-I went to his apartment, actually. That’s why I'm so concerned. – she stopped working for a second, considering if she should tell Hajime what she had seen, and settled for her answer – There was a woman there.

Hajime rose his eyebrow. A woman? Nagito didn’t have many friends outside of Chiaki and previously him. He also didn’t talk to his colleges a lot and didn’t seem close with the neighbors. Even though he didn’t want to care about Nagito’s life anymore that did tick off something in his brain. Something was definitely odd.

-When I tried to talk to him, she… tried to stop me? I don’t know how to describe it but she scared me. She gave off an unsettling aura, if that makes sense. She said she was a classmate, I believe. Do you know anything about this?

-I can’t say I do. – Hajime answered, accepting that, yes, he was worried for Nagito.

-Could you just check on him? If you see him that is. You have some days off so you might see him around here, in the building.

A sigh. A tornado played around Hajime’s thoughts and emotions. In one hand, he wanted to be as far away as possible from Nagito. In the other, he wanted to make sure he was alright. 

-I’ll talk to him if I see him. 

Chiaki landed her head on his shoulder. She knew Hajime cared. His heart, at least, still hadn’t accepted that Nagito no longer had to be a part of his life. Maybe it needed a reason for that. A valid reason. 

They finished the task at hands and Chiaki handed him a trash bag.

-I don’t care that you’re depressed. You made a mess you get rid of it. – she said before disappearing into her room.

The clock displayed the time. Ten p.m. It was late. He put on a jacket and headed out. He was on the mood for elevator music. The doors closed. The elevator, unlike the rest of the building, was rather old and slow. He dropped the bag on the corner and folded his arms not thinking about anything in particular and trying his best not to think of Nagito.

One floor down and the doors open again, ready to surprise him even further.

-Oh! I’ll take the next one.

-No, no! It’s alright! You can come in! – Hajime almost shouted on instinct.

Nagito had jumped when he saw him. Destiny kept playing with him. With precaution he walked to stand awkwardly at Hajime’s side.

-This things are slow, anyhow. – Hajime said to cut the tension when the door closed, and to seem less desperate to be next to him.

In did, they were. So slow, Nagito was already dreading the trip down all those floors, fighting the urge to look at Hajime. Maybe he died. That would be a good way for him to be brought to hell.

Another floor. Hajime knew he had to talk. Say something. If not with other intentions at least so he couldn’t blame himself later for not trying. 

-So… where’re you going this late?

Nagito seemed surprised with the question. He shrugged and moved his head even further way from Hajime’s gaze.

-A club… a friend of mine… asked me out.

He nodded, comprehensive. Not that he comprehended anything actually. He knew Nagito hated partied and had few friends, but pressing that question was useless. Nagito wouldn’t give him a straight answer anyway. 

The number of floors displayed was still below what any of them would wish for. The air was suffocating in that elevator. Hajime’s guilt for not saying more and Nagito’s distant eyes placed a great weigh on them. Pressured by said guilt, Hajime finally spoke in a rushed voice:

-Chiaki is worried about you.

At first, Hajime thought he spoke too fast. Nagito didn’t react but he did straightedge his neck. He was ready to repeat himself at a big cost when he heard a chuckle. No… A sob? Whatever it was it was gone as quickly as it appeared and he got another upsetting answer:

-That’s very kind of her but she doesn’t have to worry about me.

-That’s not how it works. She’s your friend. You are going through some stuff. It’s obvious she would care.

-Well, I don’t want her to. – It wasn’t an order. More of a sad plead. Hajime’s heart stopped for a moment. He wanted so badly to help but he didn’t know how and still wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. 

The doors opened and Nagito walked out in hurry. Possessed by some strange force in his heart, and scared of seeing Nagito leave him once more, he yelled at him from the inside of the elevator still:

-I’m also worried… about you… and if you need anything, and I mean anything at all… you can come to me.

Nagito’s name wouldn’t leave his lips. He wanted to call him by his name but something sopped him. Fear that the image he saw in front of him would become real, maybe. Nagito stopped walking. Hope grew inside Hajime’s chest that he would turn around and come to him… but he didn’t. His feet started working again and Nagito was soon gone out of the door.

He didn’t turn around. If he did, Hajime would have seen his teary eyes. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from running to him. If he did… he would have signed his own destructing. 

• 

Winter was Junko’s least favorite season. It was cold, and it would rain and snow. Clubs would close and she would sometimes get a runny nose. Yes, she had her hobby, but even that would-be put-on hold if she couldn’t leave for work because of a storm. Thankfully, winter in the city was simply… freezing. She knew Nagito loved the cold. Ever since school his eyes would get a special glow during that time of the year. He would come up with some stupid excuse such as “the cold is a good type of unpredictable” but in all reality he just didn’t like summer because he was paler than a cadaver. Oh, and because he always associated summer with his parents abandoning him. Junko loved that story. And how easy it was to make Nagito tell it! Understanding him became much easier after that. Of course, she didn’t know everything yet. For example, she didn’t really know if he really liked the cold.

But that was a problem for later. Right now, she had to figure out new fun ways to torture him. Getting him drunk just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Ah yes, cutting! She could make him harm himself, but would that still be as exciting as it was when they were teens? And there was the girl. Chiaki… what could she do with her? She could make Nagito run her over, that would be funny, but she doubted Nagito knew how to drive. She could run him over instead! But then she would have to pay the hospital bills and that wouldn’t be good. All this thinking was what left Junko excited! She had very few ideas she could actually put into practice and the idea that she was wasting Nagito’s entertaining abilities was despair inducing to the max! Just like she liked it.

Time’s up, however. She heard light steps behind her and when she turned around, she saw him.

-Oh good, you’re here! Have you been crying?

-None of your business.

-Alright, alright, whatever you say. – she mocked handing him a small package – Here.

-I don’t smoke.

-You do now! Congratulations. I want that pack done by the end of the night.

-There are twenty cigarettes in here!

-That’s a whole day of your life gone! You should be happy really, with how depressed you look. 

-Where’s Mukuro? 

-None of your business. – she dropped a lighter on the floor. – I’ll come check on you in a minute. If you throw any of them out, I will know.

She went in. The club was playing a very generic electronic song. He sat on the dirty floor and grabbed the package. He should try one and wait for Junko to show up. He knew she would want to see the full show. He just had to get ready. Ready for the smoke and ready for her. 

• 

It became clear when Nagito got home that cigarettes weren’t his thing. He hadn’t even finished the pack and as soon as he got to his apartment the first thing he did was throw up. He didn’t even understand how that could have made him sick but it did. One in and all he could do was cough, an action that didn’t stop Junko from making him do more while giggling. As he was starting to get used to it, she got a call. Her boss, she justified. No details were given to him but he suspected it must have been something important because she cut his torture session earlier and left him.

Sitting on his bathroom floor, Nagito felt completely disoriented. He didn’t know why he still felt sick after throwing up; he didn’t know how to make himself feel better; he didn’t know if he deserved to feel better and he didn’t know what to do generally. 

He let himself stay for an hour or so on the floor, staring at the toilet’s water. His mind drifted to a different time. An imaginary one. In that scenario Hajime held his hair back while he was sick and got him a blanket when he shivered. In that scenario… he was happy. 

Somehow, he managed to clean himself up and get to his bed, but with no energies to cover himself up. It was a cold night. The brief thought that he would get a cold passed through his head but he discarded it quickly. He probably deserved the cold for all the lies he had told Hajime. For how weak he was against Junko.

He fell asleep convinced of this reality unaware that one floor above him Hajime wasn’t able to rest for a second knowing he was failing him. 

• 

Only the headache could remind Nagito of the previous night. A bizarre buzzing nagged at his ear. He skipped breakfast. At this point he didn’t know what day of the week it was or if he had classes, but either way, he wasn’t going. He was so tired. Still, he opened his laptop, convinced his teachers would have sent him work to do. Something that would distract him from the pain. From the despair. 

A new email popped up on the screen. His exam results. Finally, something that might cheer him up. Something to keep him going for a little longer. He clicked on the source and waited for the information to load, the faintest of chimeres on his eyes. The number was displayed and… 

… he failed? He failed his exam? No… That couldn’t be. He worked so hard. He had studied night and day! Hajime had helped him prepare! He… failed anyway? The computer fell from his hands. Nagito couldn’t help but to laugh. He found it hilarious how his life just kept finding new ways to put him down. But he should have seen that coming. After the best three months of his life of course karma had to take away his happiness! He didn’t deserve! All this time, his good grades, his progress? Luck! It was all he was! Lucky! 

His chuckles turned into silent cries. The last thing he needed right now would be a noise complain, although he could probably get one for breathing. Shaking, he grabbed his laptop from the floor. Junko was right. What would he do with a college degree? He wasn’t even going to live that long! When Junko got tired of him, he would have no other purpose and no one to go back to. He had been avoiding the idea until now but maybe it was time to face it: when he could no longer stop Junko, he should kill himself. Until then he was just wasting his parent’s money and his teacher’s time. He wiped his tears and grabbed his phone. It was truly pathetic how slowly he was relearning that he was worthless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO AGAIN EVERYONE!!!
> 
> How are you all doing? Good I hope.
> 
> Well, I hope you liked this chapter. I had a lot of fun writting it (you know, making the boys suffer is always fun). Also, I just realized i have been wrinting the word "sitting" wrong this all time sooooo... if you saw the spealing "Seating" in the previous chapter just know i meant "sitting". Also, I also just know realized i surpassed the word count of my last fic and I'm really happy.
> 
> Anyway, enough with wasting time. If you read all of this note... thank you, I love you, have my heart <3 
> 
> See you next week!


	12. It’s dark (and you are so far way)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: drugs (they won't be done but they show up); body horror (description of a drem)

It was a little after noon when Hajime woke up. One week had passed since his break up. His sleep schedule was torn. Ever since his conversation with Nagito in the elevator he had been down, or better, downer than usual. He got up and tried to shake those memories out of his head. Chiaki wasn’t home today… he could have an unhealthy pre-made meal. As he sat down his phone ringed. Soda, he read.

-Hey, Kaz. – he answered with a sleep drunk voice.

-DUDE! Did you tell Nagito anything stupid!?

He was taken back. Did he want to know what he had told him yesterday? It wasn’t anything… bad? Was it?

-I… I don’t know? Kaz, what are you talking about? – he blurred out. 

-He quit! Dropped out of college! I was talking to one of his teacher’s and they told me. 

-Kaz, I’ll call you back.

Something twisted in his stomach. Was it guilt? Had he made him drop out? No, he couldn’t. Guided by some bigger force he started walking. He left his apartment, went down his building stairs, not realizing where exactly he was going until his hand was already knocking on Nagito’s door. 

It took a little for the door to open but Hajime just couldn’t run… physically. His legs stopped him from cowering. When Nagito opened the door, he was miserable. His hair was undone, his skin was paler than usual. His faded lips made Hajime want to get closer and kiss him, a thought that made him question if he was in the right headspace to be talking to Nagito. His eyes, however, gained a bit of light as they saw Hajime stand in front of him, a light that was quickly gone and replaced with confusion.

-Hajime?

-Oh, hey! How are you?

-Hajime, what do you want? – he interrupted him in distress, unpleased with the pathetic small talk. Hajime didn’t know how to answer. Technically he knew he had nothing to do with his situation. They weren’t dating anymore. But he had to know. He had to now it wasn’t his fault. “Selfish” 

-I… wanted to know how you were? How school was going.

Nagito stepped back, visible shaken.

-Why do you want to know? – Hajime wasn’t given time to explain – It doesn’t matter! It’s none of your business. You need to go.

-Nagito, wait…

Back to zero. The door shoved to his face. It was funny how quiet those hallways were. Nothing to distract him with. He stared at the floor. The cold metal of keys fiddling between his fingers served as a reminder: he still had them. Nagito’s keys. He didn’t need them anymore. Nagito didn’t want him close, clearly. He shouldn’t be coming by anymore. Passively, he crouched down and hid them under his rug. He stumbled back to his home and found his food cold. He wasn’t hungry but he ate, fearing Chiaki would be mad at him for skipping meals. It also took his mind off of Nagito.

• 

“Are you not going to do it?”

The brightness form Mukuro’s phone woke Nagito up from his trance. The entire day he felt an empty space grow inside his chest. He didn’t have his job anymore; he didn’t have school anymore; Hajime was clearly worried for him but he couldn’t have him anyway. Basically, he had nothing to make him keep going, that is, besides stalling Junko. But what good was that making? She was already noticing Mukuro didn’t make him suffer that much so it was only a matter of days before she got bored of him. And there was Hajime of course. He was still worried. Why couldn’t he let him go? Why did he ask him into the elevator? Why did he go check on him? If he couldn’t forget him like Nagito once thought then he was just hurting him more.

His eyes focused once more on the white powder in front of him. Junko had found some pretty boy on the dance floor and instructed Mukuro to teach Nagito how to do coke. His classroom was a dirty bathroom. The doors were thin. He could hear the bad music playing from the other side. 

-No, I am, give me a second.

She stopped him from leaning down to the sinks and got back to writing.

“You know I don’t care. If you don’t want to do it: don’t.”

-And then Junko will know.

She shot him a deadly look and picked up her phone again, annoyed.

“I know how to be careful” 

-Oh really? Indulge me then. – he told her, knowing fully well there was no way to ever outsmart Junko.

She took the challenge. After turning her jacket’s sleeve outside-out she wiped the line from the counter, smudging some crumbs around with her finger in hopes of making the scene more convincing. Truth be told, when she reverted her sleeve to its normal position you could not see the drug. But it wasn’t enough.

-Do you really think she will fall for that? – he ironized.

The answer he got back was a simple shrug and a smug look. Ready to ask for another line, since he couldn’t do them himself, Junko busted through the door. Slightly drunker then when they left her and with smudged makeup, but still holding her posture perfectly.

-So! Has he done it yet… wait a minute. He looks normal. – she pointed out, speaking as if the situation was the most entertaining thing she had experienced in a while.

Mukuro signed her sister an answer and Junko answered with the same methods. Obviously, Nagito wasn’t welcomed into that conversation, which was frustrating because something told him he just got Mukuro in trouble. After some back and forward Junko stepped closer to him holding once more his face to hers, forcing some dreadful eye contact.

-Nevermind then! I always have a backup. And besides, I need to prepare for the grand finale. Let’s go!

She dragged him outside the bathroom, leaving an angry Mukuro behind. Nagito let himself be taken, still processing what she could possibly mean by “grand finale”.

In the end, Nagito didn’t do any cocaine, but Junko did make him eat a suspicious mold off the bar counter that clearly wasn’t cleaned often. Whatever it was it made him vomit behind the club later, while Junko laughed. Nothing disgusted that woman. 

When he got home, he laid wake in bed. He didn’t cry because he no longer had the energy to do so but he didn’t sleep either. It felt so underserving to rest. The sun was coming up. It was Sunday. Some time ago he would have been so happy to wake up. Sunday was date day. Now, he just dreaded everything. Still, against his will, his brain lifted him memories from an afternoon with Hajime and he couldn’t help but to fall asleep, with a faint smile forming on his tired face. 

• 

The purpose of a holiday was, in theory, to allow someone to rest and take one’s mind off work. For Hajime, however, this holiday was being used to do more work. He had several books on morality already but he was still going to library as frequently as he could. Just to read, definitely not to feel closer to an out-of-reach of Nagito. Alright, a little of that too, but reading was fun! Morality fell more on philosophy then phycology and that was his real obsession. 

Chiaki was worried at first. Seeing Hajime stay up late into the night to write papers wasn’t exactly healthy. But it did make him happy and that’s what mattered. Anything to distract him from his broken heart. And besides, she didn’t want an android with no concept of morality to be brought into society, so in the end, Hajime’s sleep sacrifice was worth it. 

Hajime had only two more days off. She still hadn’t wrapped her mind around the idea that he wouldn’t be working with Nagito anymore. She wondered how he felt. It was true he was used to working alone but he hadn’t tried having help before. Would he get a new assistant? Should she suggest that? Would it not be the same as it was with Nagito? It was difficult to say. Maybe missing him didn’t apply to his work or maybe it would make it so much worse. Thankfully he still had his friends. Just earlier he had meet with Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi at their local café. He still worked in the same room as Akane, Mikan and Nekomaru, and if she knew anything about them, it was that they wouldn’t let him be blue for even a second. He had her, Chiaki, of course and a great boss. Hajime wasn’t alone and she was sure he would get through that.

Nagito didn’t have that. Nagito had isolated himself again. He had no friends left. Well, except for that mysterious creature Chiaki and met, but whoever she was, she was sure they weren’t “friends”. Unfortunately, Chiaki didn’t know what to do. She feared she would scare Nagito even more if she pressured him even more to let her help him and she couldn’t analyze him as well as Hajime… and Hajime wasn’t trying to. Not that she could blame him. 

In the end, she was completely lost. She felt useless and like a terrible friend. Hajime noticed her turmoil and lifted his eyes from his paper.

-If you’re worried about Nagito, Fuyuhiko told me he could set him up with one of his therapist friends that was just relocated to his hospital. If we can even talk to him that is.

She turned her head from the TV, that she wasn’t paying attention to anyway, to face him.

-So, you do care.

-Of course I do. – he sighted – But I can’t… I don’t want to. – he expected Chiaki to interrupt him there but she didn’t. She just kept piercing him with curious eyes. So he continued – He quit the project, something he loved more than himself most likely. He dropped out of college when he was doing the best. He won’t look at me. I… At first, I thought he lied because he didn’t want to tell me he just didn’t love me anymore but now… I think there’s something else behind his actions. And it’s eating me up not to know how to help… if he would even accept that.

-Why don’t you just go talk to him.

-I told you he doesn’t want to see me.

-I disagree. I think you are the only person he wants to see. But I also think he won’t allow himself to be with you.

He smiled softly and got up, getting close enough to pat Chiaki on the head.

-You don’t give yourself enough credit.

He went into his room, leaving his papers disorganized on their living room table. Chiaki shook her head lovingly and got up. She also had to sleep and now that she got Hajime closer to go talk to Nagito she would rest better than ever. 

• 

The void ate him. A claustrophobic black light surrounded him whole and crushed his body. Nagito couldn’t move his arms or legs and couldn’t see anything in front of him. He was truly alone.

From a distance he saw a silhouette. Someone approached him. It felt like an eternity for the figure to reach him but when its hands finally met his face, all fear abandoned him. Hajime was slowly kissing him, and every time their lips gently touched the dark power that brought him down dissipated a little. He closed his eyes to fully appreciate such miracle, although it pained him to stop looking at his eyes. They were so close again, after so long.

A chill ran through his spine. He shivered and opened his eyes. As his eyelids lifted so did the contact their bodies had until now. The person that now stood in front of him wasn’t Hajime. A rotten corpse with long pigtails smiled. The cadaver’s eyes were missing and its throat was slashed. Thick dark blood dripped from its mouths and broken skin. Something held him in place again, stopping him from running. His chest raised higher with every breath and came to a halted stop when the body’s long nailed fingers pierced through his stomach. He remembered the pain he felt all those year ago but didn’t feel it take over him.

Nagito woke up in a cold sweat, suffocated on his sheets. He didn’t know why he kept being surprised by his recuring nightmares. He had them every day. But they would soon be over. Still it was good to know his brain still had the capability to make up new terrifying scenarios every night. 

Junko promised him she had great things planed for their evening. He had to get ready. She was getting fed up. He didn’t have much time left, but was determined to make it as long as possible. After many hours of staring only at his ceiling he got up. That was Hajime’s last day off, he remembered. “I can’t ruin this day for him, too”, the weakest voice on his head told him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, the first scene i ever thought for this fic was the first scene you just read. Hajime and Nagito talking about collegue. Been a while since then ain't it guys? 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm really excited for what's coming next!!! 
> 
> Have a great week, guys. Stay safe :)


	13. Those who bear it and those who don’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: sexual assault; alcohol consumption; hallucinations and body horror (same as the nightmare from the last chapter); suicide mention

Junko Enoshima was a smart, ambitious woman, but she was also a sadist. She had studied Nagito Komaeda over the years just so she could better know how to hurt him. Of course, hurting him wasn’t her endgame, not at all, but it served as a good enough distraction. Because at the end of the day that’s all he was. A fun distraction. Free entertainment. A broken toy to be used.

But all toys have an expiration date, believe it or not, and Komaeda’s was fast approaching. He no longer venerated her or fought back. It was getting kind of boring watching him perform his pathetic self-destructive acts. Yes, because it felt like he no longer did that to protect his stupid Hajime but to forget. So, if getting him drunk and public embarrassment weren’t doing the trick anymore, she would have to go all in to punish him one last time.

The thing Nagito Komaeda feared the most was intimacy. Be it physical or emotional. And although Junko would never sink that low, she had plenty of friends who would. And she guessed that if what she had planned didn’t work on its own, at least tarnishing his memories would satisfy her.

She didn’t bring Mukuro with her to the club. Her sister, unfortunately, was merciful and not yet despair fueled. Maybe if it wasn’t for her sparing Komaeda so many time she wouldn’t have to be throwing him out now. But alas, she would never know. Not that it mattered. She knew what his next step would be and she was starting to miss funerals. Still, not wanting Mukuro around for her masterpiece meant she had to pick up the trash herself. That night was the night she set out to make true her goal from all those years ago: to kill Nagito Komaeda.

She made him seat in the front of her car. He seemed to be so distant. There were no nervous movements around her, just a feeling of dread surrounding him. “Boring”. She turned up her music.

-Getting you ready for noise. I’m taking you to a new club, tonight. Out of town, baby! – he sighted, turning his head to the window – Fine, don’t give me a reaction, you useless brat! 

He curved his back, making himself smaller. “Still so sensitive” she wanted to say, but considered that might motivate him to prove her wrong. They pulled up to what looked like an abandoned building turned disco. Junko handed him some bills and ordered him to get drunk. And that was the last thing he saw before she turned her back to him, leaving to go find some friends on the other side of the parking lot.

• 

He wasn’t drinking because Junko told him to. No, he was drinking because he wanted to be numb for the rest of the night. Besides, it didn’t matter if Junko turned him into an alcoholic. He was killing himself either way. 

He didn’t want to think about what Junko had planned for him, he didn’t want to think about why she left him alone, he didn’t want to think about the plan, he didn’t want to think about… Hajime…

He ordered another shot. With his money! He wanted nothing to do with Junko. Actually, he had already tossed her bills on the floor. Maybe some desperate soul would find them. He drank it all in a sip. Cursed be the day Junko taught him how to do that effortlessly.

Particular moments from his dream kept replaying in his head. Even worst, they were being mixed with memories. Memories that made him question why he was doing all that. Had he been sober, he would have questioned if holding back Junko was worth it. If his pain was worth it or if he had just accepted torture because it was all he had ever know. Thankfully for him, the booze was working.

But not working enough yet. When Junko taped his shoulder, he still felt the chill in his spine and the vibrations of the music in his bones. She yelled at him:

-Go to the woman’s bathroom. There’s someone I want you to meet. – the words came out from a wicked grin that promised no good.

He didn’t question such absurd order, or worried too much on what was about to happen, and went. There was considerably less noise inside the bathroom but a light buzz still nagged at his ear. He leaned against the dirty white tiles that made up the wall. The stalls were broken and the mirrors cracked. A perfect scenario for his personal doomsday. 

A woman came in. She was blushing hard and smiling like an idiot. Drunk, he figured. Before Nagito could even ask her who she was she stopped at the door laughing loudly.

-OH MY GOD! Are you Junko’s friend? Oh my GOD! You are cute. I didn’t believe it because e she’s a dirty liar, you know, hahaha, but you are pretty.

He wanted to protest but it was too late. As if possessed by something the girl lashed onto Nagito’s neck, holding her entire weight on him, and kissed him. Well, not a kiss, but a very disgusting and intruding saliva swap attempt. She was all up on him, moving her tongue but seemingly holding no control over the muscle. 

It all made sense to Nagito now. Junko’s last move was well thought. Fear is everyone’s weakness. The absolute terror that struck him as that girl touched him. The horror show that was somehow having her hands on his skin turn into Junko’s sharp nails scratching him; having her messy lips be processed by his brain as Junko’s; having her brown eyes suddenly turn blue.

He closed them. He held himself tight. He let that girl had her fun. If he survived that maybe Junko wouldn’t get rid of him yet. Maybe he didn’t have to die yet.

In no way did he blame that poor woman. The nameless girl was just another one of Junko’s victims who would either get rehab or end up in the gutter. But he didn’t want to be touched. He never let anyone touch him. Only Hajime could. But he wasn’t there to save him. He wouldn’t save someone like him.

“It’s okay”, “It’s okay”, “It’s okay!”, It’s OKAY”, It’s OKAY!”, “IT’S OKAY”, IT’S OKAY!”

But it wasn’t. She was too close. The wall against his back was so cold. The lights were too bright. It was too loud! The ringing in his ears was getting louder. The girl tasted of alcohol and cigarettes. He was crying and she probably noticed because while having her fun she laughed.

Nagito told himself he would be strong. He promised himself that. But the girl was getting too comfortable with him and her hands were reaching down on his body and everything was too overwhelming because… that was Junko! That was Junko he was felling pressed against his body. And if he didn’t want to die before that sure made him now.

A snap. He pushed her way. Trembling he grabbed his face, wiping everyplace she touched as if with the intention of ripping his own skin off.

-Dude! What the hell? Junko said you were down… - she moaned and he made the mistake of looking at her.

Junko. A distorted, terrifying Junko was the creature facing him. The same cadaver from his nightmare. He ran outside. He had to leave that agonizing bathroom. But outside the spectacle that awaited him was worse than anything he had ever experience. Not even his blurry eyes could stop him from seeing that same disfigured face on every attendant of the club. He ran, or better, he tried to run, because the place was packed. Or maybe he was also hallucinating that. People hitting him on his path, drinks splash around, but no exit. It was then a hand stopped him on his tracks.

-Gave up so soon, huh?

The devil was questioning him and as best as he could, and scared of going to hell, he answered:

-I can’t… please… I… anything but that… Junko… I beg you… anything but that…

She didn’t reply, too busy staring him down with no amusement. He feared the answer he would get and waited patiently for his sentence.

-I no longer need you. Die.

Two sentences. That’s all it took to fully destroy Nagito Komaeda’s life. She walked past him, quickly reclaiming her joyful aura for her friends. Somehow, he found his way out. It was cold outside. So cold. And he was so lost. For the first time in the last two weeks he didn’t questions his next move. He just allowed his freezing hands do whatever they felt was right. 

• 

Ever since Sonia called him in the middle of the night, Hajime had gone to sleep with the sound on his phone on. He kept it that way in case anyone had an emergency and needed his help. He would have expected a call from Sonia about work or call from Soda just so he could rant about an anime he had finished late into the night, but there was someone he did not expect to receive a call from at one in the morning.

-Nagito? – he answered, still half asleep, but trying as much as possible to get conscious.

-Hajime? – it sounded like a question which worried him even more – I’m sorry, I must have woken you up… I… never mind…

-NO WAIT! I’m wake. I’m up. What’s going on?

-I’m just… - a big pause. Was he crying? Hajime could hear quiet sobs – I don’t know where I am. I don’t know how to get home. And I didn’t know who else to call.

-Wow, wow, wow! Calm down, Nagito. I’m here. It’s going to be alright. Tell me what you see. – he heard Nagito take a deep breath on the other side.

-I… I’m at a club near some woods. “Sunflower bar”. That’s the name. It written on neon yellow and it looks like an old factory. It has a big parking lot. I think I’m outside the city, but I'm not sure. I’m sorry…

-No, It’s okay. You’re doing great. I’m going to get you. Just stay on the phone, ok?

-Okay… - Nagito cried.

Hajime had never gotten ready so fast. In a second, he was wearing an old sweater and with his shoes on, ready to hit the road. 

-Alright, Nagito, I need you to find a place to seat down and stay calm. Remember to stay on the phone.

-Yes, I’ll…

The call was cut off. Nagito surely lost service or went out of power. “Damn it!”. Hajime basically ran to his car, making some horrid noises in his way to make sure he picked up some items. “Sorry, Chiaki.”, he thought, sure that must have woken her up.

The bar wasn’t hard to find. A quick google search and he knew exactly where he was needed. A 20-minute drive out of town was shorten down to a 10-minute drive thanks to the power of love and disrespect for streets signs and speed limits. The place was shady. Hajime drove cautiously around the parking lot, looking for unmistaken white hair. He found Nagito, seating on the floor, surrounded by broken glass, hugging his knees. He lifted his face when he saw the car pull up to him and gasped. That action must have been repulsive because he covered his mouth immediately after, opting for a calmer look as he approached the front door.

In fact, Nagito was embarrassed. Ashamed he made Hajime pick him up. He should have never called him. Still, a small part of his soul warmed up when Hajime carefully placed a hand on his shoulder. It stinged at first. Junko’s hands were still engraved on him. But he turned around and it was Hajime’s worried eyes that meet him. Was it selfish to be happy for Hajime worrying about him?

-Hey, how are you? Are you feeling sick, anything? – he shook his head – I brought you these.

He reached for the back seat of his car and Nagito instantly missed the warmth of his palm but what he showed him made up for that. A big green blanket and a sealed water bottle passed to his lap with so much affection.

-I figured you would be cold and tired so… I brought you these. I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries. 

-Thank you. – Nagito sniffed curling up to the fabric.

Hajime didn’t say anything else. Didn’t turn up the radio. Didn’t ask why he was where he was and what had happened. He just let Nagito rest against his window, protected by an old blanket.

This time, the trip was 20 minutes. Time enough for Nagito to calm down and dry his teary face. When they pulled up to the building Hajime helped him out, surprised he hadn’t fallen asleep.

Nagito open his door and moved to take off the blanket of his shoulders.

-No, no. It’s fine. You can keep it for tonight. I don’t mind.

Taken back by the offer, Nagito wrapped himself tighter around the green sheet. Hajime smiled at him and turned around to leave.

-Wait. Do you… want to come in?

Hajime stared beyond his eyes. Sympathetic and kind. If he let his heart run wild, he would have taken the invitation. He would have gone in and brew tea. He would have held Nagito in his arms and forgotten said tea. He would erase those last two weeks and sleep with Nagito within his reach… but that wouldn’t solve anything. Repeating that night wasn’t a solution and sooner or later his heart would be broken again. His brain knew that. Nagito was borderline drunk and couldn’t think properly. Hajime was tired and didn’t want to hurt them further. He had to decline. For the hope of a brighter future he had to leave him alone just this once.

-No, thank you. I go back to work tomorrow so I should get some sleep. Goodnight, Nagito.

He didn’t answer. Hajime went up to his apartment and Nagito wandered in the dark until he collapsed in bed. For a fragment of a second something told him that if Hajime had followed him inside, he would have told him everything. He would take it as a sign. But he didn’t. 

It was better that way. Hajime was forgetting him. He could die in peace knowing he was happy. That’s What Nagito wanted, right? He pulled the plushie to his lap. That could possibly be his last night breathing. He deserved to cry holding a good memory. He deserved to be just that little selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi, my people! How are you all doing?
> 
> So, little announcment. My life is pretty chaotic right now and i'm just not in the right headspace to write. With that said, I am not dropping this fic forever (I promised myself that) but there won't be any chapter next week. I need to plan some things out and with the ending so close, I really don't want to disapoint. 
> 
> As a reward, however, I can say that thenext chapter (that will be posted in two weeks) will be very interesting. Let's just say that the Kamukura project advanced a lot during Hajime's two week vacation.
> 
> Anyway guys, see you later. Have some fantastic two weeks. Love you all <3<3<3


	14. The Android and the College boy (pt.2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm; suicide 
> 
> Callback chapter title B-) LETS GOOOOO

Something was definitely off. So off Hajime had spent the whole night with a bothering itch on the back of his brain. In a way, he was sure that giving Nagito time was the right thing to do, but something told him he had just made a horrible mistake. Nagito was unstable, he shouldn’t have left him. And he was clearly drunk to top it all off! How stupid could he actually be?

He was back to his office. Work life was starting again. Normally he would hate having to go back because he hated his job. But now? He just hated it because he was completely lost. He couldn’t focus on his writing and whenever he looked around he saw the places where Nagito had once stood on. And then he would worry about him. And then he would grab his face and hold himself back from screaming. He was in the process of going through this cycle when a strong hand smacked the back of his neck.

-What are you so down for? – Nekomaru yelled at him.

-I’m just not feeling it today.

-Do you want me to ask Mikan give you some of those pills for the depressed?

-That’s not how antidepressants work. – he laughed.

-Figured out what’s wrong with him yet? – shouted Akane from the machine she was strapped to on the other side of the room.

-Not yet!

-Look, guys, I’m fine. Just a little down, that’s all.

-Do you n-need anything? A a-aspirin, some-e water? – chimed in Mikan.

-No, thank you. I’m fine. Seriously. 

Towards that annoyed statement his friends went back to their work. Good. Now he could be pissed off at someone else besides himself and get his work started. He didn’t. Sonia entered their work place and, in a somewhat cautious manner, approached him.

-Hey. How are you? Exited to be back?

-Yes, very. – he lied – I actually already started working. I did some writing back home. Moral really is one of my favorite subjects. – that wasn’t a lie. Yesterday he was excited to work. Today he was excited to go back to his room and sleep.

-Hajime, you were on a holiday! You didn’t have to work.

-I know, I know but… I had to distract myself. – she gave him an understanding look. Sonia knew very well how troubling love was. 

-I’ll have to make Chiaki put you on a leash next time you take time off. – she joked – But checking on your work isn’t the only reason why I came here.

Her eyes sparkled and her lips couldn’t contain a smile. Hajime was caught off guard by her change of attitude. Still, her energy seemed contained, but if provoked, she might just blow up from happiness right there in front of him. She took a deep breath, got closer to him, and whispered:

-He’s alive.

His jaw dropped and his eyes widened. Could it be? He was gone for two weeks. Did they do that much progress in two week? Immediately his brain connected the dots. Izuru Kamukura, their master piece, was finally functional.

-No… - he whispered back, still in disbelief.

-Not many people know yet but… yes! I mean, he’s not “fully” done but we can talk to him! The programming team found a way to make the connection between the codes and the vocal database faster and intuitive so… yes. He’s alive. Oh, Hajime, you have to see him! He’s so smart! I mean I knew he would be but... to be able to hold a conversation?! A machine!? We did this! 

-Sonia, this is amazing! I’m so happy! Who else knows?

-Everyone in the coding and programing team, you, me and Kaz.

-Kaz?

-I had to bring him back for this.

Nostalgia in his system. There was a time when Izuru was just an impossible dream three college students had. He used to be just a small green chip Soda had coded to be able to hold information. And now… it talked. They did that. Well, actually he hadn’t done much.

-And it’s all thanks to you. – “oh?” – If you hadn’t written all those papers on communication and emotion… he wouldn’t be working right now. Although we have only incorporated the communication part on him for now. We had two weeks after all. 

-That’s nothing. You and Soda are the real heroes.

-Hajime. – she pierced through is soul in the most caring way – We did this. I… came to ask you… if you would like to talk to him?

Talk to him? He would love to! But… he didn’t even know if he should. It was such a terrifying idea. Talking to his creation? If felt like too much. But he didn’t have to decide for himself. Sonia’s serene hand landed on his and gently pulled him outside. Already on the corridor she spoke again:

-Here are the heads ups. We can’t keep him on for too long. The program isn’t perfect yet so you’ll have ten minutes, maybe? It’s hard to say, but we’ll warn you when the time is nearing. The only people that have actually talked to him for now have been me and Soda, which didn’t work that well. Somehow your sarcasm worn off on him. 

-Is that even possible? – he laughed.

-Oh, trust me, it is! Also, he is highly intelligent. There’s a big change he’ll know who he’s talking to so don’t freak out if he calls you by your name before you introduce yourself.

-A bit dystopian, not going to lie.

-Also, he doesn’t have a social filter so don’t be offended.

-I don’t think a machine can offend me.

-He also can’t see, but again, highly intelligent, might correctly guess what you are doing without eyes. And that’s all, I think.

They stopped in front of a big door on the top floor. Now that he was there everything was getting much scarier. How was he even going to start a conversation with a robot? His legs were trembling a little and fear was getting the best of him. Maybe he shouldn’t go. He spent almost four years talking about not liking his job, he didn’t deserve to see what that had turned into. What if his own creation hated him? “Oh, for Christ sake, Hajime, you’re not God! Stop saying weird stuff like that!”. 

Another hand touched him. Sonia, with a kind smiled supported him time and time again.

-I get that you are scared, but I really think you should be one of the first people to talk to him. I understand if this is too much for you right now, but please, don’t think you are underserving of your achievements.

He took a deep breath. Sonia was right. He had to face up to himself. He had to make sure he still had some qualities. That his work was anything good. He braced himself, gave Sonia one last determined smile, and opened the door.

The room that waited him was made of white shinny tiles and decorated with thousands and thousands of wires. A scenario pulled out of one of the many Chiaki’s sci-fi games. He walked around those four claustrophobic walls until he found something that looked like an android and it wasn’t a difficult task. Sitting on a metal counter was a human shaped torso made of steel and red lines. On top of that torso was what looked like a head. Computer boards still visible through a thin layer of latex that he supposed was meant to imitate skin. But they could work on skin later. From the top of his head (his, because treating him like a “it” just sounded disrespectful to his and Sonia’s work) sprung thick black wires that almost resembled hair. Had he looked at him in that state two weeks ago, Hajime would have not believed he was nearly done, but he was. 

Behind him, a false mirror stood. Must be the room where they monitored him. He was right, just a second after he noticed it, from behind the piece of glass, Sonia’s voice was heard.

-Sorry we didn’t give you a chair. – she teased – Are you ready?

-Um… I think I am?

-You’ll know he’s on when that bigger wire in front of his face light’s up, ok?

-Yeah… ok.

Sonia’s voice disappeared. All he could do now was focus on the wire that would give him the sign to speak. That was the moment all his work had been meant for. “This is it.”

The wire glowed. Slowly, a red light filled the strand of metallic hair. He instinctively tensed his muscles. What was he supposed to say? 

-Hi? – “Hi?!” He was about to talk to a super intelligent being and he started their whole conversation with a nervous “hi”?

-Hello. – the voice took him back. It was deep and weirdly electric. Somehow, the emotionally cold machine, sounded confident. – Hajime Hinata, am I correct? – Sonia was right: that was creepy! He took too long to answer and Izuru didn’t seem like the patient kind – Don’t be alarmed. I was expecting you would be my next visitor. Miss Nevermind seemed keen on having me meet the oldest members of this organization first, and after a quick search through my information bank I figured you would be her next choice.

-That’s… impressive. 

-There’s nothing impressive about a job well done.

That was going to be some difficult ten minutes to get through, Hajime figured. He sure was just… brain. No feelings. For once he really hoped for his work to be good. 

-So… how does it feel like… being alive? 

-I am not alive and I do not feel yet. Although, I have been given your theory on emotion. I expect that soon I will be able to put into practice.

-Yeah, I guess. – had he messed up communication so badly? Sure, he didn’t even remember writing that in the first place. Those were his first papers for the project but he could have given him just a little bit more personality, surly! – Do you have any questions for me? I know you have critical thinking skills so maybe I could indulge some of your curiosities? – he asked to ease the tension between him and a robot of all things. 

-Yes, I do actually.

-Yes, go ahead! – finally, he wouldn’t feel like an idiot.

-About your papers on emotion, did you write all of them?

That question was a surprise. Did he know about Nagito? Did Sonia put him up to that? What… what could that mean?

-Ahh, no. I had an assistant for a while. He wrote some of your later papers.

-As I expected. The pattern was different in some of them. At first, I just thought they were coded by different individuals but that seemed unlikely. Afterall, coding is an exact science of sorts. This could only happen while still with the writing team. But I only found you to be in the psychology team so I was confused.

-Yeah, he didn’t intern for that long so his name isn’t on our base.

-I suspected that was the case. – the thought of telling Sonia to shut him down crossed Hajime’s mind but he opted for not doing so. Now, he was the curious one. Or at least he was until Izuru’s next statement pierced through his skin into his already fragile heart – Were you two lovers? Please don’t be offended, I just assumed.

-How can you assume something like that?! – he asked, angry. The machine was taunting him! 

-Numerous of reason. The idea first came to me while reading your papers. Usually, if the relationship you too had were of teacher and apprentices, only his work would have marks from your corrections, and yes, I can notice those. If you were simply friends then neither of your works would have been touched by the other. Friendships are delicate from what I gathered. You don’t want to point out mistakes in the other’s words. But if you were in a romantic relationship then that would put you in the same level and you could correct each other’s work. That’s what I found. I realized you weren’t together by your reaction just moments ago and the odd use of the past tense. You seamed pained by my question, showing me the subject of this man was painful to you.

-Did you ask me those questions just so you could figure out this small detail about my love life?

-Partially, yes. I do get easily bored in here.

So, not only had he made Izuru sarcastic he managed to make him incredibly rude. Well, Sonia did warn him about the lack of social filters. “Screw it”. He could entertain his creation for a little longer.

-Yes, we were… dating, before. But now we are not. End of story.

-It seems to me it wasn’t a peaceful breakup. 

-I’m not even going to ask for your deductions on how you got to that conclusion. Sure, it wasn’t peaceful. Nothing for me to do.

-I disagree. I might not understand emotion but, statistically speaking, relationships that end without the consent of both parties usually bring big amounts of internal turmoil to both of the individuals. You should seek closure.

-Thank you for the advice but I’ll listen to emotions instead of reason this one time. I’ll give it time.

-Do you have time? 

-Excuse me?

-I’m not sure about my next guess but wouldn’t this person be highly unstable right now? – Hajime didn’t answer, too focused on Izuru’s new, and probably correct, theory – The way I see it, the reason you have been speaking in past tense is not only because you are no longer together but because he also no longer works for this project. That would also justify why I couldn’t find his name in the project files. Besides, you basically confirmed this fact to me moments ago if you recall. Now, this is a very prestigious project. I don’t believe he would get to intern here without a lot of hard work. For him to quit, I guess something horrible must have happen. 

-Yeah… - Izuru was a little off on his story but his points were correct, Hajime could admit that.

-Quitting also isn’t an action the ambitious would take so this must be a person that values emotions above reason. He might have quit to help or protect someone. Has anyone close to him fallen ill or died recently?

-No… His parents are already dead and he doesn’t have many friends.

-A loner. That just makes matters worse. If the only person he would quit for was you and you chose to ignore him in return then, without the lack of moral support he will receive, I doubt he is well at the moment.

-So what is your prediction for the future? – he asked, frustrated. That… That wasn’t happening. This emotionless AI wasn’t making him doubt his decisions.

-It’s hard to say. I’d have to look into his medical record but I think the answers would range between “being a little sad” to “suicidal”. But you should be more qualified than me to figure that out.

“Suicidal”. As Hajime heard that word his heart stop. Nagito wouldn’t… could he? He… had been hospitalized, he was traumatized to the core, he was lonely and Hajime had abandoned him. Abandoned him like everyone always had. He wasn’t better than them. 

Sonia’s shaky voice came though the communicator:

-Hajime, you don’t have long…

He didn’t let her finish:

-What should I do?

-I though you didn’t want advice rooted in reason.

-Just give me a clue!

-I’d go talk to that person immediately.

The last words he pronounced before the red glow faded from his face were serious and threatening. Hajime had to do something.

Sonia was quick to find him inside the room, still frozen in place and hiding his face behind his hands, like that would give him the answers. 

-Hajime I…

-I knew you were listening. It’s fine.

-If you want to go home earlier it’s alright.

-No, I’m good. Just a little overwhelmed.

-Look, I want to apologize. I knew the conversation would be weird but he… overstepped his boundaries… for a not living being. But aren’t his deductions fantastic? Let’s focus on that…

Hajime lost her. His mind was going so fast he was sure his brain would fry. He had to go see him. He had to see Nagito. Oh, God, he had to make up for his mistake. He… he had to make sure he didn’t kill him.

-Sonia, actually I’m leaving. - She didn’t answer or stop him. Her remarks could wait.

He must have broken so many driving rules in his way back to his building but it didn’t matter. He knew his priorities. He was going up to Nagito’s apartment. He didn’t know how he would start his conversation; he didn’t know what excuse he would give him to go see him. All he knew is that a dark feeling had been growing inside his chest from the moment Nagito told him he didn’t love him and it was so big now, if he didn’t see him breath with his own two eyes, he would combust.

There it was. Nagito’s intimidating white door. “I hope I’m not too late”, he thought, unsure what was it he could be late for, or at least denying his knowledge. His hand moved to knock when he noticed: the door was slightly open.

His heart sank. In a rushed movement he opened the door, closing it with great impact. He ran inside, more terrified than he had ever been, to find Nagito, alone, turning from his living room window.

-Hajime?

His voice was faint. Scared. Hajime looked him up and down. He was wearing old clothes, his eyes were red and baggy, and his arm… his left arm was slashed in so many places. The wounds weren’t deep, he could see that, but they did confirm his greatest fear: he was one second way from losing Nagito forever.

In a second, he was on top of him, holding him in his arms with all the strength he had. Sheltering Nagito from everything that could hurt him and that meant himself too. He would never be that close to losing him again. Never.

-Hajime, wait…

-I’m so sorry…

He buried Nagito’s face closer to his chest and, for the first time since they met, Hajime allowed himself to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yo, guys! How are yoiu all doing?
> 
> Two weeks since I last saw you. But still, I promised you good stuff in exchange for you patience so... what did you think? I hope I delivered. I had been very excited to write Izuru since i began this fic and didn't want it to be dissapointing. Next chapter will be out next week and, boy oh boy, are we close to the end. 
> 
> With that being said, I hope you liked this and I can't wait to see you next saturday. Kiss kiss, everyone. Stay safe and stay happy ;)


	15. From the edge of a soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicide and self-harm (kind of heavy stuff today guys, as you might have figured from the ending of the last chapter so, you know, watch out and stay safe ;))

Nagito didn’t sleep a minute that night. His eyes wouldn’t stay closed, no matter how heavy his eyelids felt. It might have been the idea that he was dying soon stealing his rest way from him, but he had made peace with that fact. Lack of sleep really wasn’t an issue in those circumstances. The sun hadn’t yet risen when he got up. Better get done with it quickly after all, and it wasn’t like he was doing anything besides wasting time at that point. Dressed in the first clothes he found he was out the door in search of what would kill him. 

How should one kill themselves, in a way luck was unable to interfere? It was hard to tell, so he had to prepare every method he could think of. He walked around the city for the whole morning. Saw people leaving for work, saw couples holding hands, saw children catching the bus to school. Details that don’t matter much to a dead man still brought him some joy. Nothing would change when he was gone. As it should be.

None of the stores he visited asked him why he needed such material. He would have lied, of course, but it could still be perceived as some kind of sign having someone ask for his plans. Maybe that’s why he left his house in the first place: to look for a sign. “Signs”, he laughed to himself. Like the universe, destiny, God, luck, or whatever it was controlling him would stop him. Not even Hajime did. 

When he got home the fake dog was waiting for him. He didn’t remember placing it on the sofa but he wasn’t about to question it. He was busy and he was done with signs. Done with stupid useless hopeful signs.

Knotting a hangman’s knot proved itself to be more difficult than expected. Most of them wouldn’t tighten or the rope simply wouldn’t cooperate. An hour later he gave up on that idea. The rope won but he still had other options. He couldn’t buy gun. He tried but he didn’t have a license. That was a bummer. He opened his medicine cabinet. Nothing much. Less than half a bottle of aspirins and some expired pills. He might die if he took them all but it was too much of a risk. There was a chance he would just get extremely sick and have to wait until he got another chance to do it. He should have bought more things besides the rope but his mind had been a blur lately. The entire morning spent on just wondering around, looking for open supplies’ stores, only to managed to get a miserable rope. At least, he (luckily) remembered something, anything, with how drained he was. 

A shiny blade on the counter caught his attentions. Unprovoked, the force of habit took over him. As he opened small cuts over his left arms, he remembered he could always cut his wrists. It was easy, he barely felt anything anymore and it would be the long insufferable death he deserved. If it worked as a distraction it should damn well work as a means to a greater end as well! But he couldn’t choose that route. It was like handing Junko yet another win. She would love to see him die like that. A pig dried to the bone. He dropped the blade and wandered back to his living room, ready to give the rope another shot.

It was there he saw it. The bright light from the winter sun blinded him, emerging from the window. He could just… jump. It was just like running way. He was so used to running way. He was so tired of running way. One step and he was gone. It was so easy. How did he not think of that the first time? It would have saved him so much trouble and time. In his trance he walked towards the light, kicking something aside in the process. The plushie fell to the floor. He almost picked it up, but stopped himself, opting for simply staring at the toy, pitifully.

-I’m sorry I hurted you, Hajime. I really didn’t mean to. I was just trying to be happy… for once. I’ll make it up now.

He shed no tears. Exhaustion stopped him. One more step and he would be there. He’d make up for all his sins. He’d stop wasting people’s time. He’d rest. He’d stop getting hurt and he’d stop hurting others. One more step and…

…Hajime ran into his house and in a flash, he was in his arms. Had he died already? Was that heaven? No, he would never get into heaven. What was going on? No, wait, it didn’t matter, he had to go. Hajime couldn’t see him like that. He couldn’t hurt him even more. He had to die, it was decided!

-Hajime, wait…

-I’m so sorry…

And just like that, as he heard Hajime’s plead, as he heard him cry and as he felt him pulling him closer, everything he believed in, all his convections and plans for the end shattered to never be put back together.

• 

-I’m so sorry…

He truly was. Hajime had never felt such guilt. It wasn’t his fault, really, he knew that. He hadn’t broken Nagito. But he hadn’t notice. God, it took him so long to notice! He hadn’t done enough. He abandoned him. And now he was making everything about himself again.

He turned off his critical thinking. All that mattered right now was making sure Nagito was safe. He could process his emotions later. Nagito, the person he cared for the most, was a wreck of his former self, if his former self had ever been well to begin with. The bags under his eyes, the weak grip he had on his arms, the sunken checks. He looked so… lost. The millions of things Nagito could have done to himself crossed Hajime’s mind and he had to fight to make sure the stream of tears already in his face didn’t became stronger. 

-What did you do? Did you take anything!? – he asked, alarmed.

-Hajime, you can’t…

-Just, please tell me. – he begged him, pressing their forehead together. He had to be as physically close to him as possible. Had to make sure he was still there and he wasn’t talking to a ghost. He wasn’t going to lose him.

-I didn’t take anything. But, Hajime, you have to go…

-I’m not leaving! Not again. – he forced eye contact between them. Tried to show him it was true, that he wasn’t going anywhere. Somehow, Nagito wasn’t terrified to look into Hajime’s eyes – Why…?

He didn’t finish his question; he didn’t even consider the impact that question could have! But Nagito knew he didn’t mean harm, and he knew what to say. He had to get him way. So be it. If Hajime was going to hate him, he’d rather he learned the truth from him.

-I’ve done horrible things… I lied to you. I lied so many times about so many things. I almost killed my friend. I crippled her for life! I hurt myself, and hurt my friends, and my family. I tried to… I tried this before… I… 

-Shhhhh. It’s alright now. – Hajime tried to calm him down but it was worthless. In fact, it seemed he pushed him even further.

-No! No, it’s not alright! – he tried to get way from Hajime’s grasp falling to his knees in the process. Hajime followed right after him to the floor, keeping a strong hold of him - I worry you constantly! I hurt everyone I meet! Why do you still care!? I’m trying to push you away, I’m trying to keep you safe, and you won’t give up!

-Because I love you! – Nagito stopped waving his arms and tearfully looked into Hajime’s shiny eyes – I know you’re not perfect, Nagito. I know you’re not ok. And I don’t know what it is you lied to me about or what you did but… I still love you. And you’re fooling yourself if you think I’m going to let you die. – Nagito didn’t answer. He didn’t know how to. 

He felt his hand being gently held and walked to his bathroom. Hajime was sitting him down on the edge of his bathtub and pulling a small stepping stool for himself, as to sit in front of him. Before he realized it, Hajime was washing his arm. He didn’t even have that many cuts to be treated and they didn’t have to treated anyway. But Hajime still grabbed water, alcohol and cottons and got to work. 

-You don’t have to do this… - he said, regaining the ability to speak.

-I told you I’m not leaving. You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong but I…

-My parents aren’t dead. – Hajime lifted his eyes up to him. Something told him that conversation wouldn’t end there – They’re living somewhere in north Europe, I’m not even sure where. But I can’t legally contact them so it’s just the same as if they were dead. This is just one of the lies I told you. Do you still love me?

Hajime had to muster all of the strength he could find in himself to answer him.

-Nagito… what happened to you?

Hajime asked; so he just told him. Nagito didn’t know if he was telling him everything to make him leave or to find forgiveness. If that was salvation or perdition. It didn’t matter. He was confessing him everything either way. The truth. His family, his school days, his time at the hospital. He saved no details; he left no names unknown. It was impossible to determine for how long he had talked. At some point, his wounds had already been washed and bandaged and Hajime was just caressing his arm. It was recomforting to know he was still there, even if that shred of affection made him feel so guilty, because to him making Hajime care was just that: a crime, the biggest of sins. But if it was such a horrible thing, why was he still there? Why hadn’t Hajime ran way filled with disgust when he saw him? Why was he still there, gently massaging his scarred skin? 

When he was done narrating his life something cracked within his soul. His mask fell. What had he done? What had he done to Hajime? And Mukuro? And himself? Unstoppable tears ran across his face and his hands rushed to hide it. He was falling. He didn’t want to die. He just wanted to be understood. He just wanted someone to have him as he was for once. He threw himself against Hajime chest and held himself close to him as best as he could.

-I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I worried you. And Chiaki. I’m so sorry. – Hajime returned the hug, working hard on not crying as well – I’m just so tired. I just wanted everything to stop. I shouldn’t! I was so selfish. I’m so sorry. I was trying to help, I was, and I…

-Hey, hey, hey. It’s alright, Nagito, it’s alright. Don’t say that. It’s not your fault.

-You hate me, don’t you? – he managed to chuckle out.

He wasn’t happy, of course, but he wasn’t mad. It was hard not to feel wronged when so much had been kept from him but, putting Nagito’s life in perspective, it made so much sense. His small reactions to everyday situations were so clear now. His fear, his exaggerated caution, his… everything. Actually, not everything. His heart was hurt, but it was still him. He was shattered but every broken object can, in one way or another, be put back together with work. And even after hearing such story Hajime still loved him. Nagito wasn’t helpless. No one really is. And he would get through that.

-How could I ever hate you? – Nagito took a moment to breath before he reacted.

-I’m so tired, Hajime. I don’t to die. I just want out. I just want to rest. For a little.

-You can rest now. Just not forever.

Hajime couldn’t really tell how long they stayed like that, pressed against one other in the small bathroom floor. It was long enough for rage to be born in his heart and for Nagito to fall asleep. He got up, holding Nagito’s body carefully in his arms. He laid him in bed. He deserved to rest. He covered his body in the green blanket he had borrowed and went in the living room for the plushie. It was childish, yes, but knowing Nagito would have let the cotton dog watch him died told him he treasured it to some degree, and might help him sleep. He didn’t leave the room immediately after that. He sat on the edge of the bed playing with Nagito’s hair. As soon as he heard Junko’s name, he recognized it from that horrid interview. He knew Nagito would never face up to her. He didn’t have to. It wasn’t even safe to make him face up to his abuser like that, psychologically speaking. But Hajime was no longer intimidated by her. He was just furious. Furious for what she planed on doing with the project and furious for what she had done to Nagito, and so many others.

He left Nagito sleeping. Put the rope on a trash bag and locked the window. Checked the bathroom for shaving blades and dangerous pills. He had some calls to make after that, however. His phone barely rang for the first person he called.

-Hajime?

-Chiaki, I’m sorry, but… are you home?

-You sound tired, what going on? – his roommate asked, concerned.

-Just answer the question.

-Yes, I am, what do you need?

-Could you come down to Nagito’s place, please? I’ll explain when you get here.

Chiaki didn’t question it and left their apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that was a journy.
> 
> I'll admit, I was really scared to write this chapter. I had so many ideas (not all of them good) and I didn't want to dissapoint. All and all, I think its a good chapter and I hope you liked it.
> 
> Given the subject of this chapter however I feel the need to remind you all that you are not alone. You might feel like you are, and you wouldn't make a diference in the world, trust me: I get it. But there's always a reason to keep going. Never give up. Reach out. You are strong and you will get through this. And sure, I'm writing a fanfiction, it's not suppost to be realist, and in real life you might not have someone to physicaly pull you out of your dark time but hey! That doesn't mean you can't be your own savior. You are important. Treat yourself as such.
> 
> As always guys, I hope you liked this ANGST HEAVY chapter and I might see you earlier this week, who know, so see you later ;)
> 
> Happy holidays, everyone. Love you all <3<3<3


	16. Getting back at your expectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise update 😎

Against all expectations Nagito didn’t have a single nightmare while he slept. He hadn’t even realized he had fallen on Hajime’s arms again, but something told him that had been the case after he noticed he had been tucked into his bed and given his plushie. His brain was still getting used to the unknow territory that was… being accepted? Not being dead? He had no plan B. He didn’t know what to do now that he had told Hajime everything. Things would change, he was sure, but what exactly was unclear.

He gained conscious slowly. He didn’t open his eyes for the longest time after he woke up. At first, he just felt the warmth of the sheets around him. The unmistakable synthetic fur on his hands, the unnecessary bandages on his arms, the love and care that surrounded it all. 

His vision demanded use. He opened his eyes. He was fully hidden under the green blanket Hajime had borrowed him. It was a safe place, the underneath of that cloth. He moved it back and noticed there was someone else in the dark room with him.

-You’re awake. 

-Chiaki?

-Hajime called me. He had to go do something, I don’t know what, and didn’t want to leave you alone.

-That’s very thoughtful.

He could see Chiaki wasn’t pleased to be there. She was sitting on the corner, legs crossed, playing a game on an old Gameboy.

-You don’t have to stay.

-No, I will.

-I just don’t want to be a…

-Be a what Nagito? A bother? An annoyance? A nuisance on our lives? Is that how you see yourself?

-I just don’t want to waste your time.

-Thanks, but I’d rather stay here, and make sure you keep breathing.

-Oh… - so she knew. That was the real reason she was there. It made sense. It also made sense why she sounded displeased to be there. Can’t imagine she would be happy to hear the news. And since Hajime really cared, of course he would take all those precautions, such as, calling someone to watch him – How much did he tell you?

-He just told me you attempted. Nothing else. I’m supposed to keep an eye on you until he gets back. – she went back to her game but not for long. She wasn’t done with Nagito – I mean, how could you!?

-I…

-I was worried sick! I knew you could do this. I offered you my help! Why wouldn’t you take it?

He didn’t answer. It was unsettling how many times already he had lost his ability to come up with answers on the spot considering his only talents were rambling and lie apparently. 

-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to say that. I know it’s not your fault I just… I wish I knew what I could have done better.

-I don’t think there was anything to be done.

-I live for my friends, Nagito. I would have been destroyed if you died. – she laughed, as if to distract them both - What are you going to do now? 

-I don’t know. I… really thought this would be it. – he laughed quietly – I guess I got lucky.

-I’m glad then. I’m glad you got lucky. – he looked at her, with honesty and curiosity – I know we aren’t as close as we could be Nagito or as we once were. I know I wasn’t the best of friends. I abandoned you. I hurt you. I don’t know what kind of message that send you but… I need you to know that I do care. You are still my friend. And if you had died… - she took a moment to hold back her growing tears – I would have never forgiven myself. And neither would have Hajime. 

-I was trying to protect you – he said, pitiful.

-I don’t care. I don’t care if you were trying to protect us or protect yourself but… whatever it was you were trying to do… it wasn’t worth it. Nothing is worth trading your life for. Nothing is worth hurting yourself over. Nothing is worth starving yourself over. You always have someone there for you. And I know, it’s easier said than done, but you can’t give up like that. You can’t let hope die. If you’re tired, you sleep it off, but you can never give up.

Nagito looked down, meeting his bandaged arm while doing so. Chiaki hadn’t given up on him. Hajime hadn’t given up on him. Only himself did. It was unfair. They kept fighting for him and he gave up. He gave up on getting better. He gave up on being loved. He gave up on the project. But somehow luck kept him alive. After all the pain, all the tears, through all his dark times, something kept him up. It might have been hope. It might have been luck. Maybe it was time he gave back. Maybe it was time he gave back to Hajime and Chiaki for not abandoning him when it was the most important. Maybe it was time he gave back to whatever force was keeping him afloat. Maybe it was time he made himself his first priority instead of unconsciously dreaming of being a martyr. Maybe it was time he made his own happiness a full-time project. A lucky project. 

-I’ll try, Chiaki. I promise.

• 

Exhaustion was starting to wash up to Hajime. He had drove from one point of the city to the other and talked to so many people. “Research”, he told himself, ignoring the fact that research should not be done while blinded by anger and under only an afternoon. He wanted to go home, whatever that meant now. 

He took the slow elevator up. Nagito was fine. Chiaki was with him and she wouldn’t let anything happen to him. But that was a temporary peace. He couldn’t just watch a grown man 24/7. His degree told him that the best option was hospitalization but he didn’t want to go against Nagito’s wishes. He couldn’t associate that place with recovery and he wasn’t going to start doing it now. So, what could his next step be? Force him to go to a therapist? If he didn’t want to, statistically, it would be a useless effort and it could even pressure him even more. Start booking funeral homes? Give up? Keep fighting? 

No matter how much he thought about it, he knew, that even if he got Junko out of the picture, Nagito was still his own person, and that the years of trauma and abuse wouldn’t dissipate like that. He didn’t even want to think about what would happen to them. Could Nagito still trust him? Could he still trust Nagito? Was their relationship going to be based on a sick sense of gratitude and messed up savior complexes? Could that love be saved? Were they doomed?

The doors opened, which was a relief for Hajime, who was starting to feel claustrophobic inside the four metal walls. He walked up to the white door and sighted. Whatever bothersome questions he had would be faced now. He reached his hand to knock and stopped. He didn’t want to disturb them. He squatted down. “His” kye was still under the rug. Nagito hadn’t even noticed.

He quietly opened the door.

-Hajime?

-It’s me, Chiaki. Don’t worry. 

He walked further into the apartment, knowing she was in the kitchen from where her voice had emerged.

-So how is… he… 

Nagito was sitting across from Chiaki, a warm cup of tea around his hands. He seemed paler than usual and the knitted white sweater he was wearing wasn’t helping his frail figure. He looked very briefly at Hajime before focusing his attention on the drink again.

-I’m still alive, if that’s your concern.

-One of them, yes. – he answered, making sure his voice transmitted no mockery. 

-I’ll leave you to it then. 

Chiaki stood up and left, surely tired herself as well. Nagito gestured Hajime to sit where her place had been moments ago so he complied. It was odd not knowing where to start that conversation. Usually they’d never be quiet, he realized now. Be it with one of Nagito’s rants or just useless fighting about deserving to be appreciated, there was never silence when they were together. Nagito pushed aside his mug and crossed his fingers. Hajime spoke:

-How are you?

-I don’t see myself passing away in the nearby future so, good… I guess.

-Are you in pain?

-Do you mean physically or emotionally? – Nagito joked, trying to divert Hajime’s attention.

-Whichever you want to talk about.

A sigh. Nagito straightened himself back on his chair. Matter of fact was: he was trying, but he didn’t know where to start and who to trust with such process. Sure, he loved Hajime, but he had also gotten himself in such a harming position under the pretext of “protecting” him. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to rely on him so much.

-To be perfectly honest, I don’t know. I want to say I wish to get better but I don’t know if I can. Even now I don’t know why I went back to… her. I mean, was it just protecting a job for someone else or was it just going back to what I knew? I’m confused. It pains me because I don’t know what will happen next. – he noticed Hajime was carefully taking in everything he was saying. He was genuinely trying to understand – I spent so much time thinking that I would kill myself and would die alone that imagining something different terrifies me. 

-You don’t have to imagine anything, Nagito. – Hajime went for Nagito’s hands, taking them from the table and placing them gently on his own, instinctively. Drawing circles on his skin, trying to send a message of comfort, maybe, or just making sure he was still there and he wasn’t talking to a ghost – I know it’s scary to not know where you’re going but, there’s no problem with making up your life as you go. You have friends and colleagues who can help you through that. You have me.

Nagito closed his eyes. Hajime was right but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Another horrifying thing he had to consider. His relationships with people, and most importantly, with Hajime. He decided to just focus on the contact of their skin for a while. Hajime somehow understood that wish and didn’t speak for a moment.

-I didn’t want to bring this up, but there’s something we should discuss. Decisions have to be made and I’d hate to make you do them alone. From a… professional standpoint you should be hospitalized… - Nagito jumped back, his eyes terrified. Hajime tensed his grip on his hands - …but I don’t want to ask that of you.

-Please, I know I should go but… I don’t want to.

-I know, I know, it’s okay. But if you’re not comfortable with that you need to find help some other way. – Nagito looked down and tightened the hold he had on Hajime’s hands – I talked to a friend today. He’s the CEO of the city’s hospital and he told me a new psychiatrist just moved to their phycology department. He says they’re friends and that he trusts him fully. Seems professional and I don’t want to pressure you, but I think it could be beneficial…

-I’ll go. – Nagito interrupted Hajime’s nervous speech – You’re right, I need help. I’m scared, not sure of what, but I'm scared. And still… I know I have to try to get better. I don’t know how I'm going to do that while Junko is trying to ruin everything! – he laughed as to stop the tears already forming in the corners of his eyes.

-You don’t have to worry about that. – Nagito was about to protest but Hajime stop him – This isn’t just your struggle anymore. She has also threated me. I’ll handle her.

-You don’t know her…

A hand rose to Nagito’s face, gently caressing his skin in order to calm him down and wipe his tears. He met Hajime’s eyes, caring and reassuring.

-I promise I’ll be careful. You don’t have to worry about anything.

They stayed as they were for some time. Minutes might have passed but they couldn’t tell, too lost in each other’s silent company. It was nice. Even if they were born from tragedy, those moments of peace seemed to be able to bring them together. After that uncertain amount of time Hajime spoke again. There was still so much going on in his head that had to be attended.

-I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you but… do you think I could sleep on you couch tonight? 

-I don’t understand. – Nagito said, confused.

-I just want to make sure I’m here if you relapse.

-Oh, I see. You don’t like me anymore.

-Wait, what!?

-You pity me, and don’t want me to die but you don’t like me anymore. Afterall, you’ve slept over before and it wasn’t on the couch. It’s fine, I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone as tiring as me. – he sounded disappointed and Hajime couldn’t help a dramatic exhale leaving his lips as a response to their miss communication.

-Nagito, that’s not it at all. I… I don’t want to pressure you. I thought you might feel some sense of ownership after this afternoon and I didn’t want you to think that you did.

-But I do own you.

-No, you don’t. I didn’t stop you so you would feel like you had to pay back I stopped you because I love you. And I didn’t want our future to be based on something as twisted as that. 

-So you see a future. – he exclaimed, failing horribly at hiding his surprise and excitement – Hajime, I own you. You can’t take that away from me. I know I'm a wreck right now, but the only time I felt like I was actually recovering was when I was with you. That doesn’t mean I’ll base my love on that alone. I understand if you don’t trust me in this state. I’ll get you something for the couch.

-No. – he stopped him from standing up – I trust you. And I’m proud of you.

Nagito retributed him with a genuine smile, the first one in a long time. They ended up falling asleep together, even though no miracles took place. Hajime was still too nervous and Nagito was still recovering from the shock that day had been for any of them to sleep calmly. Still, it was much more reassuring to relax in the other’s arms. 

Overall, they shared a restless sleep, but neither would trade that night for a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO AGAIN EVERYONE!!!
> 
> Thought you wouldn't see me, huh? Well, I was felling the holiday spirit and decided to give you a new chapter earlier as a gift. I truly I'm gratfull for all of you that follow my work. You guys can't even imagine what you mean to me. If you've noticed, i updated the tags in this fic and, official, it has 18 chapters. Two more and our journy ends. I'll give you all my feels in the last notes but until then I'll leave yu with a wish for happy holidays.
> 
> Stay safe guys. Keep fighting. See you saturday :)


	17. No negotiations with the Devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little heads up, I drop the f-bomb in this chapter. Hope it doesn't bother you :)

-I must admit, doctor Hinata, I never expected you to call me. 

Junko Enoshima was undoubtably mocking him. An arm crossed under her chest supported her hand next to her face. She was checking her long acrylic nails and stomping her heels on the floor. A pure image of prevarication. Holding a power stance, she smiled down upon him, inciting fear. But Hajime wasn’t threatened. He hated the woman far too much to feel anything but loath in her presence. But he had to remain calm. Punching her in front of everyone at the café wasn’t going to fix anything.

-Trust me, if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t have called you in the first place.

But he had called her that same morning. Didn’t expect her to want to meet as soon as that same afternoon, but the sooner the better to confront her he figured. They were sitting on the same café Hajime met every Saturday with his friends, the same café he had met Nagito in for the first time. It was a place of comfort, filled with good memories... and it was the perfect place to gather energies to defeat that demon.

-Well, tell me. What owns me the pleasure of talking to the great…

-I know what you did. – he didn’t let her finish. Whatever sarcastic remark she had to say could be thrown way like garbage, so why bother giving her the attention she so much craved. He had a mission and he wasn’t going to be distracted that easily – Nagito told me everything.

-So he didn’t kill himself. Coward. I mean, I almost guessed it when the news didn’t repot anything, but I just thought no one had found his rotting corpse yet.

His blood boiled but by some miracle he was able to hold himself back. He knew what Junko was trying to do and he wouldn’t let her have her way. He had to stay focused. Still, he was momentarily thrown off guard by the image of a dead Nagito forming in his mind.

-I’m not here to waste any time. – he said, killing that grim scenario from his imagination – Let’s cut to the chase. I want you gone. Out of our lives. Leave the city, leave the country, die, honestly, how you do it is no problem of mine, but I want you gone.

-HA! And why would I do that?

The moment he had been waiting for.

-Did you know I’m really close with your boss? – she twitched her eyebrow, still confident he had nothing on her – Yeah, she sent me a love letter before she came out of the closet. It was kind of funny, we talked about it for weeks at the project. Long before you worked for her, you know?

-You sound like an old man, reminiscing about the war. – he ignored her snarky remark.

-The point is, we’re still very much friends thanks to that awkward situation. So it wasn’t hard to get your curriculum.

-I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. – she joked.

-I’m not the one who’ll have to be worried about what’s legal or not. – her curiosity peaked, he could see it in her eyes. Suddenly shinier and more sinister – I noticed you have a sister.

-Couldn’t consume her in the womb, unfortunately. 

-Mahiru also told me she suffers from some health conditions.

-Asthma.

-Won’t be able to fool me so easily. Do you know who’s the CEO of the city’s hospital? 

-Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu, if I’m not mistaken.

-You are not. – he smiled, delighted in her confusion – But did you also know we’re friends? Please, don’t look so surprised, you might form wrinkles. We did high school together. Real nice guy. And guess what, he has access to every patient file that is registered in his hospital.

-Is this the part where you dramatically reveal that’s the hospital my sister goes to.

-You’re getting the hang of this. When I found her name on your curriculum it wasn’t difficult to find her record. A mute.

-Because of what your boyfriend did.

-Because of what you did. – his voice was no longer playful. They were talking about ruined lives. He wasn’t going to approach it with jokes like Junko might – You crippled your sister. 

-I wasn’t the one holding the knife.

-No, but you did order the butchering. But that’s not what I’m referring to. – Junko leaned on the table, as a vulture would lean on its prey. He was getting to her. She was taking him seriously – I talked to my friend. He says that if Mukuro had been assisted more quickly the damage could have been avoided. But still, I won’t comment on that, if you stick to your story, then I’ll just assume it was a highly stressful situation and that you couldn’t act more quickly. However, I was also informed that she might have been able to regain some use of her voice if you had chosen to let her go under some extra treatment and surgery.

-So? – she asked, annoyed.

-The problem is that you signed all those papers refusing said treatment. Mukuro isn’t a minor anymore. You’re not supposed to make those decisions for her. And even if you were her legal tutor you have insurance. It would all be free. Under these circumstances one could accuse you of neglective behavior.

-Says who? – she cruelly laughed out.

-Oh, right, I haven’t mentioned her yet. Peko Pokoyama. She’s married to Fuyuhiko, the doctor, remember? And, that’s right, she’s the most requested lawyer in the city. Owns Peko’s? Haven’t heard of them?

-Yes, I have! – she yelled him, a little too loud to go unnoticed in the quiet café – Big layer firm in town.

-You know your stuff. I talked to her yesterday and she said that, considering you lied to a doctor about Mukuro’s real tutor, signed papers illegally, and refused to treat someone, resulting on them becoming a cripple forever, you’re looking at 20 to 25 years in jail. That is, if Nagito and your sister don’t come forward about what happened that day, because I'm guessing that with such a great lawyer on my side you might spend your last days rotting on a cell.

-You think I haven’t trained my dogs not to bite me?

-Nagito isn’t your dog. And he’s not afraid of you anymore. Now say what you want about his credibility in court but don’t deny the facts… even if you win this hypothetical case your reputation is still tarnished. I don’t think you’ll work in journalism ever again. You’ll lose your stupid hobby.

She analyzed him up and down. Disgusted, clearly. Her plans weren’t infallible and Hajime had just presented himself as a worthy opponent. He was too small. Too unimportant. She would have never guessed he could find that much dirt on her. But he had, and now she had to deal with it. 

-How does someone as insignificant as you have so many powerful friends, Hajime Hinata? – she asked him, with the same foolish smile on her face again. It wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t fall in her trap to angry him.

-I’m not a monster, Enoshima. It makes things easier.

-Fine. So what are my options? Sum it up for me! – she ordered, leaning back on her chair, childlike.

-Either you stay in this city, keep torturing Nagito and publish your stupid article, and I’ll put you in jail or destroy your life… or you leave. You never come back to this city, you never mess with the Kamukura Project again, and you stay the fuck way from me and Nagito, or I’ll kill you myself. 

For an instant, Junko just stared at him. A twisted game to see which one would break first. But something started to grow inside her chest, something desperate and ready to fight. Slowly a grotesque laugh was born. Small, poisonous giggles turned into horrifying shouts! Some costumers turned to look at them but Hajime stayed still. He wouldn’t be affected by such repulsive show, no matter how scared it made him. 

She went quiet, but her sharp smile remained. She got as close as she could from him without standing up and in a whisper said:

-I’ve been waiting for this. – a chill runed through his spine but he succeeded in fighting the urge to shove her way. That wasn’t the reaction he was expecting but he wouldn’t let it bring him down. She pushed herself back however, violently. Mad eyes in a mad woman – All my work, all I do, is in search of despair. Be it making my sister miserable, making Nagito suffer or ruining careers, all of it is to make the world a worse place. Don’t you think there’s too much hope? It’s outright boring. If your goal is to cure cancer and you do it, that’s it! One outcome of pure happiness. But with failure? The scene becomes so much more interesting. Did you create a new deadly disease? Did you kill your volunteers with faulty vaccines? Did you fail so badly you lose your job? The possibilities are endless and beautiful! Despair is the only thing between us and boredom, really. It’s our savior and I’m it’s messiah. And now that you’ve threatened my plans so perfectly… I have to say… feeling this despair is even better than spreading it.

She hugged herself, flushed and excited in the idea that she was… despairing. Hajime, on the other hand, had never been so disgusted in his whole life. All he wanted was confirmation Junko was leaving them for good to finally put that whole traumatizing affair behind him. But he hadn’t been given one yet. He would prevail to the end.

-Alright. You will know my decision tomorrow. Have a nice day, Hinata. – she stood up to leave but before she walked out the door, she rested her hand on Hajime’s shoulder and whispered – Give Komaeda a big kiss for me. Tell him I said hi.

He didn’t leave right way. His legs felt weak. He knew the moment he stood up the floor would be his next stop. He breathed. Focused on his pulse and calmed himself. The worst part was over. He just had to wait. It would be fine. It was going to work. They won.

• 

After he paid for both his and Junko’s orders he didn’t go immediately home. There was no need to. He knew Nagito was safe and soon would be even safer. He was with Chiaki and Hajime had other matters to attend.

Back in the Kamukura building, back in the wired room on the top floor. Back again, facing his creation. Not that he didn’t trust his plan, of course he did, but if he had access to a genius might as well make full use of him. He had Sonia turn him on just for that and leave. She didn’t have to be involved. For her sake, it was better she wasn’t. 

-So what do you think? – he asked Izuru after detailing his last few days.

-Well thought out plan, Hajime. I congratulate you. I would still have done some changes but you didn’t consult me beforehand so no need to elaborate them. 

-Thanks, but that’s not what I meant. – it was frustrating talking to a faceless robot. Having no expression whatsoever really changed what he could perceived. Because if Izuru could guess his mood without eyes, he surely couldn’t do the same, and keeping a conversation with him like that was exhausting. As if he wasn’t tired already – I want your opinion. What do you think Junko will do next?

A moment of silence. If it weren’t for the still red glowing cable, Hajime would have assumed he turned off. 

-I don’t know this woman. And even after all you have told me, I still can’t pinpoint down her personality. – Hajime understood. He too was still in awe of that devil of a person. Everything about her was unclear, and that included her motives, because even after she admitted she only sought despair, something told him there was still so much hidden form him – She is clearly unpredictable and a danger for both you and Nagito, but apparently also me. It highly benefits me for her to disappear. However, if I had to analyze this situation from an unbiased standpoint, and with the limited information and power that I hold I would say… - Hajime, unconsciously leaned forward, griping his hands into a fist. Sweat formed at his temples as he waited for Izuru’s conclusion - …yes. I think she’ll take your offer.

-Really?! – he asked, a little too excited.

-Yes. She has never lost before; this is new territory for her. I think her destructive nature will turn against her and she will accept this defeat in hopes of achieving even greater despair in her new start. It’s funny actually. How all she can do now is hope for despair. She has set herself to failure. Or better, you have.

-You seem very confident. You sure she’ll leave us alone? – he asked, still worried his plan would fail.

-Trust your skills a bit more for me, Hajime, I have never been wrong and never will if you keep up your hard work. And your plan was well designed to top it off. She will leave your lives. In fact, if I had to guess, and I barely have bases for this next assumption, I’d say she has two years at best until she completely falls to despair and either regrets all her choices up until now and becomes a normal functioning member of society or dies. 

-That’s… rather dramatic.

Dramatic, yes, but exactly what Hajime wished for. He didn’t care if he indirectly killed her. Actually, it made him incredibly happy to know he could be the cause of her death. She tried to take the most precious person in his life way from him. She tried to ruin him and she almost did! He didn’t care if she would starve under some random bridge, he welcomed the idea. But there was still a loose end bothering him.

-What do you think will happen to the Mukuro?

-You seem concerned for her.

-It’s not her fault her sister is a psychopath. And besides… Nagito likes her. – he whispered out, like it was such a big secret. He wanted to protect Nagito’s friend too, of course.

-Unfortunately, I believe she will follow Junko anywhere. They’ll share their fate as they shared the womb. It is too late for her.

-I disagree. – he said, not missing a beat – I don’t think it’s too late for anyone. There’s always another path. A brighter future. 

-Is that how you see Nagito’s recovery? As searching for another path? A “brighter future”? 

Hajime didn’t answer right way. He thought about what Nagito would want. What his opinion on the subject was and finally answered:

-Yes. I think so. I think everyone deserves their chance to go look for that brighter future.

-Very inspiring, Hajime. – he couldn’t figure out if that was irony or not – Well, I would enjoy meeting this Nagito Komaeda you risk so much for.

-There’s still a lot before that. Some therapy, some well-deserved rest but… yes. I do want him to return. And I do want him to meet you.

-Well, I’ll be waiting. But, for now, I must say goodbye. I feel my power running low. 

-Yes, of course. And, before you go… Thank you, Izuru. 

He obtained no response but didn’t regret his gratitude. He would sleep better that night knowing there would be peace for Nagito. Not immediate peace, but they had time. He wasn’t going anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!
> 
> Would you look at that, one chapter 'till the end. We've come a long way. How did you like this one, tho?
> 
> I'm really excited to bring you the last chapter in a couple of days. I'll make sure to post it before the new year so watch out for that.
> 
> As always guys, stay safe and stay happy. Love you all :)


	18. The Lucky Project

The rain bickering against the car’s window weirdly harmonized with the song playing on the radio. A catchy trending tune, nothing that really made Hajime’s taste but it filled the void inside the car so he allowed it to play on. He was mindlessly scrolling through his phone, waiting for Nagito to leave his therapy appointment. A year had passed since his attempt. A lot had changed.

In the end, Junko Enoshima vanished from their lives. Mahiru was the one who broke him the news. She quit and intended on moving counties apparently. What happened to her after that would remain a mystery for Hajime. To prove Izuru wrong Mukuro had stayed behind, but not for long. She met with Nagito sometime after Hajime’s encounter with her sister. Although it was good to interact outside of “activities” that involved, or were planned by, Junko, they both agreed too much had happen for them to stay “normal” friends. No resentments, but she did move on. Rented an apartment two cities over and found a job. A fresh start. Closure for the two of them.

Nagito also changed his psychologist sometime after. Fuyuhiko’s friend, although extremely professional, considered himself to be underqualified to treat Nagito’s needs. He advised him to go see a colleague of his, who worked on a local clinic, and, to honor his word, Nagito was making progress with her. Doctor Usami was the patient kind. Nagito seemed to like her so opening up hadn’t ever been a big problem. Not only that, she recommended him a great deal of exercises that were already helping him getting comfortable with touching others without spiraling into a panic attack. 

This last achievement also greatly owned to Chiaki’s prevalence. She had played a big role in helping Nagito and by now he could already hug her with no problems. She would sometimes confess to Hajime that she still felt guilty about not having done more for Nagito in the past and that was why she was working so hard now. Wrong reasons, but it was still good to know she was helping. Afterall, Chiaki was just as sacrificial as his boyfriend, she just wasn’t so obvious about it. She would die for her friends if needed. Hajime both admired and feared that characteristic in them. 

Going into minor details, Hajime and Nagito had also moved in together, leaving Chiaki in searches for a roommate once more. Even though everything was going mostly perfect in their shared life, they also found some brand-new conflicts to solve. Hajime didn’t let Nagito skip any meals and Nagito didn’t let Hajime work himself to hard. All in all, they were constantly at each other’s throats with daggers of love and fear for their health. They made each other better. 

From a distance, Nagito’s figure was seen running towards the car. Hajime was putting away his phone when Nagito closed the door.

-I’m soaked. – he complained.

-Funny, because I remember telling you to take an umbrella, in case it was raining when you left. – Hajime teased – How did it go?

-Good. Lucky project stays strong! – he cheered, while busy with taming his wet hair in the rear mirror.

The lucky project not even Hajime knew what it was or where it originated. Nagito had never told him about his complicated relationship with luck and it wasn’t that relevant to bring up now. All he knew was that Dr. ª Usami suggest Nagito named his recovery as to make his goal appear more approachable and Nagito picked that name. In Hajime’s opinion, it wasn’t a bad name at all.

-We talked about college today. She says I’m taking really good steps in differentiating when I feel overwhelmed from work or from the environment I’m in. – he said, smile threatening to form in the corners of his mouth.

Yes, because that was another thing that had happen. After Hajime pulled the last strings he had to pull, in this case, Soda, Nagito managed to enroll back in his degree from where he had dropped off. It was just another sign Nagito was getting better.

-Do you think we can use the whole “overwhelmed in the environment” excuse to ask Sonia for a raise? We can tell her it’s a really stressful company.

-Don’t even joke about that, Hajime! – he said, lightly hitting Hajime on the arm – Sonia is the kindest of leaders and we will not take advantage of that kindness!

Hajime’s assistant had also returned. Much later, however. Nagito had already been in therapy for a couple of months before Sonia even considered allowing him to part-time. Good thing her offer was still up. Less than a year more and Nagito had a job guarantied in the second most important project in his life: the Kamukura project. 

Just in that year, the project had grown as much as it had in the last three. Making Izuru talk really was a tipping point for them. And in the meantime, he had gain so many new functions. One of them had been processing emotions, although for personal preference, he still choose to be cold and emotive most of the time. He also had legs now, that could barely walk, and could stay on for more than ten minutes. “Excellent developments!”, if you asked Sonia.

Nagito had talked to him already. The contents of the conversation were to stay hidden for Hajime. He had personally asked him to not listen to their talk and Sonia, who had to stay in the control room, was explicitly told not to tell him anything. Hajime respected that wish, even if it ate him alive not to know what his boyfriend and an Android could possibly talk about that could be so secretive. 

-The only reason for me to obey that is me still being afraid of Gundam, you hear? None of this “honor” thing or “taking advantage”. – he laughed as he turned the car kyes in the ignition.

Gundam. The words Sonia’s partner had used so long ago when talking to him about Nagito would from time to time haunt him. Would he still see the “dark energy” that creeped behind his mind? Would he still sense “a great deal of guilt” surround him? He hoped not.

-He’s not so bad. I really enjoyed his lecture on antient deities.

-Please, don’t remind me of that dinner again. – Hajime begged, simply to make Nagito laugh – And speaking of dinner; Chiaki invited us over tonight. I thought we could eat at her place and then go for a date of our own?

-Yeah… I would like that. Good idea, Hajime. – Nagito leaned from his seat to kiss Hajime on the cheek, who had to focus even harder on the road because of it. 

Dinner at Chiaki’s went well. No roommate yet for her, which meant they had the house just for themselves. Hajime and Nagito left shortly after the clock turned to midnight. Until then, the night was celebrated with homemade meals, board games and cheap reality TV that Nagito was suspiciously into.

-I’m telling you, she’s cheating on him. I just know it.

-You got that from one episode? – questioned Chiaki, already half consumed by exhaustion.

-Oh no, I’ve been keeping up with this show. Really interesting… - he caught Hajime’s eye-role and quickly added to his answer - …from a phycology point of view. Really interesting people to study.

-Sure they are. – she said, almost falling from the sofa with how tired she was.

That was their cue to leave. It was so much easier to just go one floor down and rest but they had promised that would be a date night. The environment outside was, as tradition would have it, freezing and calm. 

-Why can’t we pick warm days for dates like these? – complained Hajime, hiding his nose behind his scarf.

-I like our dates just like this. They give me an excuse to get close to you. – he teased.

-I won’t let you get close when you inevitably get a cold.

-Hajime is so mean! – he laughed, entangling their arms even more. 

The night caried on, with nothing else to do but walk around, rejoicing in each other’s company. They passed by the closed library, home to their first “almost” official date; the coffee shop, where they first met, and where Hajime had defeated the evil witch, although Nagito didn’t know that small detail; the cursed supplies shop where an old rope had been purchased; the actual cursed occult shop where Sonia had her life turned upside down by an handsome man; the restaurant where Hajime and Nagito’s small victory was gloomily celebrated; the disco-bar Junko took Nagito on the same night, the park, the road, the bus stops…!

Everything. Everything… was good. But everything could have been different. Hajime and Nagito might have never met if it hadn’t been for Soda’s stubbornness. Junko might have never found Nagito again if it hadn’t been for Sonia inviting him onto the project. Mukuro Ikusaba might have never gotten her fresh start. Izuru Kamukura might have never come to be because of some stupid article. Hajime might have quit his job. Nagito might have died. But the beauty of it all was that all those horrible scenarios, all that tragedy, all that despair… never happened. All thanks to chance. To the so feared luck. And blessed be the luck that brought them together. 

Their home, yes theirs, was warm and welcoming when they stumbled inside. In a matter of seconds Hajime had collapsed on the sofa.

-Do you want me to brew some tea?

-The both of us know we’re not going to drink it. – he said, waving Nagito to lay with him.

After rolling his eyes Nagito obeyed, ungracefully and uncomfortably making space for himself on the sofa. Hajime, who’s eyes were almost fully closed, just laughed at Nagito’s poor attempts at finding a position where he wouldn’t fall over, just so that at the end he settled for using his boyfriend’s body as the couch itself. 

-We’re going to wake up sore if we sleep like this. – he complained.

-Alright, then leave. – Hajime’s arm moved to hug him as he spoke.

-No. 

It wasn’t raining like it had been that night. It wasn’t as cold as it had been that night. The both of them weren’t as lost as they had been that night. It wasn’t that night. It wasn’t the night of their first kiss or the night where their lives had been fated to change forever. No matter how ugly that night might have been back then, it was thanks to it that they got to where they were.

Hajime was hit by a wave of nostalgia. They would never go back to what they were, thankfully. They had grown, and changed and affected one another in so many wrong ways. And yet they made each other so happy in the end. He looked down on Nagito, who was one step away from falling asleep on his chest. That night was gone, and they were so much better now.

-I love you. 

-I love you, too. – Nagito rose his head to look at him.

And Hajime kissed him and everything was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone.
> 
> So... I guess this is goodbye for now. With all my heart I hope you liked my fic and I sincerely hope it helped you in some way. I also hope to see you again. Every kudo, every comment, every bookmark you guys ever gave me were the greatest of gifts and made my day. I'm really proud of what I wrote and what I learned through out this months. I'm expecially proud of the chapter titles I came up with for some reason. A lot happened while I wrote "Lucky Project" and posting it made me very happy. I can just hope it made you just as happy.
> 
> In case we never see each other again, one last time, I want to thank you for your support, and wish you all the best. Stay safe and stay strong <3<3<3 :)


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